My mind is not in the gutter today, unusual to say the least so get yours out of there too. I know it was there the second that you read the title... too easy. I was just sweeping the floor, listening to some random show on Bravo and I was struck with an idea and so here I sit, recording it at lightning speed...
Ty, the 4 year old maniac is so very much like Jake was at that age and one of his idosyncratic behaviors is that he wants either Tim or I to lay with him as he falls asleep. So, after reading him stories, one of us does. Last night, that one of us was me. With Jake, I used to have to close my eyes and pretend to be falling asleep or he would just lay there with his little eyes open like some kind of motion detector, somehow knowing that the second he shifted REM cycles that Tim or I would bolt out of his bedroom. But Ty is different that way; he'll just kind of roll over and go to sleep, not saying anything, maybe even falling asleep while we are reading to him. And, last night he was extremely tired, having come from a late playdate... I finished reading The Rainbow Fish, one of his current favorites and I kissed him goodnight and then, I watched him fall asleep...
Now, if you've ever held a child, most likely a baby as he or she drifts off to sleep and, if you're lucky, you might have been nursing or feeding the baby as this phenomena was happening, then you probably know exactly the feeling that I'm going to attempt to describe. There is something innately satisfying about watching a child, in this case, my child, fall asleep. Warm, cozy, content as his little eyelids kind of fluttered open and then closed, as he reached out his hand to check to see if I was still there and as he clutched "Raff" his stuffed giraffe that he's had since birth, to his head, I watched his face and I smiled. I remembered something that my dad said once about the time in his life when he slept the best was when he knew that the three of us, Rich, Steve and I (pre Christine) were home safe and asleep in our beds. I completely understand that notion now and every night, I go to each room and look at them before I turn in. It's obvious isn't it? Their faces are calm, there is no noise, no drama, no fighting, no fear; just peace. But as I was sweeping today, just now, I was thinking about how much real, genuine pleasure it gave me to watch that little guy drift off to sleep for the night; safe in a bed in a home, without tragedy or trauma, without hardship, poverty or hunger, without the fear of waking up in the morning with no food or water or clothes or parents. It was, really, another huge dose of perspective.
At one time or another, there has been a kid asleep in our bed for a variety of reasons, none of which I have to explain to the various parents out there. And, most of us have dragged that kid back to their own bed, reassuring them and making sure that they once again feel secure before they let you leave the room or, before you can sucessfully sneak out of the room. But the truth is, I will miss the days of rolling over and having a little kid hug me in the middle of the night or of a little voice saying in my ear, as soon as the sun comes up (although that part I probably won't miss), time to get up mom. A few mornings ago, the 4 year old yelled really loudly so loudly in fact that I jumped up into a jacknife position on the bed, "Mommy, Mommy..." "What?" I screamed thinking that there was a problem, "Can we make brownies?" I look over at the clock, it's 5:42 in the morning. "No Ty I don't want to make brownies right now" while the whole time I'm thinking, "What the fuck, brownies?" I flopped back down and told him to go and play with his toys for awhile. Did I just say that I was going to miss having a little voice to wake me up? Yeah I did and yes, I still will miss it.
I watched Nick, the 11 year old recite his John Adams speech at school this week and the pleasure receptors in my brain went into overdrive as he completed the task easily and successfully. He was nervous and his voice wobbled a bit, but he did such a great job that even other parents commented on how well he did. He often rolls his eyes when people praise him for anything so as I videotaped it, I thought of how far he's come in these past few years and my heart kind of overflowed with joy at him having a moment of his own. Hasn't happened a lot for Nick, but the few times that it has have been reminders, much like the leg thrown over my body in the middle of the night, of how much I will miss being a part of their daily lives once they've grown up and gone.
And Jake, how much joy and strife that child has brought to my existence... too much of both to measure in words but I'm sure that there are visible welts on my brain and on my heart from the latter of the two. Regardless, being Jake's mother brings an enormous amount of pleasure to my life. Just watching him interact with people is enough to let me know that he will be just fine in whatever he decides to do, but it also fills me with a kind of warmth and contentment that I can't really attribute to anything other than the pure enjoyment of being able to be a part of someone's life as he begins to make that transition from childhood to adolescence and beyond. For as irritating as he can be, it is a real triumph to see him laugh and smile and get along with people. His presence gives me pleasure and it really is that simple.
I get an absurd amount of happiness just walking somewhere with the three of them or in spending the day with them. Because they are kind of spread out in age, activities that they all enjoy doing are becoming less available, but those times when I find one and we get to participate in it together have been some of the best of my life. Just interacting with them, through the good and the bad gives me more pleasure than I can really describe here in words although I will say that I am curious how all of this is going to pan out. And, frankly I am both frightened and readily anticipating the day when each of them can walk through that door into their own lives, in anticipation of a future that belongs to only them. I am already preparing for it...
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
F*#@ Valentine's Day...
Valentine's Day is for amateurs. All of you lovesick idiots out there who are overspending to justify your meaningless relationships can suck it as far as I'm concerned. Of course I would have expressed that more eloquently, but I'm in a "suck it" kind of mood today so, there you have it. When Tim and I were talking yesterday after he'd gotten home from work, I asked him, as I often do, "Did you think about me today?" And, as usual, he rolls his eyes, but, on occasion, like yesterday, he puts his arms around me, kisses my temple and whispers, "Yes, I did think about you today." It's a setup I can feel it, but I play along because I'm a chick and I'm often desperate, "You did?" I say, the inflection in my voice just high enough to indicate some interest and he says, "Yep, I thought about you naked and bent over something..." Again, too much information for you maybe, for me, an opportunity to laugh with my husband of a zillion years. Hey, if you can't laugh about it after 17 years something's terribly wrong. He was thinking about me at least, but semantically, I think my writing might suggest that he was naked and bent over something while he was thinking about me. And, well, let's just not go there. Too Pulp Fiction for me at 10 in the morning. Although I love that movie...
I've never cared for Valentine's Day with the exception of those very early elementary school years where everyone gave everyone else a card or some candy or a toy and no one was left out. Over the years and through the dating jungle, it seemed like I was either in the midst of a breakup on that fateful day or I had a boyfriend who did the traditional flowers, chocolate, blah, blah, blah. I guess I just don't associate being romantic or overly affectionate with a particular day. It's too contrived, too forced, too fucking stupid. Why do we spend or demand so much of a day that was made up? And why do so many people feel left out or down if they don't have a valentine to share it with? Know what I say? You're better off just pretending the day doesn't exist; no head games, no credit card debt, no flowers that are going to wilt in less than a week. Marriage proposals maybe, I mean, if there is a solid way to express your feelings for someone, it could be asking them to marry you. Then again, these days, that really only guarantees a year, maybe two before your head is turning and you are ready to move on. Just ask Ashlee Simpson or Scarlett Johnannssen. Probably not the best examples, but here's my point, why get married in the first place? Because you are in love and because he gave you a diamond the size of a quarter? Love, really? A reason to get married? Don't get me started...
