Yeah it's that time of year again; the time when we reflect on all that we are thankful for... but strangely, I am not feeling all that sentimental; thankful yes, but sentimental, no. In fact, I just chewed out my 14 year old for spouting off sarcastic comments to me and being disrespectful in front of a roomful of people. I truly believe that the holidays or, um, family, bring out the best and the worst in people. You realize that you're thankful that you have a family and that they love you and are there for you, but then you also realize that everyone is talking about everyone and why did your nephew smack your kid and why the hell isn't your brother doing anything about it? You just step back and go, what is joyous about this whole thing again? The cooking, well, the reheating, the cleaning, the disrespectful children, trying to spray whipped cream into their mouths directly from the can? I think about this and then I remind myself that the Thanksgivings that I loved the most were when I was a kid and I didn't have to worry about not having enough tupperware to put leftovers in running out of silverware before dessert... That's why the kids love it, that's why I loved it then... no worries, except for eating and being together.
I like the moments when we laugh at each other and even the moments when one of my brothers makes some snide comment and they always do, about something inane. I roll my eyes when I have to take the baseball bats from my nephew and from Ty who, incidentally are swinging them at the big punching bag out in the garage. I shudder to think of Luke swinging the bat near Ty's head. I smile when Katie comes and sits next to me to show me how well she can read Junie B. Jones and I crack up when she ran up earlier and said, "Aunt Vet, there's zombies in the backyard" as Christine, John and Steve chased the little kids around while they screamed.
Maybe it's only a matter of time before you notice the little things that piss you off or annoy the hell out of you; that just comes with the territory I guess, but, as the day winds down, you kind of shrug and smile and say, well, at least we all have a chance to share those moments together and you remember what really makes the holidays so great. It's not the food and it's definitely not the football, although my family would disagree with that. It's about having something to share with people who know you and who, at the very least, claim to love you; it's about coming together once in awhile and forgetting the little things like your brother texting that you are a dick (he claims it was meant for someone else) or the mass confusion about why there are two turkeys and no ham. Maybe there needs to be more booze and less tryptophan; maybe there needs to be more time to play and less cooking, sorry reheating. Maybe there needs to be less of everything; less money spent, less effort, less worry. Maybe there just needs to be a day when you see your family and it's just about sitting around, shooting the shit and escaping the daily grind and really, that should be enough.
I like Thanksgiving. I always have. I like laughing with my brothers and seeing the kids interact with each other and with my parents. I like having to cut Tim off after whatever number margarita he's on. I was half joking, but he actually said at one point, "I'm cut off." I like that I'm no longer waitressing on the holidays; that was always the worst. I like that Ty passed out cold at 8:00 and hasn't moved since. I like that my mom is feeling better and that the rugrat Maynard made an appearance. I like that there are leftovers. And I really like that no one has to get up early tomorrow...
I have great kids, I have a husband who claims to still love me after 18 years of marriage, I have a job that I love and friends who support me and who make me laugh, I have a family who I care for deeply and, I have a full life. For all those things and people, I am truly thankful. Next year I hope to be thankful for the following:
A better economy, a Guilty verdict and life in prison for Jerry Sandusky, less military personnel deployed overseas, more quality educators, Nick making and keeping friends, more patience, less profanity (dammit, going to have to work on that) more flexibility (literally and figuratively), a full time job for Steve and sobriety, more overtime for police officers if they want it, a full time job for Christine in her field wherever she wants it, a great soccer season for Jake, more time with my husband, better knees and, a trip to the Chicago marathon... and that's just the short list. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Welcome to Public School...
I'm going to take some heat on this one, but, you know the drill... I don't really care. And, if I did really care, then I certainly wouldn't open myself up in a forum as public as this so that you or anyone else could comment on what I have to say. I'm going to take heat because I want to take aim at teachers and, I am one so therein lies the hypocrisy. Well, somewhat.
