I'm sick and tired of being caught up in a daily collage of issues that I often have nothing to do with. I'm tired of people with bullshit agendas and assholes that try to "explain" why their point of view is the right one. I'm tired of people thinking that I'm nicer than I actually am because deep down, I think I have the heart of a UFC wrestler. I know, you thought I was going to say serial killer or sniper, but, I'm not that demented, not yet anyway.
I used to love the holidays, especially when I was little; visiting family, grandparents, eating, laughing, playing with my cousins. Idyllic and treasured memories of a time that sits isolated in my mind now as I do not see many of these people anymore. Inevitable, the baggage that comes along with family; no, you don't choose them, they just are, but that doesn't make them right. There is a certain amount of responsibility and even guilt involved with being a member of a family; the family that you grew up with, that is. Now, I have my "own" family and it makes that other family seem more important in many ways and much less important in others.
I don't want to hold grudges; I don't want to hate people. I can hate what they've done or how they think or even, how they live, but I don't want to hate them. There was a time when I did, when I was filled with that black blood called bitterness. It still seeps into my system at times, but when it does, I try to remind myself that if I want something positive, I have to put those same feelings and ideas out there so that they can come back to me. Maybe through God, maybe through Karma, maybe because it's my turn to be happy for the moment. Whatever it is, I'm learning to accept people and situations more freely than ever before. I think that's another one of the lovely graces of growing older, acceptance. Sure, people irritate the hell out of me and I'm still cynical and I have no tolerance for the slew of intolerances: genocide, homophobia, racism, sexism, there are too many to list, but now, I try to temper my irritation and my cynicism by reminding myself, in the simplest terms, that I could die tomorrow or someone I love could... and then it pulls my head back out of my ass and I once again have some perspective.
If you happen to be one of those people who walks around, acting like you are better than everyone else, spouting your incoherent opinions on loyalty, truth or any other philosophical notion about which you have no fucking clue, be prepared to have your teeth bashed in... got you again. Well, a bloody nose anyway. Listen, stop telling me why I should think, do, believe, act and instead, approach me with, This is why I am here and this is why I think that... you'll get much better reception that way, at least on this end.
And another thing, if you happen to pull in front of a driveway opening of a parking lot or a business and you are waiting for the light to change, DO NOT, under any circumstance, intentionally pull up so that the person in the lot cannot come into line. Seriously, did you miss that fucking lesson in Kindergarten? Or were you the jerk kid that shoved everyone else around so that you could be at the front of the line? Is one car, while you are waiting ANYWAY really going to make a damn difference? If you answered yes, then fuck you and don't go out in public anymore. If in the requiem of "abilities" on the road too, note that it is dangerous to drive UNDER the speed limit and this is why many people are often mocked for their lack of driving skills. If I get stuck behind someone driving 15 mph in a 30 zone, regardless of whether or not it's an elder, I'm going to flip them off or, at the very least, I'm going to honk like a crazy person until they speed up. Yeah, yeah, I might be more zenlike these days, but I still get pissed off... clearly.
Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I suppose I should take a moment to list the things that I am thankful for, but, you'll be surprised because I'm going to leave out the obvious this year (of course my children and my family, health, the usual suspects), but instead, I'd like to list the things that I, as a woman, an individual, a teacher, a human being am thankful for. If you'd like to add a few, just make sure that they don't include people who drive under the speed limit...
Thank you for: marshmallows, concerts, books, hand sanitizer, oreos, pedicures, fluffy, down pillows, renewed friendships, sons, UNICEF, APLA, my English 84 class, cold, windy days, flannel sheets, bananas, vodka martinis, commercials that make me laugh, The New York Times, cappucinos, my brother Steve, soccer, laughter, my body, wit, flowers, corpse pose, roller coasters, cheeseburgers, dragons, laptops, reading ability, colleagues, long walks, subways, new friends, airplanes, boots, scrapbooks, running, singing, dancing, songs from the 80's and the 70's, black stockings, smiley faced icons, coming home, the military, supporters, bridges, landscapes, architecture, brilliance, subtlety, microwave popcorn, cheetos, turkey cookies, pain after working out really hard, daffodills, firemen, dolphins, swim lessons, eyeliner, lip gloss, Victoria's secret, stilettos, oversized sweatshirts, sandboxes, farmer's markets, recognition, margaritas with four shots of tequila, best friends who remind you why you used to love to dance, the ability to forget, easily and sleep... Happy Thanksgiving.
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