I think that if you truly want to spend the rest of your life with someone and you are willing to ride that roller coaster every day through the tears and the screaming and the desperation and the absolute hatred that might feel for your significant other and for yourself, then do it. Take the plunge, ask or answer wholeheartedly and best of luck to you. I was terrified to get married; in retrospect, absolutely terrified. The idea of committing to one person for the rest of my life when I didn't really even know what my life was going to be. But I now know that the reason why I was terrified was because I took the commitment to heart and I told myself that it was more than just a label or a wedding or a ring; it was a bond between us that would grow and change and eventually would welcome children if that were to happen. And let's face it, that's big stuff. Of course I believe that people should divorce and that there are not only viable reasons but necessary ones. What I don't believe is that marriage is a mere convenience because you are crazy in love and because you can't stand the thought that he or she might end up with someone else. A relationship that might go the distance is one that is based in reality, not in fantasy and the "love" that you have for that other person is justified and exemplified and displayed through your steadfast pledge to try it all, to try anything that you can to make it work. And yes you get tired of them as they do of you. You get bored with each other; there are moments when you don't recognize them and you have to ask yourself if this is what you really wanted in the first place. And this is maybe where Bill Maher and I might slightly disagree because I do believe that marriage is a sacred bond, a sacrament blessed by God and if that is the case as I believe it to be then I understand, going back, the fear and uncertainty that accompanied the joy and love that I did feel on our wedding day. And almost 18 years later, I still feel it, rather unexpected to say the least...
In light of all the money that is spent on a day like February 14th as well, I suppose some of my disgust comes from the "over" spending. I mean, roses, really? You know what that money could do for other people? I'm tired of hearing people say that they want to change and that they want to help other people and then they walk away with their 5 dollar cup of coffee and they get in their Mercedes and they drive 2 blocks to the dry cleaners and, I just feel sad right now thinking about it. I spend more money than I should, on things that I do not need but I don't make excuses for why I have to have something and especially not on a day that pretends to be a declaration of my husband's love for me. Really, it makes me want to vomit; doesn't make me a better person than you, just gives me a moment to pause and then to write...
For Valentine's Day this year, why don't we make a pledge you and I? On Monday, do something different, something that doesn't involve money or material objects. Do something for someone else that you might have considered doing, but were otherwise too shy or too busy or too whatever you were that kept you from doing it before. And try to remember that moment when you knew or when you felt that way once about someone else; someone who you felt in your heart would always be a part of your life, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in good times and in bad... and if you are alone on that day, I hope that you know that someone is thinking about you and wishing that the other 364 days of the year are filled with meaning and hope and something other than heart shaped boxes of overpriced chocolates...
What did I ask my husband for Valentine's Day you want to know? Or, if you don't, that's okay too. I told him the same thing I tell him every year, I want nothing. The first few years he got me something anyway, not yet knowing if, my being a woman, I really meant what I said or if I meant the opposite of what I was saying. Now he knows better. And, I'm not going to tell you what I asked him for, but just to shake him up a little, I said, "A baby?" He hung up on me. Still maintains a sense of humor after all these years. Maybe some handcuffs... too much information? You asked... V Day, erase it from existence... xoxo
I've never cared for Valentine's Day with the exception of those very early elementary school years where everyone gave everyone else a card or some candy or a toy and no one was left out. Over the years and through the dating jungle, it seemed like I was either in the midst of a breakup on that fateful day or I had a boyfriend who did the traditional flowers, chocolate, blah, blah, blah. I guess I just don't associate being romantic or overly affectionate with a particular day. It's too contrived, too forced, too fucking stupid. Why do we spend or demand so much of a day that was made up? And why do so many people feel left out or down if they don't have a valentine to share it with? Know what I say? You're better off just pretending the day doesn't exist; no head games, no credit card debt, no flowers that are going to wilt in less than a week. Marriage proposals maybe, I mean, if there is a solid way to express your feelings for someone, it could be asking them to marry you. Then again, these days, that really only guarantees a year, maybe two before your head is turning and you are ready to move on. Just ask Ashlee Simpson or Scarlett Johnannssen. Probably not the best examples, but here's my point, why get married in the first place? Because you are in love and because he gave you a diamond the size of a quarter? Love, really? A reason to get married? Don't get me started...
I think that if you truly want to spend the rest of your life with someone and you are willing to ride that roller coaster every day through the tears and the screaming and the desperation and the absolute hatred that might feel for your significant other and for yourself, then do it. Take the plunge, ask or answer wholeheartedly and best of luck to you. I was terrified to get married; in retrospect, absolutely terrified. The idea of committing to one person for the rest of my life when I didn't really even know what my life was going to be. But I now know that the reason why I was terrified was because I took the commitment to heart and I told myself that it was more than just a label or a wedding or a ring; it was a bond between us that would grow and change and eventually would welcome children if that were to happen. And let's face it, that's big stuff. Of course I believe that people should divorce and that there are not only viable reasons but necessary ones. What I don't believe is that marriage is a mere convenience because you are crazy in love and because you can't stand the thought that he or she might end up with someone else. A relationship that might go the distance is one that is based in reality, not in fantasy and the "love" that you have for that other person is justified and exemplified and displayed through your steadfast pledge to try it all, to try anything that you can to make it work. And yes you get tired of them as they do of you. You get bored with each other; there are moments when you don't recognize them and you have to ask yourself if this is what you really wanted in the first place. And this is maybe where Bill Maher and I might slightly disagree because I do believe that marriage is a sacred bond, a sacrament blessed by God and if that is the case as I believe it to be then I understand, going back, the fear and uncertainty that accompanied the joy and love that I did feel on our wedding day. And almost 18 years later, I still feel it, rather unexpected to say the least...
In light of all the money that is spent on a day like February 14th as well, I suppose some of my disgust comes from the "over" spending. I mean, roses, really? You know what that money could do for other people? I'm tired of hearing people say that they want to change and that they want to help other people and then they walk away with their 5 dollar cup of coffee and they get in their Mercedes and they drive 2 blocks to the dry cleaners and, I just feel sad right now thinking about it. I spend more money than I should, on things that I do not need but I don't make excuses for why I have to have something and especially not on a day that pretends to be a declaration of my husband's love for me. Really, it makes me want to vomit; doesn't make me a better person than you, just gives me a moment to pause and then to write...
For Valentine's Day this year, why don't we make a pledge you and I? On Monday, do something different, something that doesn't involve money or material objects. Do something for someone else that you might have considered doing, but were otherwise too shy or too busy or too whatever you were that kept you from doing it before. And try to remember that moment when you knew or when you felt that way once about someone else; someone who you felt in your heart would always be a part of your life, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in good times and in bad... and if you are alone on that day, I hope that you know that someone is thinking about you and wishing that the other 364 days of the year are filled with meaning and hope and something other than heart shaped boxes of overpriced chocolates...
What did I ask my husband for Valentine's Day you want to know? Or, if you don't, that's okay too. I told him the same thing I tell him every year, I want nothing. The first few years he got me something anyway, not yet knowing if, my being a woman, I really meant what I said or if I meant the opposite of what I was saying. Now he knows better. And, I'm not going to tell you what I asked him for, but just to shake him up a little, I said, "A baby?" He hung up on me. Still maintains a sense of humor after all these years. Maybe some handcuffs... too much information? You asked... V Day, erase it from existence... xoxo
Monday, February 7, 2011
Another story...
