At a crossroads

It really is a game, all of it. When you sit down and think about it, it's a game and you and I are playing and, there is no winner, ever. Winning isn't the point, but playing, being involved in the play, is most certainly the point. Leaving the comfort of your home, challenging yourself, stepping outside of your comfort zone, all motivation to help get you there, wherever "there" is. Maybe at 26, "there" is finding your own space or at 43, it's trying to understand where and how people fit into your life and, if they do at all anymore. Maybe it's simply a matter of living the way that you want to live and forgetting the rest of it: people's expectations, society's influence, the whole notion that you have to be a certain way or act a certain way. Maybe it's as simple as living for yourself and making time for others and things and jobs and vacations as you see fit. Taking care of yourself and becoming the person that makes you happy will inevitably lead to the invitation for other people to make you happy. I'm sounding way too much like Oprah here but optimism has to breed something positive, especially in those moments when you just don't want to get out of bed or when you just want to give up. Don't give up.

Went to an art display last night and I was moved by the talent of the artists, but more than that by their committment to what they love to do. It cannot be even remotely easy to try and find the time and space to create something meaningful and then try to make a living by selling it. I would have bought every single piece if I could have just to show them that it is worthwhile and that they have to keep at it, if that is their love, if it is what makes them whole. Life is nothing without passion, without a drive to want to be great at something, other than making money. And, it's true what "they" say, money doesn't make you happy; it creates the time and space that people desperately want, but it is still up to you to make yourself happy, whatever that means, whenever it happens.

The maniac asked me, "Hey mommy, want to play red light, green light?" as I'm in my underwear, trying to gather my work stuff and pack his suitcase all at the same time. I looked at the clock; there was no time to play right then. I looked in his very blue eyes and I sighed and said, "Sure buddy" and we played, for 10 minutes and it almost sent him into a frenzy of happiness. 10 minutes, that's all it took. Sure I had to put my makeup on in the car and risk possible death from unplanned, ridiculously insane driving tactics, but it made the kid happy. And, ultimately, it made me happy too.

You could die tomorrow or today and so could I. You might never find your place or live your dream. It's sad, but it's the truth. Starting out is excruciating because you don't know where you're going to end up, but, if you really think about it, that's what makes it exciting too. There is no time frame on when you have to do something or be somewhere and ultimately, what really matters is that you get there when you are ready to get there and then, another challenge arises. I cried almost every night when I first started teaching. The days were long, the work was hard and the amount of pressure and stress turned me into someone who I didn't really know or want to be. But, I learned so much about what I didn't want to be or do that it brought me to a much better place, with no job security and much less money, but a hell of lot more peace. I also discovered that things at which I thought I was good, in reality, they were things that I couldn't do well. I tried, but I wasn't cut out for them and I had to accept that. There's much to be said for acceptance.

Live in the moment, isn't that what everyone says? Enjoy what you have and who you have for as long as you have them? I don't know; sometimes I think that it changes so quickly that I don't have time to "enjoy" it. One minute it's this and the next, I'm sitting on the kitchen floor, my face in my hands, weeping and I don't know how I can enjoy anything at all. So, I understand the feeling of being at a crossroads, pretty much every single day and I empathize.

Be appreciated, be loved, be patient, be kind, be open to new ideas and experiences, be forgiving, be willing to admit that it's your fault every once in awhile, be generous, be accepting, be fun, be silly, be sentimental, be sexy, be gentle, be a hardass, be critical, be first but sometimes, be last, be angry, be unusual, be friendly; be yourself. And, if you're reading this, I like you, hell, I might even love you and although I was never a cheerleader, I'm still in your corner and I'm still rooting for you. Now, get up off the couch, step away from the computer and go out and do something for yourself; you never know who or what is right around the corner...