Ah, what can be read into that title; I suppose that is why I chose it. Last week I went to Zumba class for the third time. There is an ongoing class on Tuesday nights at Alta Vista park that a friend introduced us to and which I've been able to attend three times now. When the class was over last week, I took a few extra minutes, drove down to the beach, got out, sat on one of the walls alongside the Esplanade and considered the day, the class, all of it.
When our ParT2 to Coronado team finished the Ragnar Relay in April, I swore to myself that I would "keep it going;" that I would keep running and look for the next race, enjoying what I had done in LA and at the Ragnar, but alas, I did not and after Zumba last week, I thought about why I hadn't. The ironic thing is that I LOVE to exercise. It might not always look like that on my face, but the tougher the workout, the better I respond. I especially step up to endurance activities that require me to be as mentally fit as physically fit. Running had never been my favorite activity, but in the past couple of years, it has steadily become one of the staples in my "active" life. I suppose I could chalk it up to the daily day to day of my life, the time crunches, the kids, insert other excuses here. Steadily I stopped running, stopped going to yoga and stopped working out at the gym. And then, vacation came, for three weeks I did nothing but camp, eat, drink and have fun. When it came time to do something, I knew that I needed some help. Enter Matt, one of the trainers at Elite Fitness.
I believe that just because you want something badly enough, that is not enough to make it happen. Maybe you believe that too. The desire to get it drives you, but you have to have a plan. Jerry and Rachel have taught me that. You have to have a concrete goal and a real plan and you have to accept that there are going to be bumps along the way, obstacles to keep you from getting to the end of the road. And, that at some point, you have to ask yourself if this is something that you really want or if you are simply just giving it lip service. Either way, if the feeling persists and there is a nagging feeling that something is out of sorts, then you can only ignore it for so long.
Tim and I are having problems. We've been together for 22 years now, married for 19 and although people tell me that it's normal, it's bound to happen with two people who have been together for a long time, I am still struggling with it and I know that he is too. Maybe this too is ironic as marriage is certainly an endurance activity... I guess I think of it in terms of how much I get out of doing something that is good for me and that makes me feel good and for awhile now, that something has not included Tim. The same things plague our marriage that plague my health/fitness goals: time issues, laziness, selfishness, narcissism, exhaustion and the list goes on. So, in order to conquer some of these issues that are driving a wedge between us, we probably need an objective third party. Just like Matt, my trainer was; someone who will look me in the face and say, "HEY! Don't eat that!" or, in the case of our marriage, "HEY! Stop being such a bitch." Well, the therapist probably won't say that, but he/she will certainly think that sometimes.
There is a continuity in exercise that bends the will, in an activity so challenging that you cannot focus on anything else while you are in the throes of doing it. Marriage should be the same. Sure, there are distractions; people open a door, someone coughs, a weight gets dropped, a car honks, kids scream, the phone rings, bills arrive in the mail, family members become ill, jobs are lost... at the end though, when you stretch it out, when you say goodnight, isn't what we feel then a kind of relief? A kind of releasing of good feelings, both physical and mental? If exercise releases endorphins, so too does having a real bond with the person who is closest to you. I talk about marriage now because I am married, but I see this issue between friends, lovers, parents and their children, really anyone who loves someone else and who is as concerned about their well being as their own.
I want to keep moving forward; I want to be better, stronger, happier and I want Tim to be there with me. At some point, we all have to acknowledge that we are who we are because of the people in our lives and even with all of the things that bother me about myself, I recognize that the person I am, the goodness that I feel and the woman that I have become, in large part is due to his commitment to me - to his desire to help me be whoever I was going to become when we first got together. He accepted that and he has helped me to do that. Don't get me wrong, he is a major pain in the ass too, but that part of a marriage, that kind of thinking comes with the territory...
Matt has helped me to get back on track. He is a fun, motivated and cruel (not really) trainer and he will be there, or Jerry, or Rachel, or Kelsey, when and if I need to go back. Well, I do need to go back, but I am going to try to move forward on my own here. I'm learning, even though I knew this, that the journey is made up of MANY helping hands and that crossing the finish line only means that there is another one, not too far beyond it. And, that no one gets there alone.
Marriage is a marathon, maybe an Ultra marathon and we're at Mile 18. We just need to get past the wall...
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