Not dicking around...

I really don't care too much for that expression, for more than one reason. Regardless though, it seems appropriate for today. I'm not dicking around, fucking around, messing around; take whichever "rated" version you are in the mood for today... I was grading papers today for the better part of the afternoon and I was thinking about writing as a "hobby." While my students have to write under the tyrannical oppressive classroom like atmosphere that I create and the assignments that also match that foreboding description, I, on the other hand, have free reign and total autonomy over the ideas that I choose to contemplate and then deliver. I parent in much the same way although there is a lot of laughter mixed with the dictatorial comments that I spew randomly at the three minors who cavort daily in my home. Writing certainly is cathartic although if you think TOO much about what you want to say, then you are just editing your thoughts and then one has to ask, "Does that really help my mental state?" Writing as a hobby implies a certain amount of creativity, speculation and articulation that is equivalent to the level of understanding of which your audience is capable. Use a word that you know they aren't going to recognize or "Google" at their leisure and they may miss the point entirely. By the same token, repeat the same sentiment more than once and you may lose the gnat like attention span of the current members of Generation "Y" as I have heard them referred to in recent days. When I am grading papers, whenever I am grading papers, I give much consideration to how the student arrived at the thoughts that he chooses to share on the paper in front of me. Sometimes I sit for quite awhile and try to imagine the process that brought him to "this" idea or "that" conclusion. I know that I've said this before, but writing is such an intimate activity as it brings to the surface those pieces of you that may have been repressed or just hidden away for a long time. The process of grading a paper is much like being re-introduced to the writer himself; he is showing me a part of him that I may have never considered and that act, in that second, when the words cross over from the page into my brain, I make a real connection with that student, whether he realizes it or not. And that connection, that moment of synchronicity between our minds is, for me, what makes the act of writing so personal, volatile and highly provocative. Even when people are discussing an idea, there is often a lack of depth to the dialogue because when we speak to someone else, we are immediately responding to the most current idea in a timely fashion. We tend to discourage long pauses in conversation, at least in our U.S culture. We speak instantly and sometimes we start speaking even before the other person has had an opportunity to finish speaking. Thus, a lack of depth, clearly not always, but for me, it seems to occur more often than not. Unlike in writing, where one has the opportunity to expand on some ideas and to minimize others, with editing tools... I am pontificating on the artistic merits of composition. My mom told me not long ago that I was a "good" writer; that meant a great deal to me coming from her and then she added that I should do something with my writing skills. I smiled and then laughed, adding, "Mom, I am a writing teacher." She laughed too. So as to not "dicking around," well, I can honestly add, as it relates to the notion of writing as a hobby, I don't have much time these days to do said "dicking." Time and thoughts are often limited to packing lunches, walking the Pug, doing laundry and running kids all over town in the Tahoe. I am lucky if I have a few minutes to sit and ponder an idea that initially sounded like a good writing topic but that then ultimately goes nowhere. Tomorrow night my students will give their presentations on their research papers and hopefully they will discuss the process that they took in arriving at their final product, but my experience tells me that most of them will just choose a solid section from their papers and they will summarize what they've written. Often it's boring, but every once in awhile, there is a group of students who collectively seems to enjoy the process from inception to presentation. I am hopeful that this will be the case tomorrow. I always look forward to hearing their ideas and strangely, to reading the papers, strangely only because they are the longest product of the term and they usurp quite a chunk of my non-existent "free" time in the grading of them. But in the end, I learn several things, many of which are ideas with which I am unfamiliar. I never claimed to know anything let alone everything. I feel enlightened after I read most of them and with some, I drop my head and shake it slowly wondering how a student could hand such a pathetic product in after 8 weeks, but there are almost always 2 or 3 that end up with a sub-standard grade due to apathy or "personal" issues or just plain poor planning. Regardless, I will hold them in my hands tomorrow night and until I am ready to delve into the minds of the students, those papers will sit on my dining room table, taunting me, teasing me, even trying to solicit me... well, maybe not solicit. We will make that determination after I read some of the titles of the essays. I actually wish that I had more time to "dick" around; I long for the days when I could just sit on the porch and do nothing and when I could say, "I'm so bored." I do get bored, but I never have more than a few minutes to feel that before the dog needs to go out or Ty can't find his backpack or Jake needs to go to CVS for a posterboard at 10:00 at night. Maybe "dicking" around will just have to be reserved for those few days in my life when there will be no pile of papers looming at the end of the table or when the kids no longer want me to go anywhere with them or when it's hockey season and I lose Tim anyway. Maybe "dicking" around is reserved for those times in our lives when we just put aside all grown up things and allow ourselves to just not care about that pile of bills or the dentist appointment. Ah, I got distracted. Tim just came up and rubbed my shoulders for 10 minutes - all the tension has dissipated. All of life's dilemmas can be solved much easier after a few minutes of back rubbing. At least that's my opinion. Time for bed. Time to stop "dicking" around on the computer... Goodnight.

