Valentine's Day is for amateurs. All of you lovesick idiots out there who are overspending to justify your meaningless relationships can suck it as far as I'm concerned. Of course I would have expressed that more eloquently, but I'm in a "suck it" kind of mood today so, there you have it. When Tim and I were talking yesterday after he'd gotten home from work, I asked him, as I often do, "Did you think about me today?" And, as usual, he rolls his eyes, but, on occasion, like yesterday, he puts his arms around me, kisses my temple and whispers, "Yes, I did think about you today." It's a setup I can feel it, but I play along because I'm a chick and I'm often desperate, "You did?" I say, the inflection in my voice just high enough to indicate some interest and he says, "Yep, I thought about you naked and bent over something..." Again, too much information for you maybe, for me, an opportunity to laugh with my husband of a zillion years. Hey, if you can't laugh about it after 17 years something's terribly wrong. He was thinking about me at least, but semantically, I think my writing might suggest that he was naked and bent over something while he was thinking about me. And, well, let's just not go there. Too Pulp Fiction for me at 10 in the morning. Although I love that movie...
I've never cared for Valentine's Day with the exception of those very early elementary school years where everyone gave everyone else a card or some candy or a toy and no one was left out. Over the years and through the dating jungle, it seemed like I was either in the midst of a breakup on that fateful day or I had a boyfriend who did the traditional flowers, chocolate, blah, blah, blah. I guess I just don't associate being romantic or overly affectionate with a particular day. It's too contrived, too forced, too fucking stupid. Why do we spend or demand so much of a day that was made up? And why do so many people feel left out or down if they don't have a valentine to share it with? Know what I say? You're better off just pretending the day doesn't exist; no head games, no credit card debt, no flowers that are going to wilt in less than a week. Marriage proposals maybe, I mean, if there is a solid way to express your feelings for someone, it could be asking them to marry you. Then again, these days, that really only guarantees a year, maybe two before your head is turning and you are ready to move on. Just ask Ashlee Simpson or Scarlett Johnannssen. Probably not the best examples, but here's my point, why get married in the first place? Because you are in love and because he gave you a diamond the size of a quarter? Love, really? A reason to get married? Don't get me started...
I think that if you truly want to spend the rest of your life with someone and you are willing to ride that roller coaster every day through the tears and the screaming and the desperation and the absolute hatred that might feel for your significant other and for yourself, then do it. Take the plunge, ask or answer wholeheartedly and best of luck to you. I was terrified to get married; in retrospect, absolutely terrified. The idea of committing to one person for the rest of my life when I didn't really even know what my life was going to be. But I now know that the reason why I was terrified was because I took the commitment to heart and I told myself that it was more than just a label or a wedding or a ring; it was a bond between us that would grow and change and eventually would welcome children if that were to happen. And let's face it, that's big stuff. Of course I believe that people should divorce and that there are not only viable reasons but necessary ones. What I don't believe is that marriage is a mere convenience because you are crazy in love and because you can't stand the thought that he or she might end up with someone else. A relationship that might go the distance is one that is based in reality, not in fantasy and the "love" that you have for that other person is justified and exemplified and displayed through your steadfast pledge to try it all, to try anything that you can to make it work. And yes you get tired of them as they do of you. You get bored with each other; there are moments when you don't recognize them and you have to ask yourself if this is what you really wanted in the first place. And this is maybe where Bill Maher and I might slightly disagree because I do believe that marriage is a sacred bond, a sacrament blessed by God and if that is the case as I believe it to be then I understand, going back, the fear and uncertainty that accompanied the joy and love that I did feel on our wedding day. And almost 18 years later, I still feel it, rather unexpected to say the least...
In light of all the money that is spent on a day like February 14th as well, I suppose some of my disgust comes from the "over" spending. I mean, roses, really? You know what that money could do for other people? I'm tired of hearing people say that they want to change and that they want to help other people and then they walk away with their 5 dollar cup of coffee and they get in their Mercedes and they drive 2 blocks to the dry cleaners and, I just feel sad right now thinking about it. I spend more money than I should, on things that I do not need but I don't make excuses for why I have to have something and especially not on a day that pretends to be a declaration of my husband's love for me. Really, it makes me want to vomit; doesn't make me a better person than you, just gives me a moment to pause and then to write...
For Valentine's Day this year, why don't we make a pledge you and I? On Monday, do something different, something that doesn't involve money or material objects. Do something for someone else that you might have considered doing, but were otherwise too shy or too busy or too whatever you were that kept you from doing it before. And try to remember that moment when you knew or when you felt that way once about someone else; someone who you felt in your heart would always be a part of your life, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in good times and in bad... and if you are alone on that day, I hope that you know that someone is thinking about you and wishing that the other 364 days of the year are filled with meaning and hope and something other than heart shaped boxes of overpriced chocolates...
What did I ask my husband for Valentine's Day you want to know? Or, if you don't, that's okay too. I told him the same thing I tell him every year, I want nothing. The first few years he got me something anyway, not yet knowing if, my being a woman, I really meant what I said or if I meant the opposite of what I was saying. Now he knows better. And, I'm not going to tell you what I asked him for, but just to shake him up a little, I said, "A baby?" He hung up on me. Still maintains a sense of humor after all these years. Maybe some handcuffs... too much information? You asked... V Day, erase it from existence... xoxo
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