If you know me, you probably wouldn't think that I like to avoid conflict; the thing is, I do like to avoid it. I will engage if necessary or if provoked, but I do not seek it out nor do I enjoy the battle or the aftermath. I think maybe it is because I take things very personally and I feel things very deeply. I have a difficult time just letting things "roll off my back" because I tend to analyze the hell out of them. Certainly this can be a helpful trait when preparing for a lawsuit or purchasing a home, but insofar as relationships go, extreme analysis can often be the kiss of death. Combine that with my acute lack of attention to detail and my inability to sometimes pay attention at all and well, let's just say, I never had too many BFF's. I'm better one on one and although I have many friends; I try hard to maintain a quality relationship with each of them. I feel like I am failing miserably in this arena, especially as of late, but I do try. When they are important to me, I try. I just wish that I could let more things go as quickly as some people can.
As an intuitive person, and I am, combined with being sensitive, I find it interesting when people say, "Oh you don't let anything bother you" or "I wish I could let things go that fast." Ironically, I must put up a pretty good front, but, if I were to analyze my own actions, what I'd truthfully say is, I really don't give a shit about what people think of me UNLESS they are someone whose opinions and beliefs I value and then of course, it hurts. Constructive criticism is misleading I think, well, let's just agree that it can be. It's like a backhanded compliment. Oh your hair looks really nice, BUT and all we hear is what follows the "but." To be effectively constructively critical, damn that was a mouthful, I think that you must understand the role that the person plays in your life and how that person's criticism is a direct reflection of the role that they play. Once you understand it, then you are less likely to judge them for evaluating your words or actions or your life. By examining the individual roles that each of my friends play in my life, I can understand where the criticism comes from and because I value their perspective I can then listen objectively. At least that is what I think. But, when someone offers up criticism, even if you think that person is close to you, sometimes it is an insult bound by bubble wrap. And, if you are anything like me, you whip out a knife, pop that mother fucking bubble wrap and go straight to the heart of the matter. Being impulsive, this certainly has its drawbacks as I have jumped to conclusions in which I was completely wrong. When that happens, I try to rectify the problem. But when it happens and I realize that it was not constructive nor even criticism, but a blatant attack or a jab, then, I shift into warrior mode and, I take no prisoners.
Part of the reason why I despise self help books and I have discussed this before, is the notion that there are blanket solutions to problems. And while I realize that Psychology is a science, I also realize that it is a buffet and there are bits and pieces that compliment my particular personality, my learning style, my needs and my perception about people and life. Self help books independently speak to certain issues, one at a time, but that doesn't help me because my brain is a tornado of issues all the time, sprinkled with half truths, splintered analysis, emotional distress and a mind that never seems to shut down. I will admit, it is hard to be objective when you lost the objectivity playing piece in the game. It's there, but it's hiding, amidst the rubble, the problems, the feelings, the other friends' opinions and my own impetus for wanting to "live in the moment." That in itself creates issues. Self help books speak to the masses but not to the individual, at least that is how I see it. There is no end all to life's problems and whenever I pass that aisle in the bookstore I think I'd like to sit down and cut and paste pieces from several books to get the "right" answer to whatever question brought me over there in the first place.
The thing is, I don't aim for inner peace. I think that pain, sorrow, disappointment and suffering bond us together as human beings just as much as, if not more, love, growth, joy and celebration. When I empathize with the deep sorrow that another human being is experiencing, I feel myself grow as a person and my empathy for others deepens through that exchange. When I celebrate a friend's birthday or anniversary or the birth of a child, those events too shape me in a way that allows me to feel joy for others. Ultimately though, we work through life as we move toward death and because we don't know when that is coming, well, certainly some do unfortunately, we hold on to and strive for the moments of peace. But in the end, when we all suffer loss and we face death, even before our own, we are bound together in a way that celebratory events don't provide. At the most basic level, we are nothing more than the worst moments that we all share. When a child is taken or a woman is raped or a family is killed in an accident, it reaches into the depth of what makes us human. And I don't feel any stronger connection to people than I do when I offer my love and service and care in their darkest moments. Anyone can be happy for a moment, but it takes a person a lifetime to really, truly understand why a person is afraid or lonely or sad. It takes wisdom and time and an experience that most of us, myself included, will never understand. It's why we cry when we watch the stories on CNN or we see the devastation that is wrought by a young man in a small town and the endless despair that follows it. Life is beautiful, yes, it can be, but life is ugly and painful and isolating and I think that it is when we recognize those moments and face them head on, with the help of other people, that we begin to form a human bond that nothing can break. When I turn to you and say, I know what you are going through and I mean it then, I can say that I am at peace.
I'm not a jealous person, never have been. I don't wonder whether or not my husband is looking at other women or, by virtue of that, off in a hotel room fucking one. I don't wish I lived in someone else's house with someone else's life. I don't covet other people's cars or money or vacation homes. Sure, I'd like to have some things that I don't have, but I don't think by taking something from you that it gives me more and so I am not jealous. I get better by learning from and by watching others get better. Good begets good in this case. So when someone tells me that they are jealous of something that I am doing or the way I am through their petty words and bubble wrapped intention, I whip out my knife and start popping... People who say they have a thick skin probably do, but they also probably got that thickness through years of piled up scar tissue. The jabs, insults or careless remarks hurt the worst when they were first hurled and then, after time, they began to seem less harmful, innocuous even as the tissue built up. So, by the time that they tell you that they have thick skin, it's from years of practice. Little jabs hurt the most, at least to me, when they come out of context. If my brother makes some little comment, I may let it go because he is my brother and he always makes little comments. So in a way, I expect that and I'm ready for it. But when someone says something that is intended to cause insult or harm and it is out of context, clearly it is because they are working through their own issues. Remember that saying, well, I'm not going to say it exactly right, but something like, "The worst cooks always yell the loudest that their food isn't done right..." that is my point today. Those who would hurl a stone without provocation, without context and with mal intent, well, they are not friends of mine, no matter the history. And while there may be moments of regret later on, I will hold fast to the notion that I wish them no harm or ill will and that I will always hope the best for them. I will no longer speak of them, but if I do, it will not be with malice. I just wish, deep down, that either I didn't take things so personally or that more people, again ironically, because I don't follow my own advice, would sincerely think before they speak.
Having rambled incoherently, I will say that the last few years have brought more love and friendship into my life than I had ever expected. I have become part of a society of people that push forward the causes that matter in life and I am eternally grateful for the inclusion. I wish more people would take the opportunities as they come instead of waiting until there is no time left to consider them. And to the friends who have taken the time to support my endeavors, without prejudice or judgment, may I say, from the depths of this conflicted heart, that you have my endless gratitude and loyalty. Surely, if there was ever a moment when you felt that I overstepped the boundaries of our relationship, I would welcome your comments openly and I would try hard not to over-analyze. I said try, no one is perfect.
Lastly, sometimes it takes a lifetime to realize that some relationships are not what they once were and while that is fine, that it is not acceptable to hold on to something that no longer works if I myself am not willing to put in the time to make it work. If my sensitivity to someone's words seems excessive, it is probably because I should have distanced myself long before it got to that point, either that, or I should have addressed the issues sooner. Mountain out of a molehill or just a long goodbye, either way, I should probably lessen my cold medication intake... goodnight.
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