Wednesday, May 28, 2014
May 28, 2014
Maya Angelou died today at the age of 86... I am deeply saddened to learn of her passing.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
To medicate or not to medicate...
I wish it were as simple as me being able to look at someone and tell them exactly what I think... but, you and I both know that there exist layer upon layer of social "rules of order" that do not allow for this kind of forthright verisimilitude. However, as one who has not always followed the rules, I am inclined to think that a straight forward approach is apropos in many cases and albeit, this could mean that I lose someone's respect or friendship, well, then that will just have to be a chance that I am willing to take. Educating someone who chooses to remain ignorant about a topic let's say and then turns around to publicly denounce and/or humiliate another person based on said ignorance, well, let's just agree that if it were appropriate to hit people in public, then I would be the most appropriate person on the planet...
I'm speaking in riddles I know, but, if I disclose everything in one place, then there is no mystery, there is no foreplay. It just simply is, she said this, I said that and BAM, done. I always got the impression that you wanted me to tease you a bit before I revealed all, but then again, sometimes it is good to just get right to it. Either way, I have to say, I am enjoying this little one sided back and forth if you will. Or not, maybe I'm just deliriously tired and ashamed of some of the things that I am thinking at this particular moment in time.
SO, having said, well, nothing important or of any particular interest, let's move on to something else: medication. Now I have your attention. Since I first posted several months ago about being diagnosed with ADD, many people have asked me about my course of action or, in layman's terms "What drugs did you get?" Pause for reaction... There is a politically correct discussion that looms around the prescription of medication for those who suffer from Attention Deficit issues and, in my case, that are primarily paired with Mood issues/disorders. See, in the course of my research and in continuing to see my therapist (who, incidentally, I LOVE, for a variety of reasons), I have found that there are not only "types" of ADD but levels as well; the symptoms and the treatments are has varied as the patients themselves. At one point, the prescriber wanted me to try Depakote which is actually used in patients who have seizures (this after a long discussion of my migraine headaches and my often severe mood swings), but the more I read up on the side effects and the dosage and my overall "goals" for taking medication in the first place, the more quickly I learned that all Depakote would do, and after taking it twice, was make me feel "nothing." And, my friends, nothing is not something that I want to refer to in terms of how I "feel" about anything. It drugged me. Trite I know, but that is how I felt, like I wasn't emoting at all. Needless to say, two pills in and those went the way of "back to the pharmacy." In conjunction with Depakote, I was and have been taking for almost two months now, wait for it... Adderall. Well, a generic. It's cheaper, but, yes, Adderall, a low dosage, but, let me just say, one that is working the way that she said that it would.
Now, here is where all of the "hacks" and the anti-med people jump on the bandwagon or create a completely valid argument for why I feel "better" when taking amphetamines... just wait a second, OF COUSE I'm going to feel better - they are DRUGS. They are giving me DRUGS... wait, I'm laughing hysterically. Ok, I'm calm now. But, I think if you allow me to pontificate momentarily, I can explain the difference between being "wasted" and being "medicated." Splitting hairs for some of you, but, have you met me, like I give a Rat's ass about splitting hairs. So, back to the drugs, ok MEDS...
I have learned that there are frontloading medications as opposed to a twice daily routine and I prefer the frontloading ones although they are more expensive because this particular one doesn't come in generic form, but it works for me because I only have to take it once a day and by the time that it seems to wear off, I feel like I might be able to fall asleep and, BIG side effect, one that I am not all that happy about is trouble sleeping. This doesn't seem to be the case with the time release meds as much as the twice daily because I felt like they were still working when I went to pass out at 9 or 10; now, I just stay up a little later and that seems to do the trick. But, overall, my body seems to be adjusting. So, I take one pill in the morning after breakfast and, well, there you go, that's it. CURED! Just kidding... that's just the beginning.
