Superheroes...

I don't believe in Wonder Woman or Batgirl. I don't believe in sidekicks. I don't believe in playing second fiddle to anyone, in any capacity, ever. I don't believe in "can't." I don't believe in excuses. I don't believe in jealousy or envy. I don't believe in hypocrisy. I don't believe in cruelty or holding a grudge. I don't believe in elitism, sexism, racism or in any kind of discrimination. I don't believe in apathy or sloth. I don't believe in diets or deprivation. I don't believe in immorality or character defamation. I don't believe in division, among any lines. I don't believe in slander or gossip. I don't believe in assigning blame and I certainly don't believe in any organization, group or business that creates policies that foster inequality on any level.

In death we are all equal; there are no color lines, nor are there factors that make us feel as though we are "less." In death, we all face the unknown, the uncertain; we become vulnerable to the "what if?" In death, you take my hand and I take yours and we walk into the beyond as one, as equals. We are the same. Why then do we not do this while we live? Why do you not take my hand and tell me, with your eyes and with your heart and with your friendship and love, that we are the same.

I believe in truth and hope. I believe in goodness and kindness and joy. I believe in young people. I believe in God. I believe in growth and movement. I believe that chocolate and red wine should be consumed every day, if not twice a day. I believe that many people die too soon because they don't have someone to touch them, hug them, hold their hands. I believe in stories, in books, in art, in music. I believe in protesting and standing up for your rights. I believe in education and the idea that the acquisition of knowledge is a shared endeavor between teachers and students. I believe that kissing a baby, even one that is not your own, heals you in some way. I believe that at least once in your life, you should have the opportunity to feel as though you are standing just a bit taller than every other human being on the planet, even if it is just for a second. I believe in traditions and spirituality. I believe in smoking pot once in awhile and I certainly believe that more sex is not only called for, but necessary, for everyone who wants it. I believe that words are power and freedom and strength.

I have a quasi-addiction to people; I tend to hold on to them, whether they want me to or not. I have an innate need to know about them and once I do, I decide whether or not they will contribute some value to my life. If I feel that they do, then they become a permanent piece of my consciousness. And even if I have no continued contact or correspondence with them, they remain a part of that energy that makes up my mind and my soul. If I feel that they will do nothing but destroy and tear at the fabric that makes me who I am, then I cut off contact, but, maybe ironically, they also stay with me. Sometimes it's as this kind of idea, as something that I could have fixed or as if they were a part of this hypothetical situation which I was also a part of and in which we just couldn't seem to come to an agreement. So we parted ways. I feed off of other people's stories, off of what makes them human, what makes them hurt, what makes them happy, what motivates them to do what they do. As a result of this, I have been able to create for myself a 42 year old tapestry that is colorful yet frayed; one that hangs on a neverending wall. It is a scene that began to take shape many years ago and is just now becoming visible. The Fates are weaving my story as it happens, not before...

If the three sisters let me sit at the loom for a moment, there is much that I would add. There is so much that I would add. 42 years gone, yet how many more to go?

I would like to live many lives. Maybe that is possible; I don't know. If it is, I hope that I learn something, that I have learned something from previous experience and I wish to keep growing, to keep evolving, to keep hoping that life will continue. I would like to tell every person who is in my life even for the briefest time, that they are there for a reason; that our paths have crossed for some greater purpose. I would like for those in my life to know how important they are to me, even if I fail to visit often enough, or to send birthday cards or to call when I say I will. I would like to think that they know. I would like that, but then I turn and five years has passed and I realize that maybe they didn't know that. Maybe I should have said it, and maybe I should have showed up and maybe they need me to call. And then I vow to try harder. And sometimes I succeed. And, sometimes I fail miserably.

I don't often react to situations and events immediately; I am not prone to bursting into tears or grabbing someone and sobbing heartbrokenly. I will sometimes sit for months and think about a person or an event and it is only when I have some distance and some time that I can really internalize it or them and then I react. I have found myself curled up in the fetal position on my kitchen floor a year after a friend has passed or a pet went missing. I just recently found myself weeping as I washed the dishes, thinking about the diagnosis of cancer in a friend that happened over a year ago. I'm not at all sure about why there is this delayed reaction. And sometimes, often, my reactions come out in words, in writing, in a kind of subtletly that doesn't always seem appropriate to the situation. More often than not I don't cry at funerals. Maybe it's like that for a lot of people. I just find that I have to react in my own time, in my own way and then I have to try to figure out how to take that information and make something better, something positive out of it. Maybe it is my coping mechanism. Maybe it is my defense mechanism. Maybe it is what I hate the most, maybe it is an excuse to not have to own those feelings.

I believe that for every moment that I'm given, I am under an obligation to live that moment to the fullest, whether that be in sadness or in joy and that I am obliged to live my life as an example of what it is I stand for, as an example of what I believe. And that when people meet me, when they get to know me, they will know what those things are that I hold the most dear.

When I was a teenager, I used to keep a diary. I used to think a lot about what I was going to do with my life and I felt, I sincerely felt that I was supposed to do something. I didn't know what it was and frankly, I still don't know what it is. But I feel very deeply that, like all of us, I have a distinct purpose in this lifetime and it is my responsibility to figure out what that is and to then fulfill it. It may take my whole life or multiple lifetimes to figure it out, but there is a deep seeded need in me to find it. It doesn't make me anything, not better, not less than anyone else; it just makes my journey worth living. And I plan on living every single day of this journey with as much zeal and hope and fortitude and strength and every other adjective that is a synonym for energy, that I can. And I hope that every person who crosses my path senses it and that they know that I am here, even in those moments that I fail: to write, to visit, to meet for coffee. I will be here when it matters the most. And I will remember you and I will feel your pain and I will carry it with me. I will carry you with me, always.

Is it possible to love someone into healing? Is it possible to smile them into remission? Is it possible to hug them into success? I don't know; all I know is I sure would like to try. I sure would like to try.

Superheroes? No, don't believe in them. Miracles? Absolutely. Look around you; they are happening every single minute of every single day. Be one, share one, give one. My three are upstairs sleeping. They are my greatest gift and my most worthwhile adventure and all I ever want is to be someone who they can be proud to call their mother. I continue to try.

A former student passed away last week and she was on my mind while I wrote this. I hope that her children remember all that was wonderful about her. I hope that their lives continue on in the light of what she created for them and that this tragedy doesn't devastate who she would have wanted them to be. I hope that her legacy lives on in them, in all that was the very best of who she was. I hope that she is at peace.

Live, don't just exist. And don't wait for Superman to come along and save you. He might be waylaid... make it happen for yourself. Make it happen for all of us.

For Daisy Viera.