Customer Service

I stood behind a woman today at Baskin Robbins who made the girl behind the counter scoop her out another "double" because the girl put the Rocky Road on top of the Vanilla instead of the other way around. Interestingly though, the woman never asked in the first place for specific ice cream placement. Nor, was she polite about it. The girl, Jeanine was more than gracious and as I watched the customer leave the premises without a "thank you" or even a smile of appreciation to Jeanine, I was catapulted back in time to my own life experience in customer service; just as I was reminded of instances daily where customers are not just rude to employees of various establishments, but where there is an air of superiority about them that only reinforces my thesis (if I ever write one on the subject) that the average person should, as a mandate, work in the service industry for a prolonged period of time, at least once in their lifetime. When this period is over, they will be evaluated by a panel comprised of their bosses, their peers and all of the customers (who would, fairly,)consist of every employee that they had ever treated like shit in their daily quest to purchase something or to have a meal or to obtain a service. An "eye for an eye"in service, if you will.

I lived a lifetime in restaurants; at least that's how it felt all those years that I waited on tables. There was my indoctrination; training by a superior, mastering the technique and the multi-tasking required to provide excellent service. There was my own rigorous individual test in which I was sent out on a solo mission; an evening spent balancing, pacing, running, calculating, smiling, bantering, placating, flirting, laughing, crying and several other "ings" that might not be appropriate to mention at this juncture. Lastly, came the schedule, where I was placed according to senority and sometimes by rank, skill and how short the skirt was that I was required to wear at the given establishment. By the time that I reached the pinnacle of my food-serving career, I was training new servers, baptizing them in the waters of social immortality; teaching them how to navigate and to succeed amongst the heathens. In the end, I was hopeful that someone would learn something from my experience and even more from my mistakes.

I worked with some of the most fascinating, interesting and ecletic people you would ever hope to meet: Ph.d candidates, servicemen, high school dropouts, drug addicts, nurses, mothers, fathers, friends. And, I watched and felt many things in those years from 18-23. I watched friends marry, have babies, get promoted, move away. I watched them make bad decisions, great decisions and sometimes, painfully, no decision at all. I watched some of them love and lose and unfortunately, die. I learned how to receive praise and to garner others with it and I treasured those moments when I could sit with my friends after work and share stories of how heinous the night was or how wonderful the lunch rush was. I watched people get cancer, get fat, get sober, get religion, get hired, get fired, get themselves to a place where they could stay for the rest of their lives. I made some lifelong connections by waiting on people, by serving the public, by having the great opportunity to provide a meaningful service to someone who I might never have met or ever would see again. And, even on my worst days, I valued every moment that I got to do that and I miss it, I really miss it.

Manners aside, it shames me as a human being when people are unkind to those who are trying to do a job. Albeit, some of them should not be working in customer service as they are both inept and inexcusably rude. This probably goes without saying, but the majority of employees out there are just trying to function, to do a job that, especially right now, they don't want to be doing. They might be having a shitty day too and then they have to deal with "Rocky Road placement" over there. Or maybe they have to deal with the woman who writes a check for two items, who refused to let you go ahead of her because your 3 year old is screaming, "I need to pee, I need to pee" and who then bites his brother on the leg in an effort to release some of the bladder tension. Or, possibly, they might have to deal with the woman who insists that the coffee isn't "hot enough" even though the owner brewed her a fresh pot right in front of her face. Or the customer who pulls out a hundred dollar bill before ordering his meal and who then tells his girlfriend to order up to 98.00 worth of stuff and you KNOW you're getting screwed out of a tip on that one. Let me pause here for a second and tell you, if someone does their job and that job requires you to tip them, tip them AT LEAST 20%. I don't care what the fucking law says or what the unwritten rule is. IF THEY DO THEIR JOB IN A TIMELY AND APPROPRIATE MANNER, TIP THEM AT LEAST 20 PERCENT. Let that be your new guideline for going out. Because, let me tell you, for every good tip someone gets, they get at least 4 or 5 shitty ones and that means that they have to then pay for you being a cheap bastard by claiming tips that they did not make on their W-2 form but that they SHOULD HAVE MADE but didn't because you were an asshole. I am not saying that if the Baskin Robbins girl or the drycleaner or the guy at Starbucks has a tip jar out that you should automatically throw in your change or any other singles that you might have. Hey, my kid is never going to get any money unless he asks right, even if he knows I'm going to say no, he still tries, by asking. No, I'm saying that if you are out to dinner or drinks or the theater or the valet or using any other service where the employee must claim his/her tips as part of their taxable income, then you owe it to them, to give them that courtesy. And trust me, that extra two bucks or even ten bucks isn't going to be the end of you and if it is, then you shouldn't be going out in the first place. So go to Vons and stock up on Lean Cuisines because, if you are like most of America, you're heading toward obesity anyway, but that's a topic for another day. They provide a service, you pay accordingly. And, by the way, most of the "servers" and others who provide customer service are either A)students working their way through school B)trying to support themselves and pay bills on minimum wage or C)trying to support and raise a family on minimum wage. So, by that deduction, think of what you are cheating them out of just because you think that they didn't give you "exceptional" service and, I know for a fact, even when they do, many people do not reward employees accordingly.

