Finally... a new year

I don't know about you, I hope for you it was different, but for me, 2013 was a shitty year. I mean, my kids are healthy, my husband pretends to still love me and I have a few friends left, but overall, I was extremely glad to see 2013 go the way of the dumpster... I realize that a year is just a year, another year is just another year, but, I think that could be said for so many things. We always associate a newness with January 1st, but really, it's just a day in the pantheon of days, of weeks of years. My sons turn 17, 14 and 8 this year, I turn 45 and our marriage turns 21... just numbers, experiences, lives wrapped up in one seemingly endless turn of a sunset into a sunrise into a sunset. I'm not someone who is as hung up on age as other people are and I am definitely not someone who sits around and wonders how I can look "younger." I did get my hair colored today and I noticed, not for the first time, that the gray hair has now begun to invite friends to the party, but I told Erin, my friend and my long time hair "manager" that I actually liked the gray. She laughed right before she colored it away, but I secretly like it; it is my own personal tribute to the nights I lay awake worrying about my children or the culmination of tears I've shed, many of them this past year. A badge of honor if you will, maybe I will let it go gray eventually. Or, maybe not. 2013 began with the death of a very loved and very respected man. As the anniversary of his death fast approaches, I am deeply saddened again by the recurring thought that I won't see him again. I think of him often and I feel his presence sometimes when I am remembering an anecdote about running or I picture a training in Griffith park or whenever I get a message from someone who was associated with APLA, but it makes me really sad when I think back a year ago to the day when we all sat in the Temple to pay tribute to him and, tragically, to say goodbye. I knew it was happening while it was happening, but it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I faced it again, with the help of two very good friends. I hadn't run in almost a year. I stopped. I did nothing. I gained 25 pounds back. I didn't want to acknowledge it let alone admit it. I felt tired and weak, sad and unfocused. More than anything though, I felt really lost again. When the December running challenge came, run at least 1 mile every day for the month of December, track it and hold yourself accountable, I reluctantly agreed. As the days went on and the month closed out, I only missed two days. Now my girls did it every day, as did many other people nationwide, but instead of kicking myself for those two days, I celebrated the fact that I was back on track and that I needed to work through the issues that had kept me from continuing my physical and psychological, to some degree, success(es). I needed to step back in order to move forward and so this month, it's 30 minutes of cardio a day, minimum, for the entire month. And, in addition to my girls, two more of the girls have joined in and today, on Day 4, I'm 3 for 3, going on 4 in just awhile. I'm trying to remember how I felt before Scott died, about running, about life, about all of it. I let myself down this year, in more ways than one and I know for a fact that a lot of it was in tandem with letting go of running. I know that now. Tim told me about a week ago that my being judgmental usually leads to my overreacting to things and to people. He's said similar things over the years, but he said it in a way, this time, that really gave me pause. Maybe because it came at a time when I needed to hear it and could hear it objectively, but maybe moreso because it came from him and I value his opinion. I respect it. And so I thought about it and I realized that, like many times throughout our marriage, it wasn't so much that he was right and I was wrong, it was that it was the truth. I've let my judgmental nature serve as a shield to what's really going on, much of which isn't what I thought it was. I mean, there are times when I read people spot on, but there are other times when I am completely off base. I try to apologize and there have been times when it has been too late and the relationship is ruined. And, I have to live with that. Being "older" has given me some much needed perspective on this issue. Although I am impulsive, I have also come to understand that the people who know me the best, understand this about me and they try to accept it. They don't always like it, but they try. And so, I am hoping for more objectivity in my life, this year, this week, in the next few hours... I can't give people what they need or want from me when they do. I can only give when I am able to; this is a short sided view I realize but it's also the only way that I know how to operate. It comes across as extremely selfish and vain at times, but really, it's simply just an inability to be what everyone needs me to be, in that moment. If I'm mad then I can't pretend that I'm not. If you've pissed me off, then I'm going to act pissed off. I can't disguise my feelings and many people can't relate to that; they want you to plaster a smile on your face and wave as though you are driving in a convertible, down the Esplanade on a warm summer day. I lack the ability to do that, sure, people pretend, but I don't want to pretend anymore. I want to be straight with you and have you