Loneliness

I don't want to write about this and I certainly don't want anyone to read it, but I need to say it and I suppose if I am to remain non-hypocritical then I have to put it out there. I thought for awhile that I was depressed; truly, pathologically, needing medication type of depressed. I would sit in the dark hallway and cry or I would curl up in the fetal position after the kids were at school, holding my pillow and I would just... stare off into space. Sometimes I'd have to set the alarm clock to remember to pick the kids up from wherever they were. Most of the time though, I didn't think about much, I just felt it. Like waves of sadness and isolation and even in the midst of the absolute chaos that is our home life, then and now, sometimes I would feel like no one was listening to what I was trying to tell them. It was, in a word, frightening. I got to a point where I called my doctor and I figured that he would prescribe something although at that point, I wondered how that would even help.

To this day, I still don't know that I was depressed; to this day, I better understand what I felt and why I felt it, but I still don't have a name for it. I likened it to loneliness, but that might be too big of a generalization. I felt more empty than anything, like there was no one or nothing that could fill that void. And, what I discovered, through many regular visits with the most amazing therapist is that that WAS the answer; only I could fill that void. I was the answer that I was looking for...

I'm a simple person with a complex way of looking at things; sometimes, to my own detriment, I analyze things too much, but for the most part, I enjoy the consideration of issues and ideas and people and anything that makes me feel as if I am a part of something bigger than just my own existence. I like to laugh and to make fun of myself and I love to laugh with other people, even if it is at my expense. I love to spend time with my friends and to be a part of that "group" of girls. I especially love to spend time with my children away from homework and chores and "obligations." So when I couldn't figure out the simplest way to approach a subject that I know better than anyone; myself and what makes me tick, I was more than frustrated, I was downright lost. My therapist began to help me to understand the why's and not so much the how's and ultimately, she gave me something that I've never had before; the ability to tell myself that it is okay to feel badly. And now, when I do feel that way and I do, I let myself feel it and then I try to let it go. Not always a success mind you, but much better than sitting alone in the dark, crying myself to sleep. Now, I can accept that there are times when I am lonely and my needs aren't being met and I have too many damn demands on me and in those moments, I can choose to accept what is happening or I can shift my perception just slightly, just enough to play with the idea that it isn't an all or nothing thing; it's gray area and gray area can be molded into a new shape or form...

I am making very little sense here, well, possibly I am, but I know that part of this fundamental change has been my letting go of the cynicism and pessimism that has pervaded most of my adult life. I've always been a doubter, the one who you went to only when you wanted your deepest fears validated... gotcha! But really, I am cynical and I still consider things and people carefully before I get involved with them; I am wary of new people who I let into my life. But the biggest difference now is that I am open to more people and experiences and I am willing to put myself out there in the hopes of getting something back. I know now, having seen it firsthand that I receive more joy and kindness and hope from people who pass through my life, however briefly than I ever give them in return. And I look forward to those experiences, I anticipate them, relish them and they help me to have reasons to move forward and to look forward and to hope... and maybe that's enough, maybe that is reason enough to want to move forward...