Self doubt

Self doubt is like the craving that you have for the substance that you just spent 90 days in rehab trying to forget...she never quite knows when to quit. A fickle mistress I suppose. Having other people share their criticisms and doubts about what you are doing or thinking is bad enough, but when you start or continue to do it to yourself? Might as well call Dr. Drew right now.

I was playing futsol last week (indoor soccer) for the football challenged and I almost got into a fight toward the end of the match. Now, it would seem that I was the instigator because... I was. I shoved one of the girls on the other team and really, I make no excuses for it. It's a rough game and I had gotten knocked around a bit and I was pissed off. Most of the time when this sort of rough play happens, I let it go. But not this time; this time, I was pissed off and it showed in how I responded. Next thing I know, she's all in an uproar, even though the ref had blown his whistle and called a foul. But she was pissed too and I heard her say, "What was that?" and I mouthed under my breath, "Payback." Well, that was probably the wrong thing to say because then "IT WAS ON" and she was coming at me. Of course, I didn't help the situation by flapping my arms and shouting, "Bring it on!" But then, her teammate stepped in front of her and mine in front of me and I thought the whole thing was kind of funny because, what? Was I really going to fight a girl from the opposing team in the futsol league, in front of my children who were watching the game? Of course not, but, I was going to irritate her nonetheless, so I taunted her by smiling and waving at her behind my teammate's back until I just kind of gave up and subbed out for the last couple of minutes of the match. When it was over, we all shook hands, but when I held mine out to her she just looked at it and said, "Yeah right." Understandable I guess, but then again, we're adults and while you can be pissed off on the field, best just to let it go after the game is over. At least that's what I thought. But now, my mistress having had time to consider her next move and to slide into the latent guilt ridden part of my temporal lobe, I am doubting myself and I feel compelled to apologize to her for my actions. I justify this by saying that it is for my children's benefit, but really I know that deep down, it's to quell the rising urge, that feeling that I am to blame - that I did something wrong.

A lot of times when I did something wrong as a kid and then I apologized to my mom, she'd say, "You're not sorry" and while I didn't really understand why she wouldn't accept my apology, I understand it now; in a skewered kind of way. The seeds of self-doubt are planted inside of those who feel or have the need to be accepted or loved by someone else, to the point where said person cares very deeply about what that other person thinks of them. In this example, it is my mother. In the thousands of other examples that come to mind, I can name everyone from the priest who gave me my first Holy Communion to the dog that we had when we were kids. What I've come to learn though, through my trials and in my journey is that the reason why I still feel self doubt sometimes is because I never told myself or gave myself permission to fuck up. Even though I regularly did, I've never allowed myself the freedom to say, "You made a mistake or you did something stupid, now, let it go." Instead, it's some kind of incessant need to hold onto all of the things that I've done where someone else was judging me. I don't like to be judged, clearly and although I am certainly guilty of judging people, I think it also fair to say that I am probably one of the most accepting people that you will ever meet. Don't believe in God? Okay... Republican? Um, okay... Like to have sex with chickens? Hmmm, wear a condom? Anyway, I digress, but the self doubt thing... she's a bitch and I'd like to see her disappear altogether.

When I was in high school, and I use those four years as an example here only because I changed a great deal during that time and right after as well. But, it was in those years that I began to formulate my own ideas about the world and issues that were going to be important to me and which, still are; I made a lot of mistakes. I also made some of my lifelong friends during that period and it has been interesting and hilarious to be a part of their lives as all of ours have changed over the years. Popularity fades as does beauty and even sentimentality for many, but memories, dear God, some of the memories still make me laugh and cry, even to this day. So, from 14-18, I learned about tolerance and freedom and experimentation and politics and allegory and I learned about having doubts. So, I suppose that in this time, a crucial learning time, one would have to fight against the very thing that most teenagers desperately want - acceptance, in order to ward off the vicious bitch known as self doubt. Because the conclusion that I've come to and I'm not sure when it happened, but it did, is that the only way to not doubt yourself is to not give a flying fuck what other people think about you and what you're doing; at least to the point where their opinions and/or criticisms begin to alter your belief system.

Am I a Catholic because I was raised one? Am I a Democrat because I wasn't raised one? Am I a feminist because I didn't want my place to be "just in the kitchen?" Am I a humanist because I'm so tired of all the nonsense that is perpetuated by the ridiculous simpletons who daily claim that they know what's "best" for this country because they belong to "THE" organization whatever the hell that happens to be? Or, am I a humanist because it sickens me to think that there are children dying every single day in the world and yet the rate of obesity in this country alone is so staggering that people are going on television shows to try to "win" the help that they need to manage it? Am I a hypocrite because I believe in God and in Jesus Christ but that I have my doubts about religious institutions?

You know what, I'm going to recant a bit here; maybe it's good to doubt something that in your mind and your heart you have reservations about, but maybe it's not good to doubt your own brain or heart when it comes to passing judgement on why you feel that way. Because sometimes, there is no explanation; sometimes you just do feel that way. I liken it to being a parent. If needed, you would do whatever you had to, to protect or save them from harm or danger and you wouldn't care what anyone thought or said about it, either good or bad. You'd do it because it was the right thing to do, for you, in that moment, with that child. And there it is. Be yourself and make mistakes and sometimes, apologize and sometimes feel bad or guilty or shameful or whatever, but don't doubt yourself because that just leads to late night blogging and everyone knows that no good can come of that...

All I know is that I don't know a whole hell of a lot and it makes for some interesting moments... BRING IT ON!