I want the bureaucratic nonsense to stop. I want there to be a system in place that not only eliminates the frivolous use of resources; one might argue that as of late, there is no frivolity because there are no funds, but, that is not the case. Do your research. I want that system to also include a "fine toothcomb" evaluation board that is comprised of a variety of educated individuals who have either excelled in their own teaching careers or who are currently excelling in them. I want this board or panel to represent the best of what our profession has to offer and to then take that expertise and devise a rigid, comprehensive evaluation process that leaves nothing to hide and that includes, as members, both teachers and administrators. I want evaluations to be on a regular basis with surprise "visits" to the classroom. I want classes to be offered either free or at a discount, by local Universities, to any educator who needs to stay current in his/her field. A program that encourages continued education, at a discount, with the incentive being that you keep your job and/or garner a promotion/salary increase. I want a system where the teacher, regardless of how many students he/she has, knows who my child is and what he/she is capable of and I want that teacher to admit when he/she is so overwhelmed or incapable of performance that my child ends up basically wasting a year of his/her life. I want a system that encourages homework only as a reinforcer, not as a time waster. Life is not built around the idea that the more you assign, the better a teacher you are. And, while we are at it, let's make "Draw and Label your own Island" an extra credit assignment shall we? There has to be an easier and more effective means of teaching children how to use the Legend on a map...
I sat through another IEP meeting today and I have to say that although it was standard fare, I appreciated the directness of the "specialists" and I found myself taking notes, some of which I might actually refer to in future. What I found and what I find disconcerting about Special Education in the public school is this notion that the plan is individualized to meet the child's needs. But here's the thing, those "needs" revolve around the child doing "well" and, even with the IEP goals in place, the only real yardstick that the district has is the same old totem pole that it has always used and that is, grades. A child is doing "well" if he/she demonstrates competency in the core subject areas. The other areas, such as social/emotional development or areas where "special" needs are addressed are broken down into categories and are then assigned an objective and a tangible "goal" that is supposed to be reached by a future point in time. What does this all mean? It means that the minute that you find out your child might be eligible or in need of special education services, you'd better find yourself a Child Advocate and put a Special Education Lawyer on your Rolodex if not on your Speed Dial because I'll tell you, every single time I walk into one of those meetings, I feel like I am facing a firing squad.
Maybe it isn't the teachers specifically that I'm taking aim at, I mean they are just trying to do their jobs, but it's this lack of understanding and even empathy at times that disturbs me. Yeah they have an inordinate amount of children and students to deal with and yes, there aren't enough hours in the day, but, wake up call, this is what they signed up for. They went into their respective fields because they wanted to make a difference. No one goes into teaching for the money or, especially not now, for the purported job security. People choose to teach because they are called to do it, like nuns or nurses I guess. You have to want to change lives to enter into a profession as demanding as education and if you don't, well, we've both met those who don't: burnouts in the worst sense of the word.
What I found particularly interesting about today's meeting was the presentation. Here are the services that the district provides if your son stays in public school and painted up, they all sound wonderful and many of them are. OT and Speech, sensory integration therapy and peer support. Sounds like a proverbial buffet and there I am thinking, well, maybe it's possible to receive some of these services if we bring our child to the school as part of the new plan, but still let him attend the private school where he is now? Um, how about no way in hell? See, it's about the money, show me the money and we'll meet your child's needs and that's it. Want services? Go to public school or sue the district for not providing FAPE for your kid. Acronyms - the lifeblood of special education. Keep notes, ask questions, get a dictionary and a map because apparently you are going to need to make several trips to various locations to peruse and gather the free resources that are provided by the district. SELPA (office), another important acronym.
Here's the thing, as a parent, how are you supposed to be automatically versed in Special Education; here you are dealing with a diagnosis and the daunting task of formulating a plan outside of school which will involve family, friends, coaches...
All the while, trying to rely on the school "team" to provide you with accurate, up to date, reasonable information, choices and services that your child may or may not receive depending upon said diagnosis. This should not be a situation of sink or swim. One must wade carefully into the waters of Special Education and this means, going slowly, while, sadly, your child continues to grow and try to manage his/her situation while you are trying to manage the information at the same time. Before you know it, 3 years has gone by and your child is being re-tested.
