Turning 5...

I remember sinking to my knees in the bathroom of the apartment where we were living at the time, tears coming quickly, staring at the little plus sign in the window.

I remember hearing those magical words, "You're pregnant!" and feeling both fear and joy that time.

I remember craving Orange Chicken and Pozole soup and wanting spicy foods; seemed to be the only things that settled my stomach.

I remember walking the dog and having to stop suddenly to vomit in the bushes because the morning sickness was so intense.

I remember how wonderful it felt, carrying you; feeling you kick, singing to my belly, wanting you to hurry up and get here.

I remember driving to the hospital with your Dad at 4:30 in the morning, ready for the C section that we'd scheduled.

I remember sitting there with your Dad, waiting for the surgery, trying to decide on a name for you, wondering why I was in pain.

I remember when we agreed on TY as your name and your Dad saying that we would tell people the T was for Tim and the Y was for Yvette, but really we just liked the name.

I remember walking into the operating room, telling the nurse about the pain, only to have her tell me, "You're in labor, you've actually been having contractions all this time!"

I remember hearing you cry, not too loudly and your Dad bringing you over so that I could kiss your face. Black hair, unhappy, squinting eyes, red skin.

I remember the 3 days in the hospital, not wanting to put you down, watching television, singing to you, feeding you.

I remember on the fourth day when you went limp in my arms and the nurse took your temperature and then, you were whisked upstairs for two weeks. Staph infection.

I remember coming home from the hospital without you, feeling kind of lost and very afraid; I was lying in bed, crying and praying.

I remember thinking to myself, please don't let him die in the hospital while I'm here. Please let me bring him home.

I remember going to pick you up, perfectly fine and the nurse making me sit in the wheelchair anyway, two weeks later.

I remember not minding the middle of the night feedings or the baths or the rocking you in the chair.

I remember how I blinked my eyes and you were 1 and then 3 and now, today, 5 years old.

I remember how much I wanted you and how much you've brought to our family.

I remember all of the times you've made me laugh and made me cry, already and I'm looking forward to many more.

And, in case someday you don't, I will remember all of this so that I can tell you about it then.

Happy 5th Birthday Ty Matthew Hawley and many more to come. I love you.