Enough...

There are few things harder in life than watching your child make a decision that you know is simultaneously excruciating and yet, wholly necessary; ironically, it could ultimately be the best decision that he or she ever made, despite the pain that caused it to happen in the first place. Tonight, Jake quit the West High Soccer team. It was a decision that was over a year in the making, but after the first pre-season game, he knew that he could no longer endure what had become an exercise in humiliation for him. My first reaction to his decision was a mixture of anger and disappointment and this didn't bode well with him. He needed me to be instantly supportive and, after some discussion, I think we both understand from where the other was coming. But, I'm not going to lie, when I heard the decision, I was conflicted; I was relieved that he would no longer have to suffer under the tyranny that Mike Shimizu has established at West High, but I was deeply saddened to know that he would no longer play a sport that he loves so much, for his school and with his friends. A decision was made in the summer of 2011, one that affected our family in a difficult way. As a result, Jake did not participate in the voluntary soccer program at West. When he returned to join the class in the Fall as a potential player, he was denied entry by Shimizu. I tried to address the issue head on, but when dealing with a human being who sees no side but his own, it is impossible to make a point. As a result of his blatant disregard for my explanation combined with the denial of Jake's entry into the program, I wrote an email in which I both explained the situation and also where I asked that Jake be given a chance to try out, along with everyone else in a "fair" capacity. I should have known after speaking with Mike Shimizu for a mere 5 minutes that "fair" was not, nor does it continue to be a part of his vocabulary. As a result of the distribution of that email and a subsequent visit to the Athletic Director, Shimizu has since disregarded my son altogether. And, although I make my case for Jake; it is clear, based on the number of boys who have voluntarily left the program, that it is not mere coincidence that the reason why these kids no longer play, is because Mike Shimizu is the coach. Despite their love for the game and their desire to play with their friends and for their school, they left nonetheless. Certainly one might argue that any disgruntled parent can write a diatribe against a coach who doesn't "play" her kid, but, for anyone who knows Jake and, who knows me, you would be hard pressed to make that argument. Jake has done everything "right" during the past year. He regrouped, joined a club team, put in 3-4 extra goalie trainings a week and trained on his own, topping out this past summer in the best shape of his life. And all he wanted was a chance; a chance to compete for the Varsity Goalie spot this season. As a junior and as someone who did everything humanly possible to put himself in the best position possible, he deserved that chance. He even approached the coach just for an opportunity to practice with the varsity given all of the effort and work that he put in. Shimizu simply told him that that was Jake's "opinion" that he should have a chance. Despite that, Jake attended the pre-season banquet and the first pre-season game a few nights ago when he was told that he would have to compete with a freshman for the JV goalie spot. Neither Jake nor I are the kind of people to ever deny someone the right to something that they deserve, but when Jake was told that, it was the last straw. It was clear that not only had he been disregarded, but that he was never going to have a chance to move forward. That sentiment was confirmed when he approached Shimizu that night and again the following day and Shimizu did not try to encourage him to continue nor did he offer any words of comfort to a kid that just put in two soccer seasons at West and a year of additional work, just to earn a chance. When Jake approached Shimizu yesterday to be signed out of soccer, Jake simply told Shimizu that he would no longer play for a coach who he didn't respect and then he left. I would never disparage the West High Soccer program; I am, after all, an alumnus of both the school and the program, but I will take an opportunity to voice my disappointment in and criticism of a coach who runs that program. Shimizu is the type of coach who shows extreme favoritism. In addition, he discards players for a variety of reasons, many of which are not legitimate. He claims that he allows so many boys into the program so that they can be a part of something their freshman year, knowing full well that almost half of them will see no real playing time. But when it comes to earning that $250 dollars that will go to the program, well, there is no problem with that, playing time allotted or not. In addition to that, there has never been a definitive breakdown of where that money goes. Several of the boys played with uniforms that had numbers taped on last season? Shimizu demands extra time yet