Public Education as a system is illogical. So many things that are done or not done don't make any sense. We know this. Even people who don't have children know this. I am not naive, I'm not ignorant, I'm not an idealist. I'm just a mom who wants her kid to be able to manage school in an environment that works best for him. My taxes pay for good schools in my neighborhood, but those schools cannot meet his needs no matter how many services they offer, regardless of the programs that are available. A system that tries to "manage" learning, education, students is very much like someone who "tolerates" others. If someone treated you as if they tolerated you, would that be sufficient, would that be "fair and appropriate?" To me, it wouldn't and it doesn't.
Teachers should be assessed more efficiently, programs and services offered by the district should be explained prior to parents needing to seek them out. There has to a more stringent means of hiring and firing people who are a part of this profession. When we look at ourselves and we recognize what our weaknesses are, only then can we move forward. There is no room for complacency nor mediocrity in education and the longer we tolerate it, the more damage both cause. Teachers have an overwhelming task and they should be compensated by their performance, their time, their dedication and of course, by results, measurable by some yardstick other than Standardized Test Scores. But there has to be a recognition that there are so many teachers out there who should not be teaching, who have to go. Restructure the system so that these people either live up to higher expectations or they get fired. Why do we protect people in a position to exert a tremendous amount of influence over a segment of the population that is the most vulnerable, the most innocent and who have the chance to make the most difference in the next generation?
If you tell me that I have weaknesses, I work on them, but, really, I already know what they are. I talk to my students, I consider what they say. I talk to my colleagues, I ask for help, I recognize when I am in over my head. Does any of this make me a better teacher? I don't know, but I do know that it keeps me in a Growth mindset rather than in a fixed one. And because of this, I keep trying to improve and to be better and to learn more and if that doesn't sum up what teachers do, I don't know what does. If you have a child in the public school system, start at the beginning. Find out what's available and where you need to go to get it and then GO.
Interestingly, although the "standards" have changed since I was in Kindergarten and in Elementary School, there were 28 kids in my class and I was reading before I left my K class. We even took naps back then. We had reading groups, we worked with kids who were of the same ability level and we moved at our own pace. We had one teacher and no aides in the class. We did homework that made sense and by 4th grade, I was doing 5th grade work and the more I did, the more the teacher gave me to do. There was no, "Please don't read ahead so that class can stay together." That is one of the most ridiculous statements I've ever heard come out of a teacher's mouth.
There are no real solutions here because the "problems" are like tentacles, reaching far and deep into every aspect of education. I know that. I just would like more parents to know, going into a school, that they have the right to question everything and everyone and that they don't have to take it just because a "teacher" told them that's how it is. That teacher most likely has a degree and a teaching credential. How did he/she become a sudden expert on psychological testing and emotionally disturbed children and working with autism and the social benefits of similar task grouping and... the list is endless. A teacher might do the same thing two years in a row, curriculum wise as mandated by the State of course, but I would hope, I would wish, I would pray that the teacher would adjust how he/she presents the material according to the students that he/she has THAT year. Clearly, what works for one class, doesn't work for another, even if that means, just two kids in the class.
A student told me the other night, Hey Ms. Hawley, you never stick to the syllabus, you always change everything and I agreed. I despise the syllabus. It's like a monkey on my back. It helps the students, but only if I stick to it and clearly, therein lies the problem. So I ask her, why are you taking me for the third time. She laughed and said, "Because you're a fantastic teacher." One does not have to give way for the other; I know plenty of fantastic teachers who follow the syllabus. Organization is not my strong suit; it never has been. I recognize that and I work on it. Slowly...
At the end of the day, Nick stays where he is, in a private school where the environment is slower paced, kinder if you will and less intrusive. I forfeited his services by signing them away yesterday and although I was worried about the implications of doing this, I feel, deep down, that it was the right decision at this time. A year from now, it might be different. If it is, then we'll address it then.
Ty said to his Preppie K teacher, "Hey, there's too much people in this class." She laughed and said, "Yes Ty, there are too many people in this class." She laughed and I smiled yet there was a moment when we both realized the truth in that statement and that it reflected something much deeper than either of us was willing or able to address. Hey, if the 5 year old feels it, what is there to do?
