I don't know what's going on lately; the universe that I've known seems to have shifted and what was once comprehensible is now something misshapen and somewhat distorted. I saw a photo of a Stop sign in a middle eastern country and it was red and octagon shaped so my brain understood that it signified Stop even though I didn't and can't read the language. That's how I'm seeing my life right now I guess. I recognize the shapes: people, places, events but the language and the intent and even the meanings are not always what I think they are. And this both confuses and irritates me. I'm highly irritable anyway, easily annoyed, often frustrated... I thought for a long time that I was just "moody," which I am, but I'm beginning to understand that it's much more than that. Terms like depressed, anxious, bipolar, attention deficit have come into the analysis that most likely will result in a diagnosis of some kind. But more than that, they are helping me to understand that I don't think the way that you or you or you do because my brain doesn't function like yours does. Until I come to grips with that and until you do too, there's no sense pursuing any kind of relationship. It's a lost cause.
I mention or ramble here because recently I had an encounter with a friend who has been a friend for most of my life, some 30 years and, we had a misunderstanding. And although I didn't see the situation in the way that she did and vice versa, I thought about both of our reactions and I apologized. At first I thought that I apologized because it was the "right" thing to do; you hurt someone's feelings, you say you're sorry. Very elementary school. But now, after the fact, I realize that it was more than that; it is more than that. It wasn't about hurt feelings. It was about my lack of understanding where she was coming from and her lack of understanding from where I spoke. Common enough I think. And our friendship, although lengthy, some 30 years has waned to more of a acquaintance type relationship. We see each other once in awhile and seemingly pick up where we left off and this is how it's been. We don't plan things, we don't vacation together, our children don't know each other. But there is a history there; a very important one, at least for me. She was a vital part of a time in my life when most of my ideas about life, love and friendship were formed. Her support and humor and drive helped me to often be better, to have more fun, to not take shit from anyone. Her zest to live in the moment has stayed with me through the years and, without consciously realizing it, has prompted me to take on things that I might never have considered before. And most of all, best of all, my teenage years are wrapped up in memories of experiences that we shared together. So, regardless of the years that have gone on since and all of the time that has passed, I always think of her as a friend and she would be there for me if I needed her to be. I still think that.
When this misunderstanding took place, I was surprised and shocked by her immediate response and her note made me think that something wasn't quite right with how she reacted. Maybe that was my interpretation, but maybe, not. If friends can support, then they should be able to criticize as well, equally. And, since I'm not one to mince words and I'm very "direct" I would think that those who know me best, accept that about me. But therin lies the dig... she doesn't understand and either she didn't then or she thought that I wasn't worth the effort and it was THAT reaction that saddened me, still does. That reaction makes me wonder if she even considers me a friend anymore and if she does, what will our next interaction be like...
It's ironic because I'm very much a people person; I like to be around people, I like to have conversations, I like to do things... but, I have to be in the right frame of mind, or mood as most people would say. If I'm not, if I'm in the "state" that I often am, people don't understand me and they often read my reactions as something other than what they are. The thing is, I can't mask it. It's like trying to tone down rage; not anger or frustration, but full on, body clenching rage. Call it what it is, react, try to do damage control. I don't intentionally try to hurt people's feelings, maybe that's the point I'm trying to make. I say things, I think things, I react, I'm impulsive, but I'm honest and, I know, that the people who are in my life are honest with me too. And sometimes it hurts and sometimes I lose friends, but I guess in the end, it's better to be honest with yourself than to put on some kind of pretentious bullshit show that makes you seem like you are more enlightened than everyone around you; that you are happier than everyone when really, on some level, you know that it's all a lie. Because no one is that happy all the time. And if they are, I want some of what they are taking.
I go to therapy now and I really like it. I exercise more and I like that too. I try to do things that feed the part of my brain that wants to be positive and when I don't, I subdue it with chocolate or alcohol. It's 5:00 somewhere...
It's tough not knowing exactly what makes you tick because if you did, it would be much easier to "fix." A stepford Yvette maybe; what might she be like? Complacent, obedient, complimentary... I can't stand her already. Less wrinkles; that I would take. Wax on philosophical, that' what a blog is for, bitch about the bad, praise the good and shy away from the ugly. Then again, what would be the point of all of it if everything was sugar coated, without stress, or pain or disappointment? What if I didn't say what I thought in order not to hurt anyone's feelings, intentional or not, ever? What would that life look like?
In the end I guess, friendship is a reward and a consequence for someone like me, really, with someone like me. If you understand where I'm coming from, then you get it and, if not, maybe because you deign that I'm not worth the effort, I can accept that too. I don't have to like it and it's not that it won't hurt, but at least, we'll have been honest with one another. And, I may be many things, good and bad, but gladly I can say, I am an honest person. Lesson learned; never post a comment on facebook that someone may misread or take the wrong way. Hmmm... I guess I'm never posting anything again...
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