Fitting in...

I think it's fascinating to sit and watch groups of children play in a social setting; it's not only a predictor for the future, but it also tells me more than I want to know about myself and social acceptance. As a socio-psychological "experiment" in and of itself, the sandbox at the park is as credible a place as any to get an idea of how and why human beings long to be accepted by their peers. The child who is ostracized or on the fringe of a group is the one that you do not want your child to be; at least, that has seemed to be the case more often than not. Of course, we want our children to express their individuality and to not necessarily conform to what others are doing, just for the sake of being accepted. But, more than that, we want them to have friends and to develop relationships and ultimately, to find their place in a world that thrives on the herd mentality. Whether I like it or not, whether I want it or not, I am a member of many social groups and those who make up those groups inadvertently dictate how I feel about myself and the world around me. The difference is, at least for me, as an adult, I have some control over which groups I choose to be a part of... most of the time.

I can be on a team or on a committee or part of social network of mothers with preschool age children. I can belong to a church or a gym or I can participate in a monthly book club. The list is endless, but the factor that is most important is the "who" factor; who are the people who I am involved with in a social way. Who are the people who I've chosen to share my life, my time, my energy with? And, it is this question that I consider as I watch the kids play because ultimately, when you are a child and especially when you are an adolescent, you, more often than not, don't have a choice. The hierarchy of popularity chooses for you and, albeit unfair or not what we would choose for our children, that's just the way it is. And when your child is on the fringe, the world becomes an entirely different place, for both of you...

Having friends is vital to our sanity and to our feelings of productivity and well being. I get that, I have that and, those people enrich my life. But it has taken years of observation and evaluation to realize that I don't need a network of people in my friendship circle. I don't have any desire to be friends with someone just for the sake of calling them a friend. So the circle remains small, but intact and these, mostly female, friends are a support system that carries me through difficult times, joyous occasions and sometimes just the daily grind. But thinking back to oh, fifth grade and seventh grade and the days when I worked in the cafeteria and often got teased or made fun of, or the times that I was called names or mocked because I wasn't wearing the right clothes or shoes or whatever insignificant thing was significant in the world of teenagedom at the time; I realize that sometimes, it is just about surviving those years and, if you can survive them intact, psychologically and you maybe have 1 or 2 people who helped you get there, then you've come out ahead of the game. Because, sadly, it seems as though there are less opportunities to form those lifelong friendships due to many factors these days and yet, it is still blatantly evident on the playground that we, as social animals, still crave it and as long as we do, the schoolyard bully and the cool kids and the "nerds" will always exist... to our detriment I think.

When someone makes an effort to be a part of my life because they care about what happens to me, it changes something in the way I see the world. When someone tells me that what I've said or done has made them better, stronger, more able to succeed, it validates my efforts, my existence. When someone loves me, in whatever shape that takes, it reassures me that my life does have meaning and purpose. On the other side of that is this need to seek those people out. I want them and I need them, but I do not want to have to court them or prove to them that I am worth knowing. I want them to meet me, to know me and to then decide whether or not they want me as part of their social circle. And if they don't, when they don't, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it hurts, it really does hurt sometimes: my self-esteem, my ego, my psyche. But if I've learned anything and if I can somehow manage to detach myself from the situation, I usually realize that it was for the best. Coming back around to the mantra that "everything happens for a reason" sums it up; maybe we wouldn't have been good for each other, maybe, in fact, we would have hurt one another more than we would have helped one another. Then I shrug and tell myself that there will be many other opportunities and many other people and that the longer I think about this and the more I experience, that it is the same for my children too. The relationships that they foster with people of THEIR choosing are who will matter; not just making acquaintances who, may or may not turn on them day to day, just because they feel like it.

I get my feelings hurt, I'm sensitive and people matter to me very much. I take things to heart and while I may not always show it, I carry deep emotions and some scars that will always be there. Everyone does, that goes without saying I suppose. But what I've begun to learn, and I say begun because life is one big lesson and it is like the perpetual blackboard being written on over and over again, is that fitting in is nothing more than being accepted only by people who matter to you and by, yourself. I can't change you or make your life better because there is only so much that is my control. But what I can do, is make myself the best that I can be so that when our paths cross, when you need to find someone like me, that you and I will form that yin and yang, for both of our sakes. And as far as everyone else, I am no longer in need of acquaintances. I have passed that stage in my life when us knowing one another is enough to validate our knowing each other. I no longer have time for you. Don't take it personally, just remind yourself that life is short and that really, you don't have time for me either. And while it may seem as though I am being specific, I am speaking in generalities here. I no longer have time for those who want something from me only to give nothing in return and I especially no longer want anyone in my life who is not willing to accept that I have many, many flaws and that while you may want me in your life, that I may not always deliver; that more often than not, I will most likely disappoint you, but that ultimately, it is not a reflection of my lack of caring or focus. For, once we allow people to have too much control over any relationship in our lives, we abandon what we believe to be important and instead accept the mere "norm." And conformity aside, fitting in aside, I no longer think the "norm" is what makes life worth living.

Be daring and creative and accepting, but also be sure that your life is exactly what you want it to be and that you share it with whomever enriches that time. Relationships are very much like your skinny jeans, sometimes they never fit again and when you recognize that fact, you shop for new ones, but every once in awhile, you dip back into them and they slide on as if you'd been wearing them every single day. Wait, let me check my closet...