Today is my middle son, Nick Thomas's eleventh birthday and the poor kid has not been feeling well all day. He was coughing and he even vomited a couple of times; not too badly, but enough so that he just felt down and well, sick. He wanted to go to dinner with the family and he said earlier, when he was sitting in the bathtub, "I know I don't feel good, but I really want to go to dinner and spend my birthday with the people I love." How damn cute is that? So, we went and it was fun, but he came home feeling really sick and now he's asleep.
I guess I should write about Nick since it's his birthday, but Nick is kind of my private child meaning that his life and his situation are more for our family than for all of you who read this drivel as I write it. I could go on with anecdotes about Jake and Ty FOREVER, but Nick, he's the one that I hold very close to my heart so to speak and he is the one who I will worry about long after he's left home. Jake and Ty will be fine; they may not go to college or get the job of their dreams, but they'll survive because they are both gregarious and they reach out to people as if people were their means of life support. They like to be around a lot of people, they like to be the center of attention and they both tend to thrive in a chaotic environment. Whereas Nick is much more like Tim; solid, pensive, introverted, maybe even sensitive. Nick is sensitive but the jury is still out on Tim...
One of the things that I've really hated seeing over the years, particularly with raising boys is this dick swinging attitude that is perpetuated by a large population of the male species. Of course I'm generalizing and I've touched on this before when mentioning coaches, but I never claimed to be politically correct nor have I ever counterargued my own ineptitude(s) and faults. Besides, if I've said it once, I've said it five thousand times, these are my thoughts so (insert expletive of your choice here) if you don't like it. The thing about the "dick swingers" and for those of you who do not know to what I refer, it's basically that quasi-cultural bias that reeks of a time when men were men and women, well, they weren't the same as men. But this isn't about women; it's about that slap on the back, play football, fuck the cheerleader, beat the shit out of the freshman or homosexual or the weak guy; the guy who is different from the others; different in a way that is palpable, noticeable, real, type of guys. The boys who didn't play sports, who didn't date the "popular" girls, who chose hobbies and activities that suited them and not necessarily the prototype "mold" that is often ingrained in boys from the time that they are small. "Want to be a real man son? You've got to kick the shit out that kid." Yeah okay tough guy and who's going to homeschool him when he gets expelled for bullying or fighting? See, boys who are quieter, loners, who choose to be outside of the mainstream, they do have a tougher go of it. I've seen it, I see it all the time. I taught high school and middle school and as the years go by, it doesn't change, it just takes a slightly different shape.
Nick told me that he didn't want to play baseball this season and I didn't ask him why. I just asked him if he was sure and he said, "Yeah Mom." And that was it. I think that this was the last season for soccer too. I have no problem with it and I loved that he said that next year, when he goes to middle school that he'd like to be in the Chorus or maybe the Band. And he'd like to learn to speak Spanish and maybe take Hip Hop lessons. All of this from a boy who says very little, who spends a great deal of time alone, who reads like books are crack and he's addicted, who loves video games and has become so adept at playing that he has to explain the simplest moves to his out of practice parents. Nick is a bright, sweet, loving boy who is trying to forge a place in a world that begs him to turn to athletes and movie stars and Ninja Warriors to use as his role models. When really, for a kid like him, he needs to be turning to Gustavo Dudamel or Ray Bradbury or Eric Clapton or Steve Jobs or someone who could turn to him and say, you know what Nick, the measure of a man is not the size of his triceps or how many chicks he banged in high school; the measure of a man is the confidence and the pride that he carries and that defines him throughout his life. Those are the kinds of role models that my son needs and that we continue to point out or try to have him turn to when he needs some "guidance."
The thing is, I look at Nick and I see a boy who does things his own way, in his own time and although society works the other way around with us trying to "fit in;" I don't see that for Nick. He will try and he will figure out what works for him, but he will also find it in a way that suits him, not everyone else. I just hope that it is a path not inundated with narrow minded simpletons who are too immature or naive enough to accept and to validate the true differences in people. Who am I kidding? Would it be too much to do covert ops when he goes to high school? I just don't want him to feel like he has to be any certain way or do any certain thing; that he should be happy with who he is. One of the things that I've told Jake over the years, well, the past couple of years and I tell Nick too, but he tends to roll his eyes at me is that if someone doesn't like you, then it's fine. For every person that doesn't like you, there are dozens who do or will as you grow up. It's harder for them to see as kids because they and we all want to be accepted and loved and they want to fit in. And being a teenager is hell on earth for many kids; surviving those years is their own personal war and sometimes it is a a miracle if they get out alive. Just watch the news, sadly... I also tell them that it is not important what other people think about them unless they value that person and his/her opinion. I told a friend once that I don't care what other people think about me and that is completely true. I really couldn't care less, but here's the thing; I do care, very deeply what the people I love think and that is why it does hurt sometimes and it is painful when they hold a mirror up to my behavior and they say, "Take a good look Yvette, it's not what you think." Then it is often time to re-evaluate. I can't live my life worrying that people might not like me or that they are talking about me behind my back. At this point, I'd be worried if they weren't. So, I am teaching my boys to ride their own waves, even if they have to splash about and tumble and wait to produce them on their own.
I found out that I was pregnant with Nick on my 30th birthday. We went and saw a play at the Geffen that night, and all through dinner, all I could think about was "a baby, another baby." 9 months to the day, on the actual holiday, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Nick entered the world, all 9 pounds, 5 ounces of him. Black hair, perfect, little fingers, such a good sleeper and eater, quiet, never a behavior problem... I have many dreams for you my middle child, but the biggest one is that you find the self confidence that will carry you through your days and which will help serve as a shield to fend off the doubts and the worries and the pain that will certainly accompany you during those days.
I hope your eleventh year is filled with wonder and love and a limitless amount of moments that make you smile. Happy Birthday Nicky. I love you...
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