I have been reluctant to say what I really think about many things, not out of fear, but out of a self preservation, particularly for my family; which isn't really "self" preservation, but it is when one thinks about the inherent damage that one might cause simply by writing down words and thoughts that cannot be revoked. My children are living in a community that is tight knit and that, is both good and bad. I can threaten the 13 year old simply by saying, "I know someone on every single corner of every block and if I catch you without that freaking helmet, you're grounded" and, I do know someone. On the flip side, I know someone on every corner of every block... Living in the same city for a long period of time is like that; an old friend who you don't want to get rid of, but even if you could, you don't want to.
We rode our bikes down through Hermosa Beach yesterday afternoon and by the time we got back, the sun was setting. I go to the beach a lot, but there are times when my youth, my teenage years wash back over me and yesterday was one of those times. We spent so much time at 2nd Street in Hermosa when we were teenagers and countless hours skating down the strand, stopping for ice cream, playing volleyball, talking to friends along the different streets. The beach community is a great place to grow up; laid back, good weather, lots of activities and people who value the outdoors. So as we rode, I thought about all of those lazy days and endless sunsets, of swimming in the waves and catching sandcrabs, watching the dolphins in the surf and the surfers sitting on their boards waiting for the perfect crests that never really seem to come in Hermosa, but sometimes they got lucky. There were many people taking pictures and talking about "return flights home" and I was smiling, wondering what it must be like to visit southern California especially during the holidays when, despite the current excessive rain, we can very often wear shorts in the middle of December. Visiting California; another experience that I'll never have in that sense and another example of growing up taking something for granted. Ironic once more because I never wanted to stay here and part of me still doesn't, but it is a good place to raise a family and, like I said, there are so many benefits to living so close to everything that how can one really not consider staying? Well, if they've driven on the 405 recently, they might change their minds. That freeway... fucking A.
I always wonder when I'm writing these, whatever the hell they actually are because they really have no shape or form. I basically just sit and tilt my head over and the words kind of spill out. Seldom do I proofread or read them after I've written them because if I did, I'd probably just delete them all. Whatever, anyway, when I'm writing them, I'm wondering who is reading them and really, why? I mean, I'm no Jack Kerouac nor do I offer any real insight into the human condition. I'm not all that smart and I do hold back because I'd like to keep some of my friends and my job. I'm just, I'm just, well, I just am and part of me wonders why on earth anyone would even remotely care what I had to say even for entertainment value. It's like therapy for me though. I write down my thoughts, like in a journal, but I'm too lazy to actually pen them and I feel lighter, relieved even to have bled the toxic and frustrating ideas out onto the page. I feel like I've put them out there and now, someone or something else has to deal with them. And, if not, then, at the very least, I don't have to think them anymore. I do have recurring thoughts that I can't seem to get rid of and they sometimes plague me throughout the day and into the night. I lay in bed and I think about what I've seen or read or heard and I'm bothered to the point where I can't sleep. I worry about my children and the kind of world that they are inheriting and I understand my part in that act. I am frightened for them and for what kind of future they will have, but I'm also frightened for everyone else too. I don't understand why change takes so long and is such an arduous process. There are so many simple solutions to complex problems that it tears at me to think how much time and energy and resources are wasted by people who claim to know what they are doing when really, they don't have the slightest clue. Some of the brightest, most intellectual people don't have a clue and yet, we trust them with our lives and our futures? We give absolute control to companies and products and industries without often considering what our support of these is causing or, ultimately, to what it is leading us? Why do we continue to search for that ideal when I think that there is no ideal; that in the end, there is only damage control. Excessive amounts of damage control.
We get fat, we go on a diet, well, not everyone; our car makes noise or a light goes on, we get it serviced, our roof begins to leak, we patch it up or get buckets or get a new roof. So much of what I see is reactionary; reactions to what is happening around us rather than prevention or, at the very least, a consideration of what is to come and how it might turn out so that we can stop it from happening. I don't want to be a part of a society that turns its head from the sick and the poor and the hungry and although I know many people who are doing everything they can to help the plight of human beings just like they are, I know just as many people, if not more who sit around and complain about how things are and how they "just don't seem to change." I think the main reason why they don't change is the existence of these people. There is absoultely no logic in complaining about a problem if you are not going to make an attempt to help solve it. You are only adding to the chaos surrounding it and then you are creating more by putting out ridiculous and often petyy, one sided notions that contribute nothing. Maybe there is no such thing as being enlightened, but if there were, it wouldn't be found in Starbucks or at Forever 21 and it sure as hell wouldn't be found at the Coach outlet. I am not against capitalism or consumerism; why would I be? I'm a consumer and I buy things that I want and that I don't need. Of course I do and so I am guilty of it too. I take that as my personal license to complain about it because as I look around, I am bothered and sometimes sickened by the amount of "things" that I have accumulated over the years. "But therein lies the dig" I think because part of me wonders, knows even that if all of it were to go away that I would be exactly the same person I am right now sitting here. I don't need any of it and whatever I wear or don't wear and however much money I spend on books or on art or on music does not dictate the kind of person I am if I can still look at myself and say, honestly, that I would be the same without it, without any of it. I try very hard to find a balance and it is a struggle to do that in a world obsessed with status. Luckily, I am not a clotheshorse nor am I a person who feels validated by how "much" she has. I am fortunate to feel that way I think, but I'm also glad that over the years I've had the opportunity to work and to make my own money and to put real value on effort and hard work and education. For those things, I am grateful to my parents, my friends, my teachers and to a community that offered those opportunities.
We live in a time of trial and error, of corruption and disloyalty, but, I also see a lot of real people who are trying, every single day, of their own volition, who are making a difference, setting a good example and who do care, very much about what happens to our community, our society. Those people deserve much more credit than they get and those are the people that I want to see on each corner of each street where I live. Those people make me happy.
And so, I've divulged nothing of importance today, the first day of a new year, nothing philosophical, nothing worth remembering. At the same time, I've purged myself of a number of inane thoughts and I've just wasted fifteen minutes of my life, avoiding another load of laundry and making a snack and counting down the minutes until I have to go and get the maniac. I hope that this year brings some good surprises for all of you, some real change in a way that mimicks The New Deal or Civil Rights or Women's Suffrage; I hope that this year finds less intolerance and more recycling and I hope that those who are responsible for disasters and incidents that have destroyed lives will own up to their part in the situation and tell the world, once and for all, "I am to blame and I will fix it." We'll see what happens.
I'm supposed to go and watch the Rose Bowl soon, does anyone know who is playing? WTF...
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