Mother fucker, son of a bitch, dammit, someone needs to teach that asshole how to drive! This is the thought that runs through my mind several times a day as I chauffeur various children to a variety of places and as I run the "errands" that make up a homemaker's life: Costco, Target, Bank, Albertson's, Park, Post Office, Doctor's Office, 3 different schools, yes 3, soccer practice, soccer game, friend's houses; mine and theirs, McDonald's, library, swimming, the gym, church, out to dinner, Toys R Us to buy yet ANOTHER birthday present, farmer's market, work, home, grandparents' houses... I had to stop to take a breath there. As any stay at home parent knows, being a taxi driver is one of the many job descriptions on the resume that makes up our days. Errands and jobs aside, as one who lives in California, if you are one, you also know what a fucked up street and freeway system we have in the lovely Golden State and, discrimination aside, if one more teenager or person of "senior" status does something stupid in their car, I'm going to go ballistic...
I was driving to pick up Nick from his appointment and I had 15 minutes to go, oh, about 2 miles. 2 fucking miles at 4:00 in the afternoon... and I was late. Fuck! I was late, thanks to, you guessed it, grandma Everhart over on my right who completely disregarded the turn lane and drifted right in front of me, ignoring the fact that I was even there in the first place. Now, driving over the speed limit might be dangerous, but driving a good 15 miles under it and then drifting like you are in the geriatric Fast and the Furious CANNOT be good for the road either. And if you think I'm being an ageist, well let me just say, earlier in the day I was cut off by some kid who had his hat pulled down so low that even I couldn't see where he was going. He cut me off and then he STOPPED right in the middle of a four way intersection like he couldn't make up his mind which way he wanted to go! Completely disregarding the fact that I was right behind him. So, I honked my horn and I didn't lay on it or anything although I wanted to, but I had two kids in the car with me. I gave the horn a little tap just in case he didn't realize that I was sitting there waiting and he leans out the window and flips me off... now, there are a few choice things that I could say here or that I could have done, but, as I mentioned, my children were in the car and while I had to hear, "Hey Mom, did that guy just flip you off?" I also reminded myself that this was an opportunity to teach them a lesson on patience, "Yes" I muttered and turned left, but I also mumbled a few words under my breath, seething as we continued, only to hear the 4 year old say, quite clearly, "Mommy, don't say fuck!" Hmmm, that mother of the year award is drifting even more out of my eyeline and it's only January.
I try to discriminate indiscriminately, but it's tough sometimes when one particular group seems to clamp down on a given event or day in my life or in just the maelstrom of my existence. I wonder though, when it comes to things like driving and responsibility and mere reaction time, when do we begin to infringe on a person's personal freedoms if, let's say, one day, they run over your cat in broad daylight right in front of you, we take their license away and just tell them, "Sorry man, you're just too old now." Really, age discrimination? You know what I'm going to say, Hell no it's not. I say mandatory driving tests for EVERYONE over 65 and I say that because I plan on having slower reaction time by then, if I'm still alive and I will gladly go for another test. AND, on top of that, these tests should be annual and they should be mandatory. I turn 40 and I have to get my breasts checked once a year, why the fuck aren't people tested for their prowess behind the wheel of a machine that could kill people, including themselves, small children and pets? Seriously, I cannot be the only person who thinks this. My neighbor, who I don't know all that well, really not at all who lives down the block; when I see him get in the car, I make sure that all living creatures are locked safely inside of the house. He does this thing where he pulls out into the middle of the street and he sits there in his car, he sits there in the middle of the street, car idling for 3 or 4 minutes or until someone comes along behind him and then he proceeds to drive about as fast as the 4 year old on his bike with training wheels, completely disregarding the stop sign that is at the end of the block... I tell you that it is a complete miracle that he hasn't hurt someone or himself by now.
And, clearly, it's not just old people or teenagers, it's all of us. I am a dangerous driver because I drive too fast or so I'm told. My boys don't seem to mind as they are boys and they like speed... my standard quote is "I'm an offensive driver not a defensive driver" and Jake backs me up with "The best defense is a good offense Mom." I think that's a football thing, but I'll take it here. I drive my Chevy Tahoe like it's a Fastback '65 Mustang, but, you know, I think I'd still rather be at the cause end than at the receiving end. I've only been in minor fender benders and strangely they've all occurred in parking lots? Something about backing up? Whatever. And speeding tickets? Only 2 in all of my 41 years; not bad for someone who completely disregards speed limit signs. They are just a guideline, at least that is what I keep telling myself. We drive to Lake Tahoe every year and I take the stretch to Sacramento, the straightaway and it often freaks Tim out because I get tired of people cutting me off, switching lanes and zipping around so I will go head to head with them; a game of chicken? It's on. I played with this little Honda Civic for about 30 miles coming home this summer and he was laughing at me, I saw him as I wove my monster SUV around his little speedster, but I'd be damned if I'd let him pass me. Yes, I jeopardized my whole family's safety, but it was a mere matter of pride you see. And pride goeth before the fall or is it cometh before the fall? Whatever, pride somethingith before Yvette rams her 2 ton vehicle right over the little silver pain in the ass hot rod... I also like to crank the tunes really loud when I drive. Now the 4 year old goes "Turn it up Mom" even when the whole car is vibrating. He can even fall asleep as the windows shake, man I have awesome kids...
I never thought that Road Rage was a real thing until I get on the 405, not until I GOT on it, but every single time I get on it. That freeway is a compilation of every bad and evil thing about the human race in all of its history. That freeway is Dante's Inferno or at least one of the rings. It doesn't mattter what time of the day, where you are, when you are, who you are with, how far you are going, that fucking strip of highway will crush you like that guy's head in Goodfellas when DeNiro and Pesci put it in the vice and flatten his brains into spaghetti, ugh, gross, but similar in how I feel here. I realize that it's a population thing, I realize that the freeway takes so many people to such a wide variety of destinations that it's going to be crowded. But here's the thing, I don't give a shit. I don't want to wait, I don't want to get stuck and I most certainly do not want to have to deal with a whole lot of other pissed off homemaker's like me who are in a race against time to get their kid home from the airport before they fall asleep in the car and fuck up the nap schedule...
I think we forget that driving is a privilege and many of us, myself included, treat it like it's just some thing that is there, that we do, like answering the phone, eating a meal, talking to someone, but if you are one of those people who disregard others in their quest to maintain 28 miles per hour or because you forgot your glasses and you can't see where to put the car into gear, then frankly you need to wake the fuck up because I'm tired of having to deal with your perpetual shitty driving and it's aggravating me to the point where I'm going to go Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes and just start ramming your fucking car into oblivion. Either that or I'm going to make some very serious hand gestures in your direction, kids or no kids in the car. If you cannot properly operate a motorized vehicle, then... walk or flag me down, I'll give you a ride. I guarantee, you'll get there faster than you would otherwise...
And, most likely, Tim will be teaching the boys to drive so go ahead, breathe a sigh of relief and the next time you see me on the road, you've been warned, either steer clear or try to keep up, but either way, don't mess with me; it's in your own best interest...
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