I'm so irritated right now, testy, annoyed and I wish that I was still taking Tae Kwon Do just so I could punch or kick some stranger. Funny too because I was in a pretty good mood just a bit ago. I think it's the constant flood of personalities and demands and needs and voices and, and, all of it coming from four different directions all at once. I can be folding the laundry or typing on the computer and all of a sudden it's like the Hiroshima of noise and other people's needs right in my ears and on top of my head and I feel compelled to put my hands over my ears and scream until it goes away... but it doesn't and then it passes, well, sometimes it passes. In this case, it didn't.
I get overwhelmed with all of it; technology, bills, shopping, organizing, working, playing, even picking kids up at different schools. Some days when they are all out of the house, I feel like I'm in the middle of someone else's movie reel; it's quiet and I can actually think for a minute or two and then wham! the phone rings, the dog barks, the neighbor knocks on the door, the timer goes off on the dryer and my head starts to spin again only this time without three voices yelling out, "Mom, where's the WD40?, Mom why does he keep hitting me? Mom can I have 3 Oreos? Mom, there's a delivery guy here... Mom, Mom, Mom..." and then, shut down or, in this case anger. I'd go and work out but I'm just too damn tired now to get up off this chair and the thought of doing one more thing just adds to the irritation. But you know what? Chocolate might help.
I spiral down very easily, but lately I've been able to pick myself up pretty easily too. It depends upon what is causing the spiral. If a person or people is or are causing it, I can usually let it go... usually. But if the person in question has done something that cannot be dealt with immediately then it eats away at me like an ulcer. I sit and the thoughts fester like cold sores in my mind and I begin to think the worst and then, wham! it's back on to something else. I so wish that people could read my mind some days so that they would know exactly what I need when I need it. Not all the time, but sometimes would be nice; not having to say it. And once again, being in a household of non-analytics (growing men), most of the time I have to pretty much spell it out for them, Tim included. Once Tim asked me to make him a "Honey Do" List and leave it on the fridge. Once... I told him that if he ever asked me what HE needed to do and then I had to write it down for him again that he'd better add file for divorce to that list. I ripped up the paper and said, "Look the fuck around, there's your list" and I walked away. Harsh? Not at all considering that a grown man was asking me what he should be doing? I think not.
I also have a hard time with stupid questions. If you've ever had a teacher or an authority figure tell you that there is no such thing as a stupid question, they were lying to you because there are and if you learn from your mistakes, STOP asking them. Think before you speak which is mostly the problem with which to begin. In addition, people who don't do what they said they were going to do and it affects me and my plans, well that just ticks me off to no end. See, I'm not much of a planner; I'm more of a fly by the seat of my pants type of woman. I want to do something, I'm there and if I don't then don't bug me about it. But when I want to do something and I actually planned it and I'm counting on someone and then they flake... the steam starts to bellow out of my ears and my eyes and my brain until I feel completely fried.
And to top it all off, I've given up red meat and I'm thinking about giving up chicken and turkey too. I don't know if I can give up fish; now or ever, but I might consider it in the future. I'm reading this book, The Omnivore's Dilemma and it is completely changing the way that I look at food and not only what I eat, but how I shop and how my whole family is involved in the food chain. It is enlightening and disturbing and it's made me angry too because I love steak and hamburgers and spaghetti and changing the course of a diet that has been 40 years in the making well, let's just say that my body and my mind are doing some serious re-adjusting. I might have to start smoking pot;maybe that will balance it out. Hey, it's an herb. I don't know; it's like starting a new diet, a new way of thinking I guess, a new mentality and right now that mentality is racked with anger...
I haven't been running either. We did that half marathon 2 weeks ago and although I've been working out every day in some way, I haven't thrown on my shoes and gone for a run and I can tell that my body needs it, my mind needs it. There is something liberating about the repetition of your feet moving you forward and nothing but you and the road. There doesn't have to be any equipment, any plan, you just... go. I might drag myself up in a few minutes and go, I might. Hell, I might do a lot of things.
I try very hard to reconcile being a woman with being a mother and most of the time, I fail. Trying to create a balance often throws me off balance entirely and I'm a hamster, spinning my short little legs on the wheel, going nowhere while thinking desperately, if I could just go a little faster, I could get there. If I could just... If only... and Valentine's Day. With the exception of a friend whose birthday is that day, did I mention that the day might as well be Satan's birthday? I think that it is the most ridiculous, stupid, pointless waste of money, time and effort on the planet. Well, not the most, but it is right up there with Coke Zero. I mean really? Flowers, candy, lingerie? Diamonds, dinner, cards, well, actually, I like the cards, but I'm a write a note kind of girl so that's okay and as much as I like sexy lingerie, it's expensive and it ends up on the floor in less than a minute anyway. So now, when I want something sexy I buy it for myself, to actually wear and if Tim happens to see it then that's okay too, but good lord, have you been to Victoria's Secret lately? I paid $48 for a bra the other day. It's one of the best bras I've ever owned, but fifty damn dollars. I almost hyperventilated in the store. But, I digress. Valentine's Day; the lamest of all "holidays" and you really can't even call it that to begin with now can you? It's a day for little kids and old people and teenage girls who are pining away for their "love." Everyone else can suck it as far as I'm concerned and yes, you may quote me.
So that's it I suppose. I've sat here brooding long enough. Time to go and hunt down some ice cream or maybe go for a run or try again to chase the husband around the house, but even that isn't sounding so appealing. Man, I really am in the dumpster... somebody throw me a life line.
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