his only interest is in the few players who he deems "ready" to play Varsity. The ironic notion about that is, as a club soccer coach, he must know that recruiting rarely happens at the high school level any more; it happens mostly at events where club players compete or at showcases. High school soccer has become a program where kids from all walks can play yet he does not develop these kids; he is only interested in the players who he decides, without other input, meet his criteria and some of that criteria is not based on skill or ability or attitude. Mike Shimizu has been at West for 17 seasons. Even the most liberal of programs would realize that the program needs some fresh input, some coaches who are more in touch with the sport in a current framework. The boys need coaches who are role models and who they would like to be when they play and as they grow. Mike Shimizu is not one of those coaches. Clearly, one might argue that I am attacking Mike Shimizu personally, his character really and well, I don't even know him. One could make that argument, but hasn't he done the same thing with my son? As a parent, if the blend of personalities does not mix in a classroom between student and teacher, the parent has some recourse. There might be a discussion with the Principal, the counselor and some meetings to resolve the issue between the two. However, if no resolution can be reached, quite often, the student is taken out of one teacher's class and put into another's. While soccer is an extracurricular activity, high school sports are crucial for so many students; they keep them focused and disciplined while at the same time, allowing them the opportunity to feel as though they belong to something bigger, a brother or sisterhood if you will. Mike Shimizu does not foster that unity. Showing extreme favoritism does not foster unity. Rather, it has the opposite effect; those who are in favor, continue on as they always have, but those who do not, or even those who feel as though they do not, lose in more ways than one. A negative experience, a negative influence, even one time, can change the course of a student's life. The damage that can be done with a few words or a lack of leadership can devastate someone. Mike Shimizu has a responsibility to all of the boys in the soccer program, mostly to be someone who they respect and look up to, but even some of the best players who have played in the program have left, for a variety of reasons, one of which was because they no longer wanted to play for Shimizu. I've been an educator for over 20 years and I know the importance of guiding and building strong students. I've also been a coach and a tutor and I never claim to do anything right, but I lead by example and when I make a mistake, and I do, I admit it and I try to move forward. I also know what my weaknesses are and I compensate by listening to those around me who can help, support and guide me to be a better leader and role model for young people. What bothers me the most is that Mike Shimizu runs the West High Soccer program devoid of a sensitivity to the fact that he is in a position to change the lives of these boys, particularly in a positive way. It is a responsibility that he has failed to live up to, at least in the time that I have witnessed it. It is far more realistic to tell a player that he will never move up or that his chances are very slim or even to cut him than to give him false hope and then treat him poorly. What does that teach him? What kind of men are going to be produced from a program that fails to uphold the one quality that I have been lucky enough to have in the coaches of my youth, respect. If players don't respect their coaches, then there is no program. I think that Mike Everson, Zack Williams and Herb are examples of the kind of coaches who can help the boys really develop, but, in all, Mike Shimizu is not and I feel very badly for those young boys who will suffer under his so called "leadership." I'd like to think that the pen is mightier than the sword and ultimately that this writing will lead to something bigger but I doubt that. I know what will happen; people will have their opinions and that is fine, but in the end, I wrote this for Jake and for our family and to put out into the universe the notion that if something doesn't feel right and it doesn't sit well with you, even if you can't wholly identify why, then it's still fine to say it, to do something about it, to know that in your heart that you said what you needed to say and you moved on. I also feel like I can say this because I have a great son; Jake is a kind, loving, loyal young man who will grow up to be a wonderful man. It shameful that Mike Shimizu didn't recognize all of the good in Jake, the potential, the talent and it saddens me that he won't get the opportunity to continue on with his friends. But, at the end of the day, I can honestly say that while Jake has always had my love and my loyalty, with this decision and with the integrity and dignity with which he handled the situation, he will forever have my respect. Mike Shimizu should be so lucky...