Educate yourself parents, go back to school, get resources and be prepared, because it's only going to get more difficult as the belt tightens and the expectations grow. Oh, and please, read to your children... just had to throw that in there.
I want the bureaucratic nonsense to stop. I want there to be a system in place that not only eliminates the frivolous use of resources; one might argue that as of late, there is no frivolity because there are no funds, but, that is not the case. Do your research. I want that system to also include a "fine toothcomb" evaluation board that is comprised of a variety of educated individuals who have either excelled in their own teaching careers or who are currently excelling in them. I want this board or panel to represent the best of what our profession has to offer and to then take that expertise and devise a rigid, comprehensive evaluation process that leaves nothing to hide and that includes, as members, both teachers and administrators. I want evaluations to be on a regular basis with surprise "visits" to the classroom. I want classes to be offered either free or at a discount, by local Universities, to any educator who needs to stay current in his/her field. A program that encourages continued education, at a discount, with the incentive being that you keep your job and/or garner a promotion/salary increase. I want a system where the teacher, regardless of how many students he/she has, knows who my child is and what he/she is capable of and I want that teacher to admit when he/she is so overwhelmed or incapable of performance that my child ends up basically wasting a year of his/her life. I want a system that encourages homework only as a reinforcer, not as a time waster. Life is not built around the idea that the more you assign, the better a teacher you are. And, while we are at it, let's make "Draw and Label your own Island" an extra credit assignment shall we? There has to be an easier and more effective means of teaching children how to use the Legend on a map...
I sat through another IEP meeting today and I have to say that although it was standard fare, I appreciated the directness of the "specialists" and I found myself taking notes, some of which I might actually refer to in future. What I found and what I find disconcerting about Special Education in the public school is this notion that the plan is individualized to meet the child's needs. But here's the thing, those "needs" revolve around the child doing "well" and, even with the IEP goals in place, the only real yardstick that the district has is the same old totem pole that it has always used and that is, grades. A child is doing "well" if he/she demonstrates competency in the core subject areas. The other areas, such as social/emotional development or areas where "special" needs are addressed are broken down into categories and are then assigned an objective and a tangible "goal" that is supposed to be reached by a future point in time. What does this all mean? It means that the minute that you find out your child might be eligible or in need of special education services, you'd better find yourself a Child Advocate and put a Special Education Lawyer on your Rolodex if not on your Speed Dial because I'll tell you, every single time I walk into one of those meetings, I feel like I am facing a firing squad.
Maybe it isn't the teachers specifically that I'm taking aim at, I mean they are just trying to do their jobs, but it's this lack of understanding and even empathy at times that disturbs me. Yeah they have an inordinate amount of children and students to deal with and yes, there aren't enough hours in the day, but, wake up call, this is what they signed up for. They went into their respective fields because they wanted to make a difference. No one goes into teaching for the money or, especially not now, for the purported job security. People choose to teach because they are called to do it, like nuns or nurses I guess. You have to want to change lives to enter into a profession as demanding as education and if you don't, well, we've both met those who don't: burnouts in the worst sense of the word.
What I found particularly interesting about today's meeting was the presentation. Here are the services that the district provides if your son stays in public school and painted up, they all sound wonderful and many of them are. OT and Speech, sensory integration therapy and peer support. Sounds like a proverbial buffet and there I am thinking, well, maybe it's possible to receive some of these services if we bring our child to the school as part of the new plan, but still let him attend the private school where he is now? Um, how about no way in hell? See, it's about the money, show me the money and we'll meet your child's needs and that's it. Want services? Go to public school or sue the district for not providing FAPE for your kid. Acronyms - the lifeblood of special education. Keep notes, ask questions, get a dictionary and a map because apparently you are going to need to make several trips to various locations to peruse and gather the free resources that are provided by the district. SELPA (office), another important acronym.
Here's the thing, as a parent, how are you supposed to be automatically versed in Special Education; here you are dealing with a diagnosis and the daunting task of formulating a plan outside of school which will involve family, friends, coaches...