Working in restaurants, because that is my personal experience, has trained me to do anything in my life. I understand the fundamental nature of people by working with and working for a vast blend of human beings who one might never encounter their whole lives, even if they were looking for them. Let me show you. There's the manager who lets you sneak food when he thinks no one is looking. The busboy who clears that extra table at the end of the night because you always slip him another 5 bucks, even when you don't have it. The trainer who treats her profession as if it is just that: she's punctual, accurate, polite, exact and she never makes mistakes. The hostess who has just turned 16 and who has aptly earned the nickname "jailbait." The couple, who sneaks looks and grabass when they think no one has any clue that they are together, but who everyone knows is together. The bookkeeper who is probably the glue that holds the place together because the manager is always at meetings or doing some other trivial thing while he pretends to be working. The cashier who always has a joke for you when you bring a check by and who wishes that she had more time to chat and at the same time, a job that required a little more thought so she brings books to read in her downtime which is plenty. The bartender who everyone wants to fuck at sometime during their tenure there and that includes both men and women, maybe even at the same time; if the office Christmas party was really good that year. And the customers, oh, the customers. Those who don't tip well are traditionally those who don't go out much, for whatever reason so they are socially stunted when it comes to the nuances of dining out. Those who yell and fight in public even though they know that everyone can hear them and, by the way, that everyone is listening and laughing at what they are saying. There are those who drink too much (good tippers) and those who don't drink enough (angry parents who couldn't get a sitter). There are prom tables (the worst) and couples on first dates (hilarious sometimes, especially when they are teenagers. The physical distance between them seems to be more the younger they get). The normal diners, the regulars, the aficionados of dining who we all love to wait on. They make the nights and days worth showing up for. The list goes on and on and the experiences are priceless.

So, what prompts us to be short and impatient and even cruel with the girl at the ice cream shop or the guy at Vons or the kid at Panda Express who continues to call us "Ma'am" even though we scowl at him every time he does it because we are only 40 and in our minds, still 30 and we couldn't possibly be old enough to be a "Ma'am." What makes someone think that they have the right, just because they are the customer to get good service. I know, that sounds like a ridiculous question, but, hey, that kid behind the counter is a person too and maybe they just failed an exam, or their car wouldn't start or their mom just died. Maybe we could give them the benefit of the doubt first and call them an asshole later, if that's the case. Or maybe we could just shut the fuck up and deal with it. DEAL WITH IT! Because in the end, it's not going to matter what kind of ice cream was on top or how fast she got the drinks to your table or if you got the seat next to the window. None of it is going to matter if you don't think of that person, in the same terms that you think of yourself; just another little piece in the huge jigsaw puzzle of people out there. Without one, the puzzle is incomplete: good, bad, incompetent, exceptional. The landscape is better because it has flaws.

So in conclusion your honor, I humbly propose that everyone should have to serve a stint in customer service so that the next time that they want to shaft someone for not doing exactly what they wanted, when they wanted, how they wanted it, that they will think twice before attempting to humiliate them or be rude to them or to not give them their rightful due. Ironic you know because most of the people who complain, like Rocky Road bitch wouldn't even get hired in the first place. Would you?