Simon's mother was baking bread in the kitchen when he walked in and stood by her side,
"Mother?"
She looked down at her small son, only 6 on his last birthday,
"Yes dear?"
Simon lowered his eyes to the floor for a quick second, thinking that his mother was going to say no to his request, as she had every time he'd asked throughout the last year,
He lifted his chin back up carefully sizing up at her face, blinking his eyes twice,
"Mother, may I cross the fields to Aaron's house?"
His mother knew what he was going to ask before he'd asked it, but she waited, plunking her hands on her soft hips, sighing deeply as she considered his face. She'd never taken this long to answer before Simon thought, but that didn't mean anything. He waited as long as his patience could hold out, another thirty seconds before he said softly,
"Mother?"
She knelt down then and brushed a piece of his coal black hair aside, smiling gently into his rich blue eyes; the only one of her children to have blue eyes,
"Simon" she began, taking his hands in hers, "There is something that I need to tell you before you go." He thought that he hadn't heard her correctly, that maybe she had meant to use different words, but he saw the look in her eyes and he realized that he had indeed heard her correctly and he couldn't stop the grin that spread widely across his face.
Simon took long, deep breaths as he trod slowly through the tall grass on his way to the gate that opened onto the fields of green. His mother watched through the window, letting the tear roll down her cheek, reluctant to wipe it away. She watched him until he passed through the gate, until his small hand slipped the rod back into the lock, until he passed through the blades of green and she could no longer see him. And then, she wept...
The blue of the sky and the sounds of the tall grass whispering in the soft breeze rivaled the words that swirled through Simon's mind as he meandered along the dirt. He trailed his fingers through the still wet stalks and blades on either side of him and he ducked his head when the warm air bent the green arms toward his face. He did not know how long it would take him to traverse the fields, but because it was the first time, he tried very hard to take his time and to take it all in.
"Simon" his mother said carefully, "There is something that you need to know about the fields and why I haven't let you go before now"
Simon listened rapt with attention.
Her voice was full of concern then and he noticed how she half whispered, her eyes growing wider as she spoke and as she touched his face gently, "In the fields lives something that I have been able to protect you from; that we all have tried to protect children from" she paused, "But I also knew that there would come a day when your curiosity and courage would supercede my ability to protect you."
Here Simon looked confused, "Protect me mother?" He almost laughed at that idea. Protect him? And he didn't know what supercede meant but he felt it best not to ask just then.
"Yes dear"
"What is it that lives there mother? What is it that you don't want me to face?"
She smiled sadly he thought just then as she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into her chest, almost too tightly and the word she mumbled into his ear wasn't one that he'd heard before and it held no meaning for him at all,
"Fear" she whispered and held him just a bit tighter.
Simon continued to push aside the reeds and blades as they grew stronger and thicker and he listened to the sounds of the fields as he heard his mother's voice in his head,
"There is a moment in every child's life when he must meet fear head on. Maybe I've waited too long" the self doubt in her voice caused her to bow her head temporarily, "But Simon, I know that you are ready and I know" she lifted her gaze to meet his, "that you will not succumb to it; you are full of courage and strength and I have faith that you will emerge from the fields not having met fear at all"
She'd wrapped him up in her arms again and kissed him quickly on the cheek before standing,
"Go on then, make haste and when you are ready to return, come home quickly." He'd made his way to the door and as he placed his small hand on the knob, he'd turned once more,
"Mother?"
"Yes Simon?"
"What is fear?"
She half smiled, "It's different for everyone son and it takes many forms. Be diligent and steadfast in your journey."
He took a deep breath and then, he went through the door.
The grass blades were rougher in the center of the field and Simon had to put up his hands to keep them from cutting his face. He moved slowly and he tried to take small steps so as not to harm the blades. A few yards through the middle and he felt a cold rush cross his ankles. He hesitated, wondering what the cold was. When he couldn't figure out where it was coming from, he forged on. He began to hum the country tune that his mother liked to sing whenever she was washing the dishes. A few more yards and he felt the cold again, only this time, it moved fiercely over his ankles and his legs and this time, it gave him pause. He held very still as he felt the air ripple across his skin. His heart began to race, a feeling that he was unused to. He thought it best to wait until the feeling passed, but strangely, it didn't. Instead, the feeling made him want to move more quickly, faster through the grass. Simon did not give into this impulse at first. He heard his mother telling him to use courage and diligence and so he continued on through the green, pushing the blades aside, letting the cold continue its journey across his body. The more he moved, the slower the racing of his heart until it began to beat normally again.
A few minutes later and the cold had passed. Simon began to hum again, starting to imagine all of the things that he and Aaron would be able to do before he had to return home. Another few steps and then another and then... he heard the whisper,
"Siimmon." He paused and looked over his left shoulder, from where he thought he heard the sound of his name. He hesitated, ears perked, waiting, but then, nothing. He furrowed his brows and kept on. Another five yards and he heard it again, louder this time, "Siimmon." This time, he felt his heart instantly begin to race, much like it did when the cold air kissed his ankles earlier. But Simon did not look over his shoulder again, he did not wait for the sound of his name before feeling the one word that echoed through his mind and then his body and down into his feet; he just did as he heard, "Run..."
His arms pumping, his fists clenched and his breath coming in short, fast gasps, he thought he heard his name again but he wasn't sure as his heart was now thumping so loudly that he thought it might burst out of his chest. He tried to swing at the tall grass as he forced his way through, wondering where Aaron's house was and how much longer it would take him to get there when an image passed through his mind. In the midst of his panic, of his deliberate attempt to get away from something, he saw his mother, standing at the kitchen sink, drying the dishes and there was Simon, three years old, sitting by her leg, playing with his toy fire truck, making siren noises while his mother laughed her throaty chuckle and even as he ran, even as he felt himself reaching for escape, it was this image that calmed him, that slowed his heartbeat, that chased away the whisper and the cold in the grass. He remembered how his mother had told him a joke, although he couldn't remember exactly what she'd said and he also remembered liking that she laughed even when he hadn't. And, as each detail came into focus, he found himself slowing down, his arms gradually coming to rest at his sides and his legs beginning to just walk once again. He closed his eyes for a few seconds as he walked and he could almost smell the cherry pie that was baking in the oven that day and how Maggie had come into the kitchen with paint on her hands and on her dress, cheerfully asking when the "Chewwy pie" would be "weady?" When Simon opened his eyes once more, something stopped his legs, held them in place, kept them from moving forward. It paralyzed him and made him want to turn around and run back home as quickly as he possibly could... but, he didn't. He looked straight ahead and sighed, realizing, in that moment what his mother had been trying to show him all along and how profound a lesson it really was.
He gazed out and saw the very pinnacle of Aaron's roof, but still he stood there, listening to the stillness, thinking about his journey, wondering if each of his siblings, each of his friends had come to the same realization that he had; he wondered if some never came to it. He sighed then and began the last leg of his journey, smiling to himself. Yes mother he thought, I love you too...