All the while, trying to rely on the school "team" to provide you with accurate, up to date, reasonable information, choices and services that your child may or may not receive depending upon said diagnosis. This should not be a situation of sink or swim. One must wade carefully into the waters of Special Education and this means, going slowly, while, sadly, your child continues to grow and try to manage his/her situation while you are trying to manage the information at the same time. Before you know it, 3 years has gone by and your child is being re-tested.
Public Education as a system is illogical. So many things that are done or not done don't make any sense. We know this. Even people who don't have children know this. I am not naive, I'm not ignorant, I'm not an idealist. I'm just a mom who wants her kid to be able to manage school in an environment that works best for him. My taxes pay for good schools in my neighborhood, but those schools cannot meet his needs no matter how many services they offer, regardless of the programs that are available. A system that tries to "manage" learning, education, students is very much like someone who "tolerates" others. If someone treated you as if they tolerated you, would that be sufficient, would that be "fair and appropriate?" To me, it wouldn't and it doesn't.
Teachers should be assessed more efficiently, programs and services offered by the district should be explained prior to parents needing to seek them out. There has to a more stringent means of hiring and firing people who are a part of this profession. When we look at ourselves and we recognize what our weaknesses are, only then can we move forward. There is no room for complacency nor mediocrity in education and the longer we tolerate it, the more damage both cause. Teachers have an overwhelming task and they should be compensated by their performance, their time, their dedication and of course, by results, measurable by some yardstick other than Standardized Test Scores. But there has to be a recognition that there are so many teachers out there who should not be teaching, who have to go. Restructure the system so that these people either live up to higher expectations or they get fired. Why do we protect people in a position to exert a tremendous amount of influence over a segment of the population that is the most vulnerable, the most innocent and who have the chance to make the most difference in the next generation?
If you tell me that I have weaknesses, I work on them, but, really, I already know what they are. I talk to my students, I consider what they say. I talk to my colleagues, I ask for help, I recognize when I am in over my head. Does any of this make me a better teacher? I don't know, but I do know that it keeps me in a Growth mindset rather than in a fixed one. And because of this, I keep trying to improve and to be better and to learn more and if that doesn't sum up what teachers do, I don't know what does. If you have a child in the public school system, start at the beginning. Find out what's available and where you need to go to get it and then GO.
Interestingly, although the "standards" have changed since I was in Kindergarten and in Elementary School, there were 28 kids in my class and I was reading before I left my K class. We even took naps back then. We had reading groups, we worked with kids who were of the same ability level and we moved at our own pace. We had one teacher and no aides in the class. We did homework that made sense and by 4th grade, I was doing 5th grade work and the more I did, the more the teacher gave me to do. There was no, "Please don't read ahead so that class can stay together." That is one of the most ridiculous statements I've ever heard come out of a teacher's mouth.
There are no real solutions here because the "problems" are like tentacles, reaching far and deep into every aspect of education. I know that. I just would like more parents to know, going into a school, that they have the right to question everything and everyone and that they don't have to take it just because a "teacher" told them that's how it is. That teacher most likely has a degree and a teaching credential. How did he/she become a sudden expert on psychological testing and emotionally disturbed children and working with autism and the social benefits of similar task grouping and... the list is endless. A teacher might do the same thing two years in a row, curriculum wise as mandated by the State of course, but I would hope, I would wish, I would pray that the teacher would adjust how he/she presents the material according to the students that he/she has THAT year. Clearly, what works for one class, doesn't work for another, even if that means, just two kids in the class.
A student told me the other night, Hey Ms. Hawley, you never stick to the syllabus, you always change everything and I agreed. I despise the syllabus. It's like a monkey on my back. It helps the students, but only if I stick to it and clearly, therein lies the problem. So I ask her, why are you taking me for the third time. She laughed and said, "Because you're a fantastic teacher." One does not have to give way for the other; I know plenty of fantastic teachers who follow the syllabus. Organization is not my strong suit; it never has been. I recognize that and I work on it. Slowly...
