I cut my hair off yesterday, about five inches or so... drastic, dramatic and much needed. The act of changing some physical aspect of yourself with one swift action, with no real premeditation, with no concern for what anyone will think... liberating.
Three years ago, I went to Vegas for my 40th birthday and I went alone. I had offers for parties and what not and a couple of good friends offered to go with me, but, in the end, I told Tim what I wanted. I wanted to wake up when I wanted to, I wanted to sit at the Blackjack table when I wanted to, I wanted to eat when I wanted to and for one weekend I didn't want to have to answer to anyone or to have to organize anything. I wanted to lay by the pool, get a massage, read my book and I wanted to sit by myself. And so I did and it was one of the best experiences I have ever had on vacation or, for that matter, on one of my birthdays. My flight home left around 7 pm and I was spending the afternoon walking through the mall, shopping, just biding my time when I decided, impetuously, impulsively, to get a tattoo. I had considered it for awhile, but the longer I thought about it, the more reasons and excuses I would come up with for why I shouldn't, why I couldn't, why I really didn't NEED to...
Being impulsive has its benefits. Spontaneity abounds when impulsivity is present. Some of the best sex that Tim and I have ever had is the kind where there is no premeditation and that has been difficult raising three children who seem ever present in the house. I have always touted myself as a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of girl. So I suddenly found myself in a tattoo parlor, perusing, gasping as some of the clients who were lying prone on tables showed me their new "art." The girl in front of me was having two lines from a Shakespearean sonnet tattooed along her hairline from ear to ear. I was both impressed and in pain from watching the needle strike her neck. I was so engaged in what I was watching that I didn't hear the man behind the counter ask me if he could help me. I looked up. I know I was 40 and he was probably 25, but he was what I would have called, "smoking hot." I know that has no real relevance to the story, but it made the thought of him permanently marking my body with ink all the more appealing. I regained my composure and once I started talking, I realized hottie was just like anybody else, just doing his job. We talked about what I was "into" and what part of my body I'd like to have done (pause here for effect). I'm kidding. I decided on a Kanji symbol and there were many that I liked. He touched the computer screen in front of the counter and turned it toward me. We chatted about the meanings and putting more than one symbol together and finally I decided on the one that means Strength. I liked the double meaning, strength, both internal and external. Easy enough.
My back has always been my favorite body part. I am built just like my Dad and I am a physically strong person, but even back when I was a teenager, I liked my back. That's where I wanted the tattoo. Just below my neck, at the top, maybe even so I could add something else later. I told hottie tattoo guy, he said great and led me over to the chair. I sat down facing away from him and I swear, in the space of a minute or two, the top of my sweater was pulled down, covered and he was sketching on my skin...
It's a small tattoo, about the size of a silver dollar, in black of course and I LOVE it. It summed up everything that was fantastic about my 40th year and every time I see it in the mirror, I think independence, freedom, power, love - it leads me to all kinds of stories that were told within the scope of that year. I ran my first marathon that year, I turned 40, I lost 25 pounds; there were many things about the whole experience of beginning a new decade that were and are wrapped up in that little black symbol...
So cutting my hair, really, I've had short hair before, but the symbolism of it is the same as that of the tattoo - a new direction while not caring about anything other than who I am and what I want. I've given this notion quite a bit of thought over the years, especially being the kind of person who can often come across as indifferent or arrogant or however people have seen me in certain situations. The thing is, change, physical or otherwise just speaks to that part of my personality that lets other people know that I don't care what anyone else thinks; I mean that. I don't care. I don't care if people like me, I don't care if they hate my clothes. I don't care if they think I'm a shitty parent or a bad wife. I don't care because unless my actions or my behavior affect someone else's life, or their children or their marriage, then they have no right to comment on who I am or what I choose to do. And I was very tired of people trying to do that. I realized, some time ago that it's okay to not like someone and to not want to be their friend, doesn't mean that I have to be cruel or talk about them behind their back. Nope, just no thank you and off I go. And I'm raising my children to be the same way. I believe that self confidence comes from the simple idea that "one shouldn't give a fuck what anyone else thinks." Of course I care about my family and friends and their opinions matter, but they love me unconditionally, they accept my weaknesses and my flaws and I choose carefully who I allow into my "inner" sanctum. So, I expect that their opinions and comments will often not jive with my own and that's okay because I care about them and who they are in my life. Everyone else can jump ship.
I don't believe in placating or pacifying people just for the sake of being the "nice" guy and I also don't believe in doing something for the sake of doing it. I don't go to parties if I don't like the person who invited me and I don't shop at stores where I don't like the products being sold. That seems fairly logical to me. Ty gets a lot of boo-boos. He is 5 and an active boy... enough said. One of the important lessons that I've learned as a mother, from watching other mothers do the exact opposite of what I do, is that when Ty cries, even if he isn't physically hurt, let's just say he cries because he is sad that someone won't play with him or share a toy or because he got punished, whatever the reason,
it's okay to let him cry. I will hold him and I will kiss his face or whisper soothing words, but I just let him cry. For the LIFE of me, I cannot understand how parents can get mad at kids when they yell, "Stop crying! Stop being a baby!" or even if they just say, "Don't cry, come on, stop crying, it's okay." I don't get that. Just let them cry; teach them that it's okay to cry, it's okay to let it out. It's okay to hurt, to feel bad, to be sad. Otherwise, don't they just end up keeping it in? So I hold Ty and I let him work it out for himself. That is what my family and friends do that acquaintances don't - they let me be who I am, haircuts, tattoos, chubby, thinner, marathons, no marathons... whatever.
Sometimes being dramatic just means making a change. That change could be small, could be huge or it could simply be looking at something and saying, that's the way I see it, end of story.
You cannot care what other people think because if you do, you will spend your life trying to please them and that never works out. As a teacher, I don't do anything to jeopardize my job and as a mother, I don't do anything to harm my children, but if I believe in something and I want to do it... I'm doing it. I hope my children take that lesson to heart; I hope they leave our home one day and approach the world as a buffet and that they purposefully stay away from the foods that will ultimately give them diarrhea. Instead, I hope they feast on those that flourish and are lovely and giving, those that will help them to thrive instead of poisoning them and I hope they will have learned enough to know the difference between the two...
It was time for a change... another change. Remember, it doesn't matter what you look like or what you wear - it really is who you are, how you carry yourself, standing by your beliefs... self confidence matters, patience matters, kindness and loyalty, honesty and experience matter. Everything else... that's negotiable.
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