I was thinking today about hardship and pain and how when we are faced with emotions or situations that are so painful that we often feel as though we cannot see our way past them, that it might only take something as simple as a memory or a significant person with whom we share a bond or a lesson that was profound, learned by us as a child, that brings us back to ourselves. Some people never get there; it isn't possible to heal when the pain is too great. I don't know, I guess, for me, Simon embodies all that is beautiful about the balance in life; for every good, there is a bad and for many of our ailments, love is the cure. Letting someone or having someone love you back to yourself or back to a sense of wholeness. There is a lot to be said for that kind of healing. Maybe life is one big field, with tall blades of grass and a trip to our best friend's house; we just have to make the journey...
"Mother?"
She looked down at her small son, only 6 on his last birthday,
"Yes dear?"
Simon lowered his eyes to the floor for a quick second, thinking that his mother was going to say no to his request, as she had every time he'd asked throughout the last year,
He lifted his chin back up carefully sizing up at her face, blinking his eyes twice,
"Mother, may I cross the fields to Aaron's house?"
His mother knew what he was going to ask before he'd asked it, but she waited, plunking her hands on her soft hips, sighing deeply as she considered his face. She'd never taken this long to answer before Simon thought, but that didn't mean anything. He waited as long as his patience could hold out, another thirty seconds before he said softly,
"Mother?"
She knelt down then and brushed a piece of his coal black hair aside, smiling gently into his rich blue eyes; the only one of her children to have blue eyes,
"Simon" she began, taking his hands in hers, "There is something that I need to tell you before you go." He thought that he hadn't heard her correctly, that maybe she had meant to use different words, but he saw the look in her eyes and he realized that he had indeed heard her correctly and he couldn't stop the grin that spread widely across his face.
Simon took long, deep breaths as he trod slowly through the tall grass on his way to the gate that opened onto the fields of green. His mother watched through the window, letting the tear roll down her cheek, reluctant to wipe it away. She watched him until he passed through the gate, until his small hand slipped the rod back into the lock, until he passed through the blades of green and she could no longer see him. And then, she wept...
The blue of the sky and the sounds of the tall grass whispering in the soft breeze rivaled the words that swirled through Simon's mind as he meandered along the dirt. He trailed his fingers through the still wet stalks and blades on either side of him and he ducked his head when the warm air bent the green arms toward his face. He did not know how long it would take him to traverse the fields, but because it was the first time, he tried very hard to take his time and to take it all in.
"Simon" his mother said carefully, "There is something that you need to know about the fields and why I haven't let you go before now"
Simon listened rapt with attention.
Her voice was full of concern then and he noticed how she half whispered, her eyes growing wider as she spoke and as she touched his face gently, "In the fields lives something that I have been able to protect you from; that we all have tried to protect children from" she paused, "But I also knew that there would come a day when your curiosity and courage would supercede my ability to protect you."
Here Simon looked confused, "Protect me mother?" He almost laughed at that idea. Protect him? And he didn't know what supercede meant but he felt it best not to ask just then.
"Yes dear"
"What is it that lives there mother? What is it that you don't want me to face?"
She smiled sadly he thought just then as she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into her chest, almost too tightly and the word she mumbled into his ear wasn't one that he'd heard before and it held no meaning for him at all,
"Fear" she whispered and held him just a bit tighter.
Simon continued to push aside the reeds and blades as they grew stronger and thicker and he listened to the sounds of the fields as he heard his mother's voice in his head,
"There is a moment in every child's life when he must meet fear head on. Maybe I've waited too long" the self doubt in her voice caused her to bow her head temporarily, "But Simon, I know that you are ready and I know" she lifted her gaze to meet his, "that you will not succumb to it; you are full of courage and strength and I have faith that you will emerge from the fields not having met fear at all"
She'd wrapped him up in her arms again and kissed him quickly on the cheek before standing,
"Go on then, make haste and when you are ready to return, come home quickly." He'd made his way to the door and as he placed his small hand on the knob, he'd turned once more,
"Mother?"
"Yes Simon?"
"What is fear?"
She half smiled, "It's different for everyone son and it takes many forms. Be diligent and steadfast in your journey."
He took a deep breath and then, he went through the door.
The grass blades were rougher in the center of the field and Simon had to put up his hands to keep them from cutting his face. He moved slowly and he tried to take small steps so as not to harm the blades. A few yards through the middle and he felt a cold rush cross his ankles. He hesitated, wondering what the cold was. When he couldn't figure out where it was coming from, he forged on. He began to hum the country tune that his mother liked to sing whenever she was washing the dishes. A few more yards and he felt the cold again, only this time, it moved fiercely over his ankles and his legs and this time, it gave him pause. He held very still as he felt the air ripple across his skin. His heart began to race, a feeling that he was unused to. He thought it best to wait until the feeling passed, but strangely, it didn't. Instead, the feeling made him want to move more quickly, faster through the grass. Simon did not give into this impulse at first. He heard his mother telling him to use courage and diligence and so he continued on through the green, pushing the blades aside, letting the cold continue its journey across his body. The more he moved, the slower the racing of his heart until it began to beat normally again.
A few minutes later and the cold had passed. Simon began to hum again, starting to imagine all of the things that he and Aaron would be able to do before he had to return home. Another few steps and then another and then... he heard the whisper,
"Siimmon." He paused and looked over his left shoulder, from where he thought he heard the sound of his name. He hesitated, ears perked, waiting, but then, nothing. He furrowed his brows and kept on. Another five yards and he heard it again, louder this time, "Siimmon." This time, he felt his heart instantly begin to race, much like it did when the cold air kissed his ankles earlier. But Simon did not look over his shoulder again, he did not wait for the sound of his name before feeling the one word that echoed through his mind and then his body and down into his feet; he just did as he heard, "Run..."
His arms pumping, his fists clenched and his breath coming in short, fast gasps, he thought he heard his name again but he wasn't sure as his heart was now thumping so loudly that he thought it might burst out of his chest. He tried to swing at the tall grass as he forced his way through, wondering where Aaron's house was and how much longer it would take him to get there when an image passed through his mind. In the midst of his panic, of his deliberate attempt to get away from something, he saw his mother, standing at the kitchen sink, drying the dishes and there was Simon, three years old, sitting by her leg, playing with his toy fire truck, making siren noises while his mother laughed her throaty chuckle and even as he ran, even as he felt himself reaching for escape, it was this image that calmed him, that slowed his heartbeat, that chased away the whisper and the cold in the grass. He remembered how his mother had told him a joke, although he couldn't remember exactly what she'd said and he also remembered liking that she laughed even when he hadn't. And, as each detail came into focus, he found himself slowing down, his arms gradually coming to rest at his sides and his legs beginning to just walk once again. He closed his eyes for a few seconds as he walked and he could almost smell the cherry pie that was baking in the oven that day and how Maggie had come into the kitchen with paint on her hands and on her dress, cheerfully asking when the "Chewwy pie" would be "weady?" When Simon opened his eyes once more, something stopped his legs, held them in place, kept them from moving forward. It paralyzed him and made him want to turn around and run back home as quickly as he possibly could... but, he didn't. He looked straight ahead and sighed, realizing, in that moment what his mother had been trying to show him all along and how profound a lesson it really was.
He gazed out and saw the very pinnacle of Aaron's roof, but still he stood there, listening to the stillness, thinking about his journey, wondering if each of his siblings, each of his friends had come to the same realization that he had; he wondered if some never came to it. He sighed then and began the last leg of his journey, smiling to himself. Yes mother he thought, I love you too...