At the end of the day, Nick stays where he is, in a private school where the environment is slower paced, kinder if you will and less intrusive. I forfeited his services by signing them away yesterday and although I was worried about the implications of doing this, I feel, deep down, that it was the right decision at this time. A year from now, it might be different. If it is, then we'll address it then.
Ty said to his Preppie K teacher, "Hey, there's too much people in this class." She laughed and said, "Yes Ty, there are too many people in this class." She laughed and I smiled yet there was a moment when we both realized the truth in that statement and that it reflected something much deeper than either of us was willing or able to address. Hey, if the 5 year old feels it, what is there to do?
Educate yourself parents, go back to school, get resources and be prepared, because it's only going to get more difficult as the belt tightens and the expectations grow. Oh, and please, read to your children... just had to throw that in there.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Running the New York Marathon... 11/6/11
"Run like you stole something Ms. Hawley" words immortalized on the back of the running jersey that I will wear tomorrow in the New York marathon. I asked my students at Santa Monica College if they would like to sign my jersey before I left on the journey that brought me here tonight and most all of them did sign it; most of them, in fact, wrote the silliest, funniest and really memorable things. In addition to the one aforementioned, another classic would have to be "You better finish!" Almost sounds like a threat. When I asked the student about that, he laughed and said, "I just want to see the medal." Well, show me the money New York because it's on...
As I sit here in the dark, in the room at the Royal Park Hostel where I am staying, after just having had a "tension" reliever dinner with Rosh, Coco and Emma(also insane and highly motivated New York marathon runners)I am trying to draw from my word bank, the most appropriate and creatively descriptive words and phrases to accurately demonstrate what I'm feeling right now and, basically, I can't. I don't like to use that phrase and frankly, I use it very rarely, but there is no exact combination of things that I could say that can even begin to describe what the next 24 hours will be like. So, instead of trying, let me share a couple of stories and I hope that these will convey what this experience is like and what it will be like tomorrow...
The first marathon that I ran 3 years ago was for APLA and although I ran on Sundays, the Saturday group had a fantastic running coach named Scott. We had a much smaller group on Sundays that first year, but we knew who Scott was, just from the wonderful anecdotes that were shared about him, by the other coaches. I had only seen him a few times, but I too had heard the stories and he is beloved; that is the best way to describe it. Beloved. Two weeks ago, the new season for APLA began; the training for the Los Angeles Marathon in March and, I went, I signed up and there, in front of almost 200 alumni, was Coach Scott and this time, the story that involved him, that he would tell, would change everything, including an experience for a woman who had never met Scott, who never even knew who he was...
There are many reasons why I am sitting here and most of them have to do with you. Your support and generosity have fueled the fire that makes me want to continue to run these races. I could not do this without your help and that's really the whole point. We rely on each other in these marathons and we rely on everyone who surrounds us: family, friends, spectators, even people who we've never met, people whose lives benefit from the money that is raised, people who are trying to change the world by recruiting others to join in the crusade for charitable organizations.
I sit here because I represent all of them and you...
Coach Scott sent me a message saying that he was coming to New York to cheer on his brother in law and others who would be running. Then he shared the news that he had deferred his entry as long as possible for the last couple of years, but that this year he would have to use it. But, he wasn't going to be able to run and, by the way, Did I know anyone who could use it? (Insert mischievous smile here)
Coco Comer is one of those women who you want to know because you realize, once you've spent about 2 minutes with her, that she is everything that you could ever want in a friend: she's funny, smart, a confidante, she drinks, she runs and she's as quick as a whip. And, she's here, in New York, to cheer us on, oh, but now, she's running with us. Two days before the marathon and she has become Coach Scott and there couldn't have been a better person to represent this lovely and courageous man.
Coach Scott is in his own health marathon right now; battling two kinds of cancer. It is not my place to share details or even to ask I guess, but I think that by having made this coincidental connection and then by his graciously giving Coco his bib number, he has inadvertently bound us all together. Tomorrow when she runs, she will embody, as she does, all of the wonderful qualities about Coach Scott: his strength, his poise, his grace and his determination and, most of all his courage. Events unify us, but love and friendship, sharing and respect bind us forever.