If I could describe the feeling, I would simply say, it feels like my brain got plugged in. Like someone literally grabbed a hold of the loose wires in my brain and re-connected them. I do not get hyper or jittery or spastic. I do not mumble incoherently or move faster than a speeding bullet. Instead, it is just the opposite, I feel... calm. Now, when this happened, this feeling, it was immediate and it was on the first day and since then, she has adjusted the dosage a bit so now I feel "just right." Also, my brain seems to work in accordance with the meds now rather than seemingly fighting against them as I have heard some people describe it. I mean, Adderall is Speed. I suppose I could snort Coke and get the same effect but, not having ever used cocaine nor having the financial means to do so and also the fact that it too is a drug, I think I may stick with the prescription for now. I know splitting hairs... fuck you. Anyway, so during the time that my brain is on "drugs," I feel hard wired for peace. I can focus better and longer, but no I am not instantly OFFICE MANAGER supreme; I didn't suddenly gain the ability to become organized and super efficient, BUT the two main keys are these: I can sustain my attention for longer with one particular activity so, by virtue of that, I am able to complete more tasks and, at the same time, to be less distracted and impulsive. In addition, when I don't finish something or I lose something or I am running behind, I am calmer about the end result. I am finding ways to work around the issues as they come up rather than ram through them like the Bulls running in Pamplona... There is an ease that comes over my brain, my being, my self, that makes me not so volatile, so emotional, so quick to act, which is a major factor in ADD. Impulsivity, inability to focus and mood swings/quick to anger/judgment... all factors that have impeded my ability to be successful in many relationships and jobs. People don't understand why I've taken jobs that pay me 10 or 12 dollars an hour because I have a Master's Degree. What they don't understand is, it isn't that I'm not capable of doing any job or going back to school or getting a Ph.d. Of course I am and of course I could, but when you struggle with the follow through, when you battle every single day with the question of "Will I get this done?" or even, "Will I do it right?" it's extremely hard to put yourself in a position where you know that you will fail. I don't mind failing and I have numerous times, but when the pressure is so intense and it resonates from a place where other people are relying on you, well, let's just say that I'd rather have some flexibility and less pressure than money or prestige. I enjoy tasks that have an expiration date and I love being productive. I try very hard to set smaller goals for myself like weeding the garden instead of, this summer I think I'll go to Tanzania... how am I going to save the money. The thing is, I still want to go to Tanzania, that Yvette hasn't changed and I hope to get there, but by saying I'm going to weed the garden and then by getting out there and finishing it for the day, I feel like I can now sit back and work on the bigger task of getting to Tanzania. The medication makes me less willing to go to that dark place of tears and subterfuge that has often derailed my ability to function. I have spent many nights curled up on the kitchen floor sobbing, not understanding why things are the way they are and why I am the way I am. In this respect, Nick and I have a lot in common. He doesn't exhibit these outpourings of emotion, but he often describes it as though he has two brains and he sometimes cannot understand why he does things in a certain way when he would like to do them in another way. I am identical to him in that respect. But overall, the medication is re-connecting the shorted wires.
In conjunction with the meds, I go to therapy regularly and I am exercising again. I miss Bikram and I will get back to it, it is really expensive, but those with attention deficit issues have to do HARD exercise: running, weights, martial arts, yoga... activities that exhaust their bodies and simultaneously help them to focus. When the brain is exhausted and willing, clarity comes and that is when people with ADD are the most productive. I don't really drink alcohol anymore either. I will have a drink now and then; I had one the other night with my friends, but usually I have a drink maybe once every couple of weeks. I also try to sit quietly at the end of the day for a few minutes to think about what could have been done differently that day and then I remind myself not to beat myself up. I try to focus on what I did right because for too long I focused on what I did wrong.
My diet has been better too; another side effect to the meds can be killing of the appetite, but unfortunately for me, that has yet to happen, but I am trying to be more mindful of what I eat and how much water I drink. As a result, my migraines are fewer and further between so I am thankful for that. I guess in the long run, I can say that I don't think I will take medication for ever, but now that I have been officially diagnosed and I have gone through the proper channels, including having a complete physical and an EKG, I can wholeheartedly say that I am relieved to know that there is something there that I can try to manage, with help and that my overall level of empathy for those and with those who have learning differences or challenges has multiplied extensively. I'm an average person who has worked hard to accomplish the goals that I set for myself but I also have a strong support system including friends who don't judge me and my former mistakes. Those who did judge, I kicked to the curb. No time for that nonsense. And for what it's worth, if you struggle with an issue, know that it isn't something that WEB MD is going to provide an answer for nor is the issue going to have one solution. Rather, there will be many components to the solution that require longevity and trial and error and that a huge part of the battle is finding the "right" system of components, including professionals and friends who will be there with you when you turn right on the wrong street and instead of laughing at you, they will shield you from the consequences so that the next time, you will turn the way that you were supposed to. There is nothing wrong with me. I am simply an Yvette with quirks that require some tweaking, not to function mind you, but to be better, for myself, for my children, for my husband and for those who choose to remain in my world and in everything around me.