I was thinking today about hardship and pain and how when we are faced with emotions or situations that are so painful that we often feel as though we cannot see our way past them, that it might only take something as simple as a memory or a significant person with whom we share a bond or a lesson that was profound, learned by us as a child, that brings us back to ourselves. Some people never get there; it isn't possible to heal when the pain is too great. I don't know, I guess, for me, Simon embodies all that is beautiful about the balance in life; for every good, there is a bad and for many of our ailments, love is the cure. Letting someone or having someone love you back to yourself or back to a sense of wholeness. There is a lot to be said for that kind of healing. Maybe life is one big field, with tall blades of grass and a trip to our best friend's house; we just have to make the journey...
Friday, February 4, 2011
Politically Correct?
I was thinking today about the notion of being politically correct for the purpose of protecting a job or a family or a way of life and I tried very hard to see the point of tempering your thoughts and speeches and in this case, your writing because there is a very good chance that someone who may play a significant role in your future might read it and then...disaster. So, I sat and revisited some of the topics that I've "discussed" here over the past ten months and I realized something that I probably already knew. When you make a decision to put yourself out into the "public" or into the open, that it is only fair that you do it one hundred percent and that there is no hiding of the private parts behind sheets or demi-bras or robes. If you are going to expose yourself, hell, I say do it without fear of consequence or repercussion or regret; do it without worrying that the "someone" who may fire you from your next job is listening, or, in this case, reading what you think...
44 million adults are illiterate in this country and that number summarizes just those who are documented as such. Twenty percent of all adults in this country cannot read above a fifth grade reading level. For you Math whizzes out there, that is 1 in 5 or 20 of every hundred people out there. Those numbers, which some of you find unimportant or irrelevant are, frankly, staggering and frightening. Most standard high school exit exams which give subject area tests in English are measured at a median tenth grade reading level or close to it. You look at the figures, how many of those students are not going to pass that exam or, on the off chance that they do, how many of them will end up as functionally literate adults? And, really, what does that mean to be functionally literate anyway? Is that the same as obese as opposed to morbidly obese? I never fully understood the need for a morbid prior to the word obese; you either are or you aren't. Literacy on the other hand; there is a need to delineate the differences here and for reasons beyond just "who can read" and "who cannot."
My sister did remind me that students, my students might read this and it gave me pause for a moment; that is true and not only is it true, but my bosses, my colleagues, my neighbors, anyone who may have been told about it or who accidentally stumbles across this page might read it. But using my "naked" analogy, I cannot care or think about that if I am going to put my thoughts out there in the first place; that would be like posing for Playboy and then trying to pretend that I didn't. Either that or going store to store and buying every copy off the shelves before people have the chance to read them. I say, if you're going to do something, go big, do it whole, do it all, do it like you might not be around tomorrow at all to regret having done it in the first place. Live large, out loud, laugh at yourself and at other people, weep for the starving children and the lack of funding for programs that are continuously being cut. Don't let a teacher tell you what is best for your child especially if you think he/she is an imbecile; especially not then. Listen to your heart and act accordingly and, if someone doesn't hire me based on something that I've said that I BELIEVE in the first place, then I don't care. I'd rather do a job that I hated for the rest of my life than compromise the one thing that I will always have and that is the very soul of what you are reading; my thoughts. The only reason that I'm letting you read them is because I think that there are a lot more of you out there than you let on who are nodding your heads or laughing along with me or who desperately want someone else to recognize that there is more to life than "playing along." To you especially I will say your day will come; I just hope that you recognize it when it does and that you take full advantage of it in whatever shape or form serves your purpose.
Sometimes I cannot believe that "they" let me teach other human beings; I mean, you've read some of the things that I've written. Me? I teach other people how to... this or that and I have a forum for sharing my ideas and thoughts on those "how to" things that may or may not help to define someones life? Scary right? You are nodding now. I am the Bill Maher of the public school system? No, sorry to disappoint you, but I am a professional. Ask anyone. However, if you ask me a question, I will answer it honestly and to the best of my ability so fire away and, just be prepared for my response. Let me give you an example; the absolute pent up frustration that I've been feeling for many reasons. Again, talking with my girlfriends lately the conversations always seems to come back to sex which is great fun to discuss and to laugh about. But, again, if you've been reading, my sex drive and Tim's are apparently not quite compatible right now and I was getting tired of chasing him around the house. And because he is a man, I figured, no games, no flirting, no coy "suggesting" what I want. I just flat out told him which incidentally I have been doing, but to no avail. This time was different though and he must have heard the desperation in my voice. I called him on the phone when he was on his way home from work and I spelled it out for him and he laughed, but I sensed a change this time and when he got home... Hey it's one thing to be politically correct but it's quite another to share explicit details of my sex life and some of you are wincing right now anyway. Well, only those of you who've seen me. The rest of you can imagine whatever the hell you want, but let me just say one thing; I remember why I married that man in the first place and last night was the deepest, longest (get your minds out of the gutter) sleep that I've had in months; tension relieved... He was just reading over my shoulder this second and smirking right before he walked to the door to go out to dinner and I gave him the look, you know the look; no words necessary. And, like a true husband or, at least my very overworked and tired husband, he rolled his eyes and sighed, "Again? Yvette really?" It's only 7":30, I'll let you know how it turns out...
So, political correctness; I suppose it's fine in the PTA meetings, but not if you want to get anything accomplished. And, I suppose it's fine in the workplace if you don't mind lying to your asshole boss every day just to save your job; then again, in this economy, desperate measures are often required. And in your relationships, being PC doesn't mean anything other than trying not to hurt someone Else's feelings. But is that always the best course of action anyway? I fuck up all the time thinking that I'm trying to help someone out and I just end up making the situation worse. Or when I'm completely honest with someone because it is what's best for me, sometimes I don't stop to consider that it might not be what's best for them or for our relationship and, needless to say, this is a problem. Hi I'm Yvette and I have a word problem, not the math kind...
I like people very much, all kinds of people, politically correct or not. I like to think that there are ideas floating around in their minds that they will never share with me and also, the exact opposite; that maybe they might share their deepest, darkest secrets with me just because they can. I wish I had something juicy to share with you about my life, but, as you well know, my life is an open book and the pages are just not that singed around the edges. I'm vanilla compared to some of my friends and yet, you still want to know what I'm thinking; or maybe you don't and you just don't have anything better to do on a Friday night than to read this pathetic discourse which really, by definition, isn't a discourse. So, here's my last bit of advice, well, I didn't really give any tonight, so here's some that might help, just for tonight and, for the morons out there, pick and choose from the numbers. Don't do all of them tonight or in the numerical order. That should go without saying, but I know there are several idiots out there so that is for you:
1. Watch the movie, How To Train Your Dragon keep Kleenex close by
2. Make a really strong margarita on the rocks; use Patron and two limes, with salt on the rim
3. Put on something sexy underneath what you are wearing and boys, not a condom under the pants. This one is mostly for the ladies.
4. Describe to your significant other exactly what you want them to do to you in specific detail and forget about the romantic notions for now. Trust me on this one.