I chose Autism Speaks this year because of Nick, for Nick and for all children with Autism. Tonight, as we sat at the dinner and listened to the stories and the numbers and when we met many people from all over, I was reminded of little I really know about the world and how simply naive I've become once again. I mean, do I think I have even a remote chance of changing the world with the 3 thousand dollars I've raised when a man stood up there who had raised 121 thousand? Do I, even in my wildest dreams, think that by running a 6 or even a 5 hour marathon will matter to anyone? How can I begin to imagine that what I do out there tomorrow has a real impact on any of it? On the world? On you?
So, I sit here and reflect, type, wonder, wait to get tired enough to fall asleep, knowing that I have to wake up in a little over 5 hours, in the freezing cold, take the subway, walk 4 blocks, take a bus and then wait around for 3 hours in order to run 26.2 miles... what definition of crazy is most appropriate here?
I'm scared and excited, nervous, jittery, my head hurts, I'm tired, I shouldn't have had that martini earlier or that ice cream if we're really counting, I miss my kids, I need to take a walk and clear my head. I am feeling a lot right now, slowly building to a boiling point that will no doubt explode some time tomorrow. But here's the beauty in it all. Not for one single second do I doubt that I will cross that finish line tomorrow. It's not pride or vanity or ego in this instance; it is simply sheer will. Whatever I have to do, however I have to do it, I will finish. And knowing that is the only option gives me enough peace to let all of the rest of it go for a few hours. Knowing that reminds me that Nick and Jake and Ty and all of the other children and families who are out there struggling with Autism or with HIV or with Cancer, all of those families who will show up tomorrow to cheer us on when we need it the most are what matters. Coach Scott matters, love matters, hope matters.
I'm going to close my eyes now and I'm going to say a quick prayer that might look something like this:
Dear Lord,
Remember why we are all running tomorrow and help those who cannot help themselves. Please give us all the strength and the patience to reach our destination whether that be a finish line or a starting line. And Lord, remind us of the greatness of helping others, of spreading the joy and love that reside in all of us. And, one more thing? Thank you for bringing me here. I won't let you down. I won't let any of you down.
Good luck to all of the runners tomorrow, may your feet be as light as your hearts and may they not hurt too badly. Thank you again for all of your wishes everyone. Close your eyes about 5 pm tomorrow and send me some more of those because that's when I will need them the most.
I run because I hope, I believe, I trust, I love, I care, I am blessed... I run because I KNOW that one person starts the change that makes the world better and tomorrow, there will be about 47,000 of them vying for the chance to show the world just that. Good Luck Marathoners!
New York City, 2011
As I sit here in the dark, in the room at the Royal Park Hostel where I am staying, after just having had a "tension" reliever dinner with Rosh, Coco and Emma(also insane and highly motivated New York marathon runners)I am trying to draw from my word bank, the most appropriate and creatively descriptive words and phrases to accurately demonstrate what I'm feeling right now and, basically, I can't. I don't like to use that phrase and frankly, I use it very rarely, but there is no exact combination of things that I could say that can even begin to describe what the next 24 hours will be like. So, instead of trying, let me share a couple of stories and I hope that these will convey what this experience is like and what it will be like tomorrow...
The first marathon that I ran 3 years ago was for APLA and although I ran on Sundays, the Saturday group had a fantastic running coach named Scott. We had a much smaller group on Sundays that first year, but we knew who Scott was, just from the wonderful anecdotes that were shared about him, by the other coaches. I had only seen him a few times, but I too had heard the stories and he is beloved; that is the best way to describe it. Beloved. Two weeks ago, the new season for APLA began; the training for the Los Angeles Marathon in March and, I went, I signed up and there, in front of almost 200 alumni, was Coach Scott and this time, the story that involved him, that he would tell, would change everything, including an experience for a woman who had never met Scott, who never even knew who he was...
