My mind is not in the gutter today, unusual to say the least so get yours out of there too. I know it was there the second that you read the title... too easy. I was just sweeping the floor, listening to some random show on Bravo and I was struck with an idea and so here I sit, recording it at lightning speed...
Ty, the 4 year old maniac is so very much like Jake was at that age and one of his idosyncratic behaviors is that he wants either Tim or I to lay with him as he falls asleep. So, after reading him stories, one of us does. Last night, that one of us was me. With Jake, I used to have to close my eyes and pretend to be falling asleep or he would just lay there with his little eyes open like some kind of motion detector, somehow knowing that the second he shifted REM cycles that Tim or I would bolt out of his bedroom. But Ty is different that way; he'll just kind of roll over and go to sleep, not saying anything, maybe even falling asleep while we are reading to him. And, last night he was extremely tired, having come from a late playdate... I finished reading The Rainbow Fish, one of his current favorites and I kissed him goodnight and then, I watched him fall asleep...
Now, if you've ever held a child, most likely a baby as he or she drifts off to sleep and, if you're lucky, you might have been nursing or feeding the baby as this phenomena was happening, then you probably know exactly the feeling that I'm going to attempt to describe. There is something innately satisfying about watching a child, in this case, my child, fall asleep. Warm, cozy, content as his little eyelids kind of fluttered open and then closed, as he reached out his hand to check to see if I was still there and as he clutched "Raff" his stuffed giraffe that he's had since birth, to his head, I watched his face and I smiled. I remembered something that my dad said once about the time in his life when he slept the best was when he knew that the three of us, Rich, Steve and I (pre Christine) were home safe and asleep in our beds. I completely understand that notion now and every night, I go to each room and look at them before I turn in. It's obvious isn't it? Their faces are calm, there is no noise, no drama, no fighting, no fear; just peace. But as I was sweeping today, just now, I was thinking about how much real, genuine pleasure it gave me to watch that little guy drift off to sleep for the night; safe in a bed in a home, without tragedy or trauma, without hardship, poverty or hunger, without the fear of waking up in the morning with no food or water or clothes or parents. It was, really, another huge dose of perspective.
At one time or another, there has been a kid asleep in our bed for a variety of reasons, none of which I have to explain to the various parents out there. And, most of us have dragged that kid back to their own bed, reassuring them and making sure that they once again feel secure before they let you leave the room or, before you can sucessfully sneak out of the room. But the truth is, I will miss the days of rolling over and having a little kid hug me in the middle of the night or of a little voice saying in my ear, as soon as the sun comes up (although that part I probably won't miss), time to get up mom. A few mornings ago, the 4 year old yelled really loudly so loudly in fact that I jumped up into a jacknife position on the bed, "Mommy, Mommy..." "What?" I screamed thinking that there was a problem, "Can we make brownies?" I look over at the clock, it's 5:42 in the morning. "No Ty I don't want to make brownies right now" while the whole time I'm thinking, "What the fuck, brownies?" I flopped back down and told him to go and play with his toys for awhile. Did I just say that I was going to miss having a little voice to wake me up? Yeah I did and yes, I still will miss it.
I watched Nick, the 11 year old recite his John Adams speech at school this week and the pleasure receptors in my brain went into overdrive as he completed the task easily and successfully. He was nervous and his voice wobbled a bit, but he did such a great job that even other parents commented on how well he did. He often rolls his eyes when people praise him for anything so as I videotaped it, I thought of how far he's come in these past few years and my heart kind of overflowed with joy at him having a moment of his own. Hasn't happened a lot for Nick, but the few times that it has have been reminders, much like the leg thrown over my body in the middle of the night, of how much I will miss being a part of their daily lives once they've grown up and gone.
And Jake, how much joy and strife that child has brought to my existence... too much of both to measure in words but I'm sure that there are visible welts on my brain and on my heart from the latter of the two. Regardless, being Jake's mother brings an enormous amount of pleasure to my life. Just watching him interact with people is enough to let me know that he will be just fine in whatever he decides to do, but it also fills me with a kind of warmth and contentment that I can't really attribute to anything other than the pure enjoyment of being able to be a part of someone's life as he begins to make that transition from childhood to adolescence and beyond. For as irritating as he can be, it is a real triumph to see him laugh and smile and get along with people. His presence gives me pleasure and it really is that simple.
I get an absurd amount of happiness just walking somewhere with the three of them or in spending the day with them. Because they are kind of spread out in age, activities that they all enjoy doing are becoming less available, but those times when I find one and we get to participate in it together have been some of the best of my life. Just interacting with them, through the good and the bad gives me more pleasure than I can really describe here in words although I will say that I am curious how all of this is going to pan out. And, frankly I am both frightened and readily anticipating the day when each of them can walk through that door into their own lives, in anticipation of a future that belongs to only them. I am already preparing for it...
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