5. Eat any flavor of Haagen Dazs ice cream and eat the whole damn pint; peanut butter and chocolate is my favorite, almost orgasmic that one.
6. Read anything by James Patterson; easy, quick and you will at least be reading.
7. Phone a friend...
8. Go for a run...
That's what I'm going to do right now and then, I'm going to wait to pounce on the husband when he gets home. I know, you wish I had left that out, but that would defeat the very purpose of what I was saying in the first place. Political correctness is not my mistress nor will she ever be. Sorry Tim, all he saw was the word mistress. Happy Friday night...
44 million adults are illiterate in this country and that number summarizes just those who are documented as such. Twenty percent of all adults in this country cannot read above a fifth grade reading level. For you Math whizzes out there, that is 1 in 5 or 20 of every hundred people out there. Those numbers, which some of you find unimportant or irrelevant are, frankly, staggering and frightening. Most standard high school exit exams which give subject area tests in English are measured at a median tenth grade reading level or close to it. You look at the figures, how many of those students are not going to pass that exam or, on the off chance that they do, how many of them will end up as functionally literate adults? And, really, what does that mean to be functionally literate anyway? Is that the same as obese as opposed to morbidly obese? I never fully understood the need for a morbid prior to the word obese; you either are or you aren't. Literacy on the other hand; there is a need to delineate the differences here and for reasons beyond just "who can read" and "who cannot."
My sister did remind me that students, my students might read this and it gave me pause for a moment; that is true and not only is it true, but my bosses, my colleagues, my neighbors, anyone who may have been told about it or who accidentally stumbles across this page might read it. But using my "naked" analogy, I cannot care or think about that if I am going to put my thoughts out there in the first place; that would be like posing for Playboy and then trying to pretend that I didn't. Either that or going store to store and buying every copy off the shelves before people have the chance to read them. I say, if you're going to do something, go big, do it whole, do it all, do it like you might not be around tomorrow at all to regret having done it in the first place. Live large, out loud, laugh at yourself and at other people, weep for the starving children and the lack of funding for programs that are continuously being cut. Don't let a teacher tell you what is best for your child especially if you think he/she is an imbecile; especially not then. Listen to your heart and act accordingly and, if someone doesn't hire me based on something that I've said that I BELIEVE in the first place, then I don't care. I'd rather do a job that I hated for the rest of my life than compromise the one thing that I will always have and that is the very soul of what you are reading; my thoughts. The only reason that I'm letting you read them is because I think that there are a lot more of you out there than you let on who are nodding your heads or laughing along with me or who desperately want someone else to recognize that there is more to life than "playing along." To you especially I will say your day will come; I just hope that you recognize it when it does and that you take full advantage of it in whatever shape or form serves your purpose.
Sometimes I cannot believe that "they" let me teach other human beings; I mean, you've read some of the things that I've written. Me? I teach other people how to... this or that and I have a forum for sharing my ideas and thoughts on those "how to" things that may or may not help to define someones life? Scary right? You are nodding now. I am the Bill Maher of the public school system? No, sorry to disappoint you, but I am a professional. Ask anyone. However, if you ask me a question, I will answer it honestly and to the best of my ability so fire away and, just be prepared for my response. Let me give you an example; the absolute pent up frustration that I've been feeling for many reasons. Again, talking with my girlfriends lately the conversations always seems to come back to sex which is great fun to discuss and to laugh about. But, again, if you've been reading, my sex drive and Tim's are apparently not quite compatible right now and I was getting tired of chasing him around the house. And because he is a man, I figured, no games, no flirting, no coy "suggesting" what I want. I just flat out told him which incidentally I have been doing, but to no avail. This time was different though and he must have heard the desperation in my voice. I called him on the phone when he was on his way home from work and I spelled it out for him and he laughed, but I sensed a change this time and when he got home... Hey it's one thing to be politically correct but it's quite another to share explicit details of my sex life and some of you are wincing right now anyway. Well, only those of you who've seen me. The rest of you can imagine whatever the hell you want, but let me just say one thing; I remember why I married that man in the first place and last night was the deepest, longest (get your minds out of the gutter) sleep that I've had in months; tension relieved... He was just reading over my shoulder this second and smirking right before he walked to the door to go out to dinner and I gave him the look, you know the look; no words necessary. And, like a true husband or, at least my very overworked and tired husband, he rolled his eyes and sighed, "Again? Yvette really?" It's only 7":30, I'll let you know how it turns out...
So, political correctness; I suppose it's fine in the PTA meetings, but not if you want to get anything accomplished. And, I suppose it's fine in the workplace if you don't mind lying to your asshole boss every day just to save your job; then again, in this economy, desperate measures are often required. And in your relationships, being PC doesn't mean anything other than trying not to hurt someone Else's feelings. But is that always the best course of action anyway? I fuck up all the time thinking that I'm trying to help someone out and I just end up making the situation worse. Or when I'm completely honest with someone because it is what's best for me, sometimes I don't stop to consider that it might not be what's best for them or for our relationship and, needless to say, this is a problem. Hi I'm Yvette and I have a word problem, not the math kind...
I like people very much, all kinds of people, politically correct or not. I like to think that there are ideas floating around in their minds that they will never share with me and also, the exact opposite; that maybe they might share their deepest, darkest secrets with me just because they can. I wish I had something juicy to share with you about my life, but, as you well know, my life is an open book and the pages are just not that singed around the edges. I'm vanilla compared to some of my friends and yet, you still want to know what I'm thinking; or maybe you don't and you just don't have anything better to do on a Friday night than to read this pathetic discourse which really, by definition, isn't a discourse. So, here's my last bit of advice, well, I didn't really give any tonight, so here's some that might help, just for tonight and, for the morons out there, pick and choose from the numbers. Don't do all of them tonight or in the numerical order. That should go without saying, but I know there are several idiots out there so that is for you:
1. Watch the movie, How To Train Your Dragon keep Kleenex close by
2. Make a really strong margarita on the rocks; use Patron and two limes, with salt on the rim
3. Put on something sexy underneath what you are wearing and boys, not a condom under the pants. This one is mostly for the ladies.
4. Describe to your significant other exactly what you want them to do to you in specific detail and forget about the romantic notions for now. Trust me on this one.
5. Eat any flavor of Haagen Dazs ice cream and eat the whole damn pint; peanut butter and chocolate is my favorite, almost orgasmic that one.
6. Read anything by James Patterson; easy, quick and you will at least be reading.
7. Phone a friend...
8. Go for a run...
That's what I'm going to do right now and then, I'm going to wait to pounce on the husband when he gets home. I know, you wish I had left that out, but that would defeat the very purpose of what I was saying in the first place. Political correctness is not my mistress nor will she ever be. Sorry Tim, all he saw was the word mistress. Happy Friday night...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
This one wrote itself... I just listened.
Once upon a time three friends: truth, love and integrity, set out on a journey. But, as they stood together, poised to go in the same direction, truth looked at the other two and asked, "Wouldn't it be more productive if we each took different paths?" Love looked at Integrity and shrugged while Integrity pondered this notion for a moment, "Hmmm, I think you may have something there. Why don't we each travel North, on separate paths, and in one year, we will meet back here to share what we've learned." Love smiled and embraced his friends, "I wish each of you a safe trip." Truth leaned on Integrity as Integrity smiled at Love, "I will see you both soon." And off they went, each on his own path...