There are many reasons why I am sitting here and most of them have to do with you. Your support and generosity have fueled the fire that makes me want to continue to run these races. I could not do this without your help and that's really the whole point. We rely on each other in these marathons and we rely on everyone who surrounds us: family, friends, spectators, even people who we've never met, people whose lives benefit from the money that is raised, people who are trying to change the world by recruiting others to join in the crusade for charitable organizations.
I sit here because I represent all of them and you...
Coach Scott sent me a message saying that he was coming to New York to cheer on his brother in law and others who would be running. Then he shared the news that he had deferred his entry as long as possible for the last couple of years, but that this year he would have to use it. But, he wasn't going to be able to run and, by the way, Did I know anyone who could use it? (Insert mischievous smile here)
Coco Comer is one of those women who you want to know because you realize, once you've spent about 2 minutes with her, that she is everything that you could ever want in a friend: she's funny, smart, a confidante, she drinks, she runs and she's as quick as a whip. And, she's here, in New York, to cheer us on, oh, but now, she's running with us. Two days before the marathon and she has become Coach Scott and there couldn't have been a better person to represent this lovely and courageous man.
Coach Scott is in his own health marathon right now; battling two kinds of cancer. It is not my place to share details or even to ask I guess, but I think that by having made this coincidental connection and then by his graciously giving Coco his bib number, he has inadvertently bound us all together. Tomorrow when she runs, she will embody, as she does, all of the wonderful qualities about Coach Scott: his strength, his poise, his grace and his determination and, most of all his courage. Events unify us, but love and friendship, sharing and respect bind us forever.
I chose Autism Speaks this year because of Nick, for Nick and for all children with Autism. Tonight, as we sat at the dinner and listened to the stories and the numbers and when we met many people from all over, I was reminded of little I really know about the world and how simply naive I've become once again. I mean, do I think I have even a remote chance of changing the world with the 3 thousand dollars I've raised when a man stood up there who had raised 121 thousand? Do I, even in my wildest dreams, think that by running a 6 or even a 5 hour marathon will matter to anyone? How can I begin to imagine that what I do out there tomorrow has a real impact on any of it? On the world? On you?
So, I sit here and reflect, type, wonder, wait to get tired enough to fall asleep, knowing that I have to wake up in a little over 5 hours, in the freezing cold, take the subway, walk 4 blocks, take a bus and then wait around for 3 hours in order to run 26.2 miles... what definition of crazy is most appropriate here?
I'm scared and excited, nervous, jittery, my head hurts, I'm tired, I shouldn't have had that martini earlier or that ice cream if we're really counting, I miss my kids, I need to take a walk and clear my head. I am feeling a lot right now, slowly building to a boiling point that will no doubt explode some time tomorrow. But here's the beauty in it all. Not for one single second do I doubt that I will cross that finish line tomorrow. It's not pride or vanity or ego in this instance; it is simply sheer will. Whatever I have to do, however I have to do it, I will finish. And knowing that is the only option gives me enough peace to let all of the rest of it go for a few hours. Knowing that reminds me that Nick and Jake and Ty and all of the other children and families who are out there struggling with Autism or with HIV or with Cancer, all of those families who will show up tomorrow to cheer us on when we need it the most are what matters. Coach Scott matters, love matters, hope matters.
I'm going to close my eyes now and I'm going to say a quick prayer that might look something like this:
Dear Lord,
Remember why we are all running tomorrow and help those who cannot help themselves. Please give us all the strength and the patience to reach our destination whether that be a finish line or a starting line. And Lord, remind us of the greatness of helping others, of spreading the joy and love that reside in all of us. And, one more thing? Thank you for bringing me here. I won't let you down. I won't let any of you down.
Good luck to all of the runners tomorrow, may your feet be as light as your hearts and may they not hurt too badly. Thank you again for all of your wishes everyone. Close your eyes about 5 pm tomorrow and send me some more of those because that's when I will need them the most.
I run because I hope, I believe, I trust, I love, I care, I am blessed... I run because I KNOW that one person starts the change that makes the world better and tomorrow, there will be about 47,000 of them vying for the chance to show the world just that. Good Luck Marathoners!
New York City, 2011
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