Ever been in the process of doing something that you knew that you were going to regret, but then, you did it anyway, out of some preconceived idea that it was the right thing to do at that moment? If you have EVER felt like that, well then, welcome to my world. It is not so much a feeling of regret as it is a need to take it back or to apologize or to wonder if you could have saved yourself the humiliation that you now feel, thinking that you had to say it, but knowing that there really was no point. So, why say it then? Maybe there is an option not to, for you or for someone else. For me though, there is not. Part of it is being impulsive, part of it is being exhausted and part of it is just being, well, me. I do have a filter, but it is rapidly tearing and puncturing itself to the point where it will one day be unrecognizable. I don't know how long that will be, but I'm hoping that it coincides with my senility so that I can blame it on that condition. In the end, today, I tell myself that at least I was honest, at the very least, I was honest with myself and because I didn't want anything out of what I said, I feel better about having said it.
I lose friends, I make friends, I hate friends, friends hate me... you see the cycle happening here. But what's really intersting to me is that I no longer spend a great deal of time worrying about what other people think. In the aforementioned situation, I did worry that I overstepped and created a scenario that was misunderstood, a situation where the other person and I were not on the same page in the slightest. But, then I thought about it, I'm thinking about it now and I realize that we are in two totally different places anyway and the likelihood that we would have ever been friends in the first place was miniscule with which to begin. So, because it was unlikely that a friendship would develop and because it did, I guess I'm pondering the outcome because I would like to keep this person around. I would like to think that my blunders or missteps might be overlooked in lieu of my brilliance and sense of humor, but, Dennis Miller I'm not. So, as you read the thoughts as they sprint through my mind, maybe all of it will be justified by telling this friend that I am sincerely sorry for underestimating how awkward and unnecessary the revelation of a few thoughts that I had were in the daily news show that makes up a relationship. Maybe my friend will understand if I simply say, I make mistakes too...
Humor masks pain, hatred masks fear, attraction masks loneliness; all of it, hiding behind something, hiding from something. Contrary to what you might think, I'm not all that happy and I struggle with finding some kind of balance. I fear that by the time that I do figure it out, it will be too late to do anything about it and what really frightens me is that nothing, regardless of what it is or who is in my life, that I will never get to a place where I can accept that this is my life. And, if I can't do that, then I might as well just give up now. I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled because it isn't the kind of void that yearns for someone else or something else even. It's the kind of void that can only be filled by me; by my ability to do what I said and accept my life for what it is. It is completely ironic and ridiculous even because I have a great life. I am very lucky and I know that, but that reiterates my point for me; it is not external, it's internal and every day that goes by where I feel like this makes me realize that I might unravel the very things that have gotten me to where I am today. I may be the catalyst that destroys my own life and the very possibility of my own happiness.
I've changed and I am a different woman than I was when I married Tim, even before that. But I have changed because of the circumstances that I've created by the choices I've made, even the choices that I feel were mistakes. Some of those, ultimately, may have been the most important. Maybe I'm grappling with the idea that my life didn't turn out the way that I thought it would or maybe, it turned out exactly the way that I expected it to. I lay in bed at night and I worry that this is all there is and it makes me feel guilty for thinking that because "this" is pretty good. But if I'm honest, it might not be enough for me. I am never entirely satisfied with any one thing and I am constantly searching for... I don't know what it is that I'm searching for. I suppose that is part of the problem.
You misunderstood me or I didn't say what I meant in the way that I meant it, but either way, I am sorry. It was a moment, a weakness, a second where I contemplated the "rightness" of my words and I thought that they were accurate, appropriate, timely, but now, after hearing your response, I know, absolutely in my heart that they were. And that is why I said what I did. That is why I was being true to myself when I said them and that is why I also wish that I could, on some level, take them back. Finally, I want you to know that I will let it go after I send this and I hope that you can too. But if not, I will be grateful once more for hitting the Send button, not knowing where tomorrow might take me or you or our friendship.
Life is like Blackjack I think and sometimes you do just bust...
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