It was a tempestuous year, one filled with extraordinary hardships and ecstatic joys in human life on the planet. The changing of leadership in many countries, uprisings in others, significant athletic contests, births of babies, deaths of civic figures, religious upheaval...
On the 365th day, it being a Sunday, Love was the first to emerge from his path and to arrive at the preordained meeting spot. Waiting patiently for his comrades, he stared up at the sky, considering all that had passed since he'd last seen his friends. He heard a shuffling behind him. As he lowered his eyes and turned back, Truth emerged through a cloud of dust, but before he could say anything, Integrity suddenly appeared to his left and in but ten seconds, they stood together once more, as if no time had passed at all. "My friends" Love said warmly, "It has been too long." He moved to embrace them, but, noticed that Truth rebuffed his gesture of friendship, staying his hand. Confused, Love furrowed his brows, but, choosing not to challenge his friend, he let it pass and turned instead to Integrity, extending his hand, which his brother took, shaking it, but not smiling. Neither of them spoke until Love asked, "And so, how was the year?" Truth looked at Integrity and then back at Love, "Let us sit down for the telling?" He chose a boulder on which to rest, his friends taking the cue and sitting across from him. "Well," Truth sighed, "I would like to tell my tale first if that is alright." The other two nodded in agreement and listened as Truth began his tale...
"I found myself in many places this past year with people from every corner of the Earth, and I was moved by what I saw and by what I heard," he paused here as if unsure how to formally begin. He sighed, looking carefully at his friends before continuing, "I found myself in places where I did not expect to be and I could not find myself at all in places where I thought I would be embraced." Love noticed the sadness with which he spoke just then. Truth continued, "I was infectious in classrooms and in homes with small children," he smiled, "Where there were authority figures who insisted on having me present in the lives of the young and they often rewarded the children for bringing me out, for welcoming me into their lives." Here, Integrity nodded, "I was everywhere in courtrooms and confessionals, in the thoughts of people who value you" he pointed to Integrity then and Love laughed, "I was less present in government and business than I hoped to be and I was scarce in places where greed and selfishness thrive." Truth took a deep breath and this time when he looked up, there was real sadness in his face, "I was but fragments in the lives of most adults and so often, I was covered up and even drowning in halves and white lies, stories that would assuage or placate those who did not want nor who could handle my presence. Some thought me like a pestilence and some thought that I didn't exist at all." Integrity got up then and went to sit by his friend as Truth began to weep, "There, there my brother," He paused, "Our journeys sound so similar." Truth stared up at him while Integrity nodded, "Yes, I too am found in places where one would not always think to look and I was surprised at how many people who suffer and who have very little embrace me the most, who hold me closest to their hearts when they are starving and dying and as they watch their children pay the price of insolence and rampant greed. There are so few people in the world today who value me anymore. Rather, they see me as outdated, overused and even unnecessary. I am but an afterthought for many people." Integrity waited while Truth composed himself and then he half smiled, "But in those people who embrace you, they embrace me as well" Truth looked at his friend and the light began to come back into his eyes, "For in those who value me, they honor you and there are many" Truth did smile then, "Yes, I can see that; I did see that. I just wish that there had been more, not less." Integrity looked off into the distance, "Yes, it seems as though those who have lost faith in others, those who have lost faith in what is possible; they are the ones who do not value either of us because they are struggling to exist, to survive even." Truth added, "And I suppose that we are both profuse in the young because they have not yet learned that there is a choice and that by choosing to have us present that it makes them stronger, to fight and to live..." The young breathe Truth and Integrity, just as they embrace Love: freely, without censure or tethers.
Now Love had remained silent throughout their discussion and their recollections of their journeys; they had almost forgotten that he was there. As their conversation waned, Truth looked at him, "I am sorry dear friend, we are not excluding you on purpose, please tell us your tale." Love smiled warmly as he was wont to do most often and he looked at the faces of his brothers, of those with whom he often resides in all throughout the world, but his face became twisted then and filled with pain. "Brother" Integrity got up from the boulder next to Truth as he moved over to embrace Love, "What is it?" Love was clearly suffering at the thought of what he would tell, but he took a deep breath and told it anyway...
"And so I am everywhere, in small animals and in children, in homes and cathedrals, in marriages and in friendships," Truth looked at Integrity wondering why Love sounded so forlorn as the tale that he conveyed was one of universal existence and rather pleasant at that. They both waited until Love continued, "I was visiting a small town halfway through my journey" he said brokenly "and it was here that I learned that even those who embrace me, who long for me, who look for me their whole lives; it is these same people who abuse me and who use my very existence to harm other people. For in claiming my presence, in naming me as their reason for being there, people often, in so many ways, turn violent and selfish and to use your word Truth, greedy with their feelings and their belongings and even with their power over others." He hesitated, "It was when he struck her across the face and then told her that he did it because of me, because I was there; I thought, I felt..." here he stopped and put his face in his hands, but he kept on, "There are countries where thousands, millions claim it is me who motivates their wars, my presence in their places of worship or for their dictators or for the money that drives their economy. There are women who touch their stomachs, weeping, claiming my presence right before they terminate a pregnancy. There are adults who abuse small children, children whose faces turn to them as they bask in the light of my existence and as hands strike their faces, the adults tell them they do this because I am there, because of what I am and how I am. There are people who take their own lives and say that they do it because I am no longer present in their lives, because they cannot feel me there..." Love stopped then, the sadness enveloping him and overtaking his ability to continue. Truth nodded in agreement, "Yes my friend, your journey has been a difficult one. It is harder to see the goodness in who we are and what we do than it is to see how they often twist what we are in order to justify their own end..."
Integrity stood then and reached out his hand for Truth. Truth then reached out his hand for Love. Amidst the tears and the sadness, the triumvirate held one another tightly as Truth spoke, "And so we see where the work is to be done and as much as they need us, they also turn from us, ironically when they need us the most. But we will continue to make our presence known so that they can move forward and rebuild and thrive. But most of all, we will stay the course because they want us to; deep down they desire our existence, they just don't always know it." Integrity and Love smiled at their friend's eloquence and as the bond between them strengthened, they saw the faint light that was left of that day disappear over the horizon. Integrity shivered, "And so the battle continues. Let us move on together in the hope that we will one day conquer our enemies and create a place of compassion for all of them." Love looked up at the last of the sunlight, "They were there you know," he glanced at his brothers who nodded in agreement, "Yes, I found them present as well" Integrity bowed his head, "Yes, but not always as strong I found." Truth replied,
"Yes, but look at the history, for as long as there have been people, they have existed and for me, to me, they seem to grow stronger, especially in this age." Love added, "Yes, and where we are weakest and the least present, they are the most rampant." Integrity whispered, "Deceit, Hatred, Corruption" and he shuddered. "As long as people embrace us, they will have nothing to fear" Truth said, "Come, let us plan a new course for tomorrow." Integrity looked at Love, "Yes, as long as they embrace us" We shall see...
And so, the trio of friends set out once more, unsure as to what they would find on their continued travels, but hoping once again, that they would see bits of themselves in the lives of those who roam the earth; of those who wish to inherit it...