There is no cure, there are only gradients in the path that we each are on. Lately, mine had been riddles with gravel and I fell often. Now I have a good set of knee pads. And, that has made all the difference... be well.
I'm speaking in riddles I know, but, if I disclose everything in one place, then there is no mystery, there is no foreplay. It just simply is, she said this, I said that and BAM, done. I always got the impression that you wanted me to tease you a bit before I revealed all, but then again, sometimes it is good to just get right to it. Either way, I have to say, I am enjoying this little one sided back and forth if you will. Or not, maybe I'm just deliriously tired and ashamed of some of the things that I am thinking at this particular moment in time.
SO, having said, well, nothing important or of any particular interest, let's move on to something else: medication. Now I have your attention. Since I first posted several months ago about being diagnosed with ADD, many people have asked me about my course of action or, in layman's terms "What drugs did you get?" Pause for reaction... There is a politically correct discussion that looms around the prescription of medication for those who suffer from Attention Deficit issues and, in my case, that are primarily paired with Mood issues/disorders. See, in the course of my research and in continuing to see my therapist (who, incidentally, I LOVE, for a variety of reasons), I have found that there are not only "types" of ADD but levels as well; the symptoms and the treatments are has varied as the patients themselves. At one point, the prescriber wanted me to try Depakote which is actually used in patients who have seizures (this after a long discussion of my migraine headaches and my often severe mood swings), but the more I read up on the side effects and the dosage and my overall "goals" for taking medication in the first place, the more quickly I learned that all Depakote would do, and after taking it twice, was make me feel "nothing." And, my friends, nothing is not something that I want to refer to in terms of how I "feel" about anything. It drugged me. Trite I know, but that is how I felt, like I wasn't emoting at all. Needless to say, two pills in and those went the way of "back to the pharmacy." In conjunction with Depakote, I was and have been taking for almost two months now, wait for it... Adderall. Well, a generic. It's cheaper, but, yes, Adderall, a low dosage, but, let me just say, one that is working the way that she said that it would.
Now, here is where all of the "hacks" and the anti-med people jump on the bandwagon or create a completely valid argument for why I feel "better" when taking amphetamines... just wait a second, OF COUSE I'm going to feel better - they are DRUGS. They are giving me DRUGS... wait, I'm laughing hysterically. Ok, I'm calm now. But, I think if you allow me to pontificate momentarily, I can explain the difference between being "wasted" and being "medicated." Splitting hairs for some of you, but, have you met me, like I give a Rat's ass about splitting hairs. So, back to the drugs, ok MEDS...
I have learned that there are frontloading medications as opposed to a twice daily routine and I prefer the frontloading ones although they are more expensive because this particular one doesn't come in generic form, but it works for me because I only have to take it once a day and by the time that it seems to wear off, I feel like I might be able to fall asleep and, BIG side effect, one that I am not all that happy about is trouble sleeping. This doesn't seem to be the case with the time release meds as much as the twice daily because I felt like they were still working when I went to pass out at 9 or 10; now, I just stay up a little later and that seems to do the trick. But, overall, my body seems to be adjusting. So, I take one pill in the morning after breakfast and, well, there you go, that's it. CURED! Just kidding... that's just the beginning.
