Educational nonsense

Here I am, sitting in the computer lab in between my classes; one having finished, the other yet to start and I'm re-thinking some of the "things" that I told my students today. See I never rehearse what I'm going to say ahead of time, but I do give some thought as to how the general conversation or, in my case, monologue should go and today, like many days, it just seemed an absolute exercise in futility. Most of what I said had no concrete purpose or even consistency and, in the end, although the idea seemed solid in my mind, I realize that, it just didn't work. I admit that and because I see that, I have to continue to try and not spout perpetual bullshit that has no relevance or importance to students who really could care less about what the fuck I'm talking about in the first place or, the class in general. I don't blame them, ever because I KNOW how boring the material can be and I teach it for crying out loud so as much as I'd like to put a tutu and tap shoes on it and twirl it around in front of the students to smile at and to clap at, excited to be learning something "fun," I also accept that sometimes they are just going to be bored, just like I was in college at times. Maybe the boredom serves a purpose as well, in fact, I know it does. It gives them an opportunity to challenge themselves into focusing and it gives me the opportunity to fix what isn't working in the first place. Or, if I just don't care all that much, to just keep talking in circles...

It frustrates the living hell out of me that students don't read. I completely understand the reasons why they don't and why they end up in these prerequisite classes, but I cannot fathom the notion that a student would voluntarily sit through sixteen weeks of a class only to have the outcome be failure? Of course students don't pass, that's the bell curve defined, but I'm talking about students who fail because they don't DO what they are supposed to do. I told them, at the beginning of the term; show up, do the work, pass the tests and that's it. Most of them listen, many of them don't and I consider 3 or 4 many. In a Pass/No Pass class, there is no variation on grades; no amount of A's or D's or anything in between rather, there just is and there isn't. My friends tell me not to get so emotionally invested in the lives of my students; that after one term, they go and most likely, they don't ever think about me again. But that is where I beg to differ and most importantly, why I do get involved...

It isn't me that I want them to remember; it's what I'm telling them, showing them, helping them to understand as they sit and listen, read, evaluate, synthesize, formulate the very opinions that are shaping who they will become or, who they've already become. There is nothing more valuable than a forum in which a person begins to understand how and why they think a certain way about something. It's a revelation really. Watching a student construct an argument from nothing more than his or her notion that "it's not fair" or "I don't see it that way" is like watching the tiniest tip of a sea creature breach the surface of the water because you KNOW that after one piece surfaces, a whole lot more is waiting to follow it. And after Political Science and Biology and History and Art and Psychology and Music, those ideas and those opinions and those arguments become more than just "thoughts," they become an indelible part of that human being's rational thought; of their very existence and I, regardless of how small a part, had something to do with that. I always tell myself before each term, that if I could just get 1 or 2 students to want to read more then I will have done my job; if I could just get them to want to come to class at all, then they would have a substantially better chance of success. I mean, what are the odds, that they end up in my class, in a given term, at a given school? I wasn't even scheduled to teach my 84 class this term; it was a last minute change. What if? I hate those questions, but this time, and every time, I have to consider that it is more than coincidence; there is a reason why I'm here and why those students are here with me and I think about that every single day. And, in the end, after they go, I do miss them. I said that each one leaves a mark on me whether they realize it or not, but they do, good and bad, sad and funny; they've changed me and I hope that I can give them some of that back.

I thought about going into another field altogether. I was tired of the politics involved in Education and frankly, I still am. There are days when I don't want to teach, but I can honestly say that there has never been a day when I haven't wanted to be a teacher. Sometimes it feels like you were just born to do something. I guess that's why I stay, why I keep hoping for the best, why it matters so much to me how they perform and when they don't and what I can do to help them be better. I always wanted my life to mean something. I don't need to be remembered and I don't need material "things" to show what I've done, but I would like to think that every student who passes through my classroom door, whether they "like" me or not, has an opportunity to change their perspective, no matter how small. And when a student tells me, "This is the first time I've read an entire novel" well, let's just say that my heart flutters, more than a little.

This started as a rant about how class didn't seem to go so well today and it ends with me reconsidering what I just said and by reminding myself that perfection is not on the menu, today or ever really, but instead, just a course of better than mediocre. Mediocrity is for the weak and I may be many things, but weak is not one of them. Well, there's always Thursday...