The End
It was a tempestuous year, one filled with extraordinary hardships and ecstatic joys in human life on the planet. The changing of leadership in many countries, uprisings in others, significant athletic contests, births of babies, deaths of civic figures, religious upheaval...
On the 365th day, it being a Sunday, Love was the first to emerge from his path and to arrive at the preordained meeting spot. Waiting patiently for his comrades, he stared up at the sky, considering all that had passed since he'd last seen his friends. He heard a shuffling behind him. As he lowered his eyes and turned back, Truth emerged through a cloud of dust, but before he could say anything, Integrity suddenly appeared to his left and in but ten seconds, they stood together once more, as if no time had passed at all. "My friends" Love said warmly, "It has been too long." He moved to embrace them, but, noticed that Truth rebuffed his gesture of friendship, staying his hand. Confused, Love furrowed his brows, but, choosing not to challenge his friend, he let it pass and turned instead to Integrity, extending his hand, which his brother took, shaking it, but not smiling. Neither of them spoke until Love asked, "And so, how was the year?" Truth looked at Integrity and then back at Love, "Let us sit down for the telling?" He chose a boulder on which to rest, his friends taking the cue and sitting across from him. "Well," Truth sighed, "I would like to tell my tale first if that is alright." The other two nodded in agreement and listened as Truth began his tale...
"I found myself in many places this past year with people from every corner of the Earth, and I was moved by what I saw and by what I heard," he paused here as if unsure how to formally begin. He sighed, looking carefully at his friends before continuing, "I found myself in places where I did not expect to be and I could not find myself at all in places where I thought I would be embraced." Love noticed the sadness with which he spoke just then. Truth continued, "I was infectious in classrooms and in homes with small children," he smiled, "Where there were authority figures who insisted on having me present in the lives of the young and they often rewarded the children for bringing me out, for welcoming me into their lives." Here, Integrity nodded, "I was everywhere in courtrooms and confessionals, in the thoughts of people who value you" he pointed to Integrity then and Love laughed, "I was less present in government and business than I hoped to be and I was scarce in places where greed and selfishness thrive." Truth took a deep breath and this time when he looked up, there was real sadness in his face, "I was but fragments in the lives of most adults and so often, I was covered up and even drowning in halves and white lies, stories that would assuage or placate those who did not want nor who could handle my presence. Some thought me like a pestilence and some thought that I didn't exist at all." Integrity got up then and went to sit by his friend as Truth began to weep, "There, there my brother," He paused, "Our journeys sound so similar." Truth stared up at him while Integrity nodded, "Yes, I too am found in places where one would not always think to look and I was surprised at how many people who suffer and who have very little embrace me the most, who hold me closest to their hearts when they are starving and dying and as they watch their children pay the price of insolence and rampant greed. There are so few people in the world today who value me anymore. Rather, they see me as outdated, overused and even unnecessary. I am but an afterthought for many people." Integrity waited while Truth composed himself and then he half smiled, "But in those people who embrace you, they embrace me as well" Truth looked at his friend and the light began to come back into his eyes, "For in those who value me, they honor you and there are many" Truth did smile then, "Yes, I can see that; I did see that. I just wish that there had been more, not less." Integrity looked off into the distance, "Yes, it seems as though those who have lost faith in others, those who have lost faith in what is possible; they are the ones who do not value either of us because they are struggling to exist, to survive even." Truth added, "And I suppose that we are both profuse in the young because they have not yet learned that there is a choice and that by choosing to have us present that it makes them stronger, to fight and to live..." The young breathe Truth and Integrity, just as they embrace Love: freely, without censure or tethers.
Now Love had remained silent throughout their discussion and their recollections of their journeys; they had almost forgotten that he was there. As their conversation waned, Truth looked at him, "I am sorry dear friend, we are not excluding you on purpose, please tell us your tale." Love smiled warmly as he was wont to do most often and he looked at the faces of his brothers, of those with whom he often resides in all throughout the world, but his face became twisted then and filled with pain. "Brother" Integrity got up from the boulder next to Truth as he moved over to embrace Love, "What is it?" Love was clearly suffering at the thought of what he would tell, but he took a deep breath and told it anyway...
"And so I am everywhere, in small animals and in children, in homes and cathedrals, in marriages and in friendships," Truth looked at Integrity wondering why Love sounded so forlorn as the tale that he conveyed was one of universal existence and rather pleasant at that. They both waited until Love continued, "I was visiting a small town halfway through my journey" he said brokenly "and it was here that I learned that even those who embrace me, who long for me, who look for me their whole lives; it is these same people who abuse me and who use my very existence to harm other people. For in claiming my presence, in naming me as their reason for being there, people often, in so many ways, turn violent and selfish and to use your word Truth, greedy with their feelings and their belongings and even with their power over others." He hesitated, "It was when he struck her across the face and then told her that he did it because of me, because I was there; I thought, I felt..." here he stopped and put his face in his hands, but he kept on, "There are countries where thousands, millions claim it is me who motivates their wars, my presence in their places of worship or for their dictators or for the money that drives their economy. There are women who touch their stomachs, weeping, claiming my presence right before they terminate a pregnancy. There are adults who abuse small children, children whose faces turn to them as they bask in the light of my existence and as hands strike their faces, the adults tell them they do this because I am there, because of what I am and how I am. There are people who take their own lives and say that they do it because I am no longer present in their lives, because they cannot feel me there..." Love stopped then, the sadness enveloping him and overtaking his ability to continue. Truth nodded in agreement, "Yes my friend, your journey has been a difficult one. It is harder to see the goodness in who we are and what we do than it is to see how they often twist what we are in order to justify their own end..."
Integrity stood then and reached out his hand for Truth. Truth then reached out his hand for Love. Amidst the tears and the sadness, the triumvirate held one another tightly as Truth spoke, "And so we see where the work is to be done and as much as they need us, they also turn from us, ironically when they need us the most. But we will continue to make our presence known so that they can move forward and rebuild and thrive. But most of all, we will stay the course because they want us to; deep down they desire our existence, they just don't always know it." Integrity and Love smiled at their friend's eloquence and as the bond between them strengthened, they saw the faint light that was left of that day disappear over the horizon. Integrity shivered, "And so the battle continues. Let us move on together in the hope that we will one day conquer our enemies and create a place of compassion for all of them." Love looked up at the last of the sunlight, "They were there you know," he glanced at his brothers who nodded in agreement, "Yes, I found them present as well" Integrity bowed his head, "Yes, but not always as strong I found." Truth replied,
"Yes, but look at the history, for as long as there have been people, they have existed and for me, to me, they seem to grow stronger, especially in this age." Love added, "Yes, and where we are weakest and the least present, they are the most rampant." Integrity whispered, "Deceit, Hatred, Corruption" and he shuddered. "As long as people embrace us, they will have nothing to fear" Truth said, "Come, let us plan a new course for tomorrow." Integrity looked at Love, "Yes, as long as they embrace us" We shall see...
And so, the trio of friends set out once more, unsure as to what they would find on their continued travels, but hoping once again, that they would see bits of themselves in the lives of those who roam the earth; of those who wish to inherit it...
The End
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