either accept it or not, but I want to know that when my head hits the pillow that my conscience is clear. And ultimately, that is my goal for the upcoming year - a clear conscience, maybe even a clean slate. Several friends lost loved ones this year and my Grandpa Donald passed away as well. I saw him on a Friday and he passed on a Tuesday. It was sad and it is sad, especially for my Mom and her sisters, but, it was time. He went downhill rather quickly, but to me, it seemed like a natural progression. When I saw him on Friday, he told me, "Why does everyone keep asking me how I am? I'm old that's how I am." I laughed and said I understood. I just sat there for a little while, talked about the kids, held his hand, listened - he was having a hard time talking due to all the medication, but I understood him. I didn't stay too long because he was getting tired, but when I left, I kissed his cheek and told him that I loved him and I said goodbye. I got to say Goodbye. Sure, I didn't know that he was going to pass the next Tuesday, but I got to look at his face and say goodbye. I loved my Grandpa very much. I didn't go to see him as often as I should have, but whenever I did see him, it was like very little time had passed. He was a lovely man, genial, kind, smiling and funny. He and my Grandma were quite a pair; this was the first Christmas without both of them and although I didn't give it too much thought on the day, I'm sitting here now, thinking about him and wishing that both of them were still here. Pieces of my childhood; that's what my grandparents were. Good memories, laughter, joy, family and although we continue the traditions, a part of me died when each of them did. I am no longer the granddaughter. Now, as I have been, I am a mother and a wife and one day, God willing, I will be a Grandmother. My mortality stares at me more with each relative that passes and I move into the upper echelon of remaining family members. Scott's death reminded me of that as well. And for the friends who lost dear ones, I was reminded yet again... My Grandpa left this year and a new baby entered. No, not me. That ship has sailed my friends although from time to time, Ty asks me for a sister. I just ignore him like I didn't hear his question. It has worked so far... my brother and his wife Erin welcomed their third child, my niece, into 2013. Her birth is not counted as part of the year that went awry, in fact, it was one of the brighter moments in many years past. I am glad for them and for their kids that they have another sibling. I don't usually make New Year's resolutions, but I have, in my mind, thought of a few things that I am going to work on this year and I am hoping to work on my relationship with Erin. She probably doesn't know that; I don't think that she reads this blog, but if on some off chance that she does, I am going to try to be there for her and for her family more and to try to be kinder and more willing to be open, less judgmental as the theme continues. I want her to know that. As for all of the other crap that continued to pile up in 2013, there were some lovely moments as well; time spent with my family, generosity, a continued job that I love and a lot of funny stories, some too personal to mention here. If they were just my stories I'd mention them, but they involve other people and I am not so sure I can afford any more casualties in the friend department at the moment. I take a moment to post this rants on Facebook although I am not on FB anymore, meaning, I don't read postings or respond to them regularly anymore. I told myself that I was going to work on my "real" relationships with people rather than my virtual ones and I got tired of all of the stupid things that many people post on a daily basis. And yes, you read that right... STUPID. I'm not going to give an example, I'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings today. Many people think this blog is stupid and that's fine with me. Touche... I really liked Facebook for the keeping in touch with people who I don't see often factor, but after awhile, it got old, trying to keep up with everyone and everything and liking things and not liking things and sharing things and photos and... that's when I gave up on it. I do miss those people though and I am trying to keep up with them outside of social media, but when you don't Instagram or Twitter or Snapchat or whatever else the fuck that people are doing instead of talking to each other, it gets harder to do so. The wedge gets wider. Cest la vie, I guess I will just go back to the old fashioned way of communicating, a la eye contact and hugs and meeting for coffee. I miss mail and postcards and my Grandma's Christmas and Birthday cards. They were an ever present reminder that someone was thinking about me. Many friends are running the New Year's half tonight including my beloved The Rosh. To all of you, I hope that you have a great run and that every step brings you toward the promise of a blessed, happy and healthy year. Running really is a metaphor for life. Every step counts and you are constantly moving forward, hopefully toward a goal, but at 44, hopefully not the finish line... at least not yet. Be kind to each other and when you can't, when you feel the bile coming up into your throat, remind yourself that at least you are here and that you have a chance to try again. And I promise to try to do the same... Happy New Year.