If I could describe the feeling, I would simply say, it feels like my brain got plugged in. Like someone literally grabbed a hold of the loose wires in my brain and re-connected them. I do not get hyper or jittery or spastic. I do not mumble incoherently or move faster than a speeding bullet. Instead, it is just the opposite, I feel... calm. Now, when this happened, this feeling, it was immediate and it was on the first day and since then, she has adjusted the dosage a bit so now I feel "just right." Also, my brain seems to work in accordance with the meds now rather than seemingly fighting against them as I have heard some people describe it. I mean, Adderall is Speed. I suppose I could snort Coke and get the same effect but, not having ever used cocaine nor having the financial means to do so and also the fact that it too is a drug, I think I may stick with the prescription for now. I know splitting hairs... fuck you. Anyway, so during the time that my brain is on "drugs," I feel hard wired for peace. I can focus better and longer, but no I am not instantly OFFICE MANAGER supreme; I didn't suddenly gain the ability to become organized and super efficient, BUT the two main keys are these: I can sustain my attention for longer with one particular activity so, by virtue of that, I am able to complete more tasks and, at the same time, to be less distracted and impulsive. In addition, when I don't finish something or I lose something or I am running behind, I am calmer about the end result. I am finding ways to work around the issues as they come up rather than ram through them like the Bulls running in Pamplona... There is an ease that comes over my brain, my being, my self, that makes me not so volatile, so emotional, so quick to act, which is a major factor in ADD. Impulsivity, inability to focus and mood swings/quick to anger/judgment... all factors that have impeded my ability to be successful in many relationships and jobs. People don't understand why I've taken jobs that pay me 10 or 12 dollars an hour because I have a Master's Degree. What they don't understand is, it isn't that I'm not capable of doing any job or going back to school or getting a Ph.d. Of course I am and of course I could, but when you struggle with the follow through, when you battle every single day with the question of "Will I get this done?" or even, "Will I do it right?" it's extremely hard to put yourself in a position where you know that you will fail. I don't mind failing and I have numerous times, but when the pressure is so intense and it resonates from a place where other people are relying on you, well, let's just say that I'd rather have some flexibility and less pressure than money or prestige. I enjoy tasks that have an expiration date and I love being productive. I try very hard to set smaller goals for myself like weeding the garden instead of, this summer I think I'll go to Tanzania... how am I going to save the money. The thing is, I still want to go to Tanzania, that Yvette hasn't changed and I hope to get there, but by saying I'm going to weed the garden and then by getting out there and finishing it for the day, I feel like I can now sit back and work on the bigger task of getting to Tanzania. The medication makes me less willing to go to that dark place of tears and subterfuge that has often derailed my ability to function. I have spent many nights curled up on the kitchen floor sobbing, not understanding why things are the way they are and why I am the way I am. In this respect, Nick and I have a lot in common. He doesn't exhibit these outpourings of emotion, but he often describes it as though he has two brains and he sometimes cannot understand why he does things in a certain way when he would like to do them in another way. I am identical to him in that respect. But overall, the medication is re-connecting the shorted wires.
In conjunction with the meds, I go to therapy regularly and I am exercising again. I miss Bikram and I will get back to it, it is really expensive, but those with attention deficit issues have to do HARD exercise: running, weights, martial arts, yoga... activities that exhaust their bodies and simultaneously help them to focus. When the brain is exhausted and willing, clarity comes and that is when people with ADD are the most productive. I don't really drink alcohol anymore either. I will have a drink now and then; I had one the other night with my friends, but usually I have a drink maybe once every couple of weeks. I also try to sit quietly at the end of the day for a few minutes to think about what could have been done differently that day and then I remind myself not to beat myself up. I try to focus on what I did right because for too long I focused on what I did wrong.
My diet has been better too; another side effect to the meds can be killing of the appetite, but unfortunately for me, that has yet to happen, but I am trying to be more mindful of what I eat and how much water I drink. As a result, my migraines are fewer and further between so I am thankful for that. I guess in the long run, I can say that I don't think I will take medication for ever, but now that I have been officially diagnosed and I have gone through the proper channels, including having a complete physical and an EKG, I can wholeheartedly say that I am relieved to know that there is something there that I can try to manage, with help and that my overall level of empathy for those and with those who have learning differences or challenges has multiplied extensively. I'm an average person who has worked hard to accomplish the goals that I set for myself but I also have a strong support system including friends who don't judge me and my former mistakes. Those who did judge, I kicked to the curb. No time for that nonsense. And for what it's worth, if you struggle with an issue, know that it isn't something that WEB MD is going to provide an answer for nor is the issue going to have one solution. Rather, there will be many components to the solution that require longevity and trial and error and that a huge part of the battle is finding the "right" system of components, including professionals and friends who will be there with you when you turn right on the wrong street and instead of laughing at you, they will shield you from the consequences so that the next time, you will turn the way that you were supposed to. There is nothing wrong with me. I am simply an Yvette with quirks that require some tweaking, not to function mind you, but to be better, for myself, for my children, for my husband and for those who choose to remain in my world and in everything around me.
There is no cure, there are only gradients in the path that we each are on. Lately, mine had been riddles with gravel and I fell often. Now I have a good set of knee pads. And, that has made all the difference... be well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)