Choose...

To some, a choice is simply putting two options side by side and then, deciding which one is "best."  That seems relatively simple, but, as my 6 year old often schools me in life's BIG lessons, he tells me, "I just can't decide Mom.  It's hard."  Acute wisdom in a 52 pound body... It is hard, even when the action is simplistic: two options, three, four - Which path to take?  Which road?  Robert Frost put it so eloquently years ago, "Two roads diverged in a wood..." and although his poem touches on our decisions in life and how they affect us, what made me think of this topic was the idea of having to make a choice that you may not want to make, maybe, in some cases, not having a choice at all.

I forfeited my guaranteed entry to run the New York marathon this year; the deadline was midnight last night to pay the entry fee once more to run the race that was cancelled last November.  And, as much as I wanted to and I still do, I am unable to take on the challenge this year.  I did not want to admit that and a year ago, I wouldn't have.  But, this past month, I realized that I was going to have to make a choice between events to do and races to run.  It was an extremely difficult choice this time around particularly because my sister is going back to run NY as her first marathon and Cyndi is going back to run for Coach Scott and all of those who are able to return are going back to help celebrate one of the greatest cities on the planet.  I knew all this, I've known it and, I still had to bow out.  Fortunately, I know that somewhere this weekend, there will be someone shouting and happy that he or she gets to go, in my place and I hope for that person that it is every bit as meaningful as my experience was. 

My youngest brother and I are not speaking.  He asked me to stay out of his business and as much as I have wanted to talk to him, especially on my birthday, I have not.  My brother is an alcoholic, a binge drinker who has struggled with addiction in some form or another for most of his adult life.  Sadly, maybe because he has a good heart, it is difficult for our family to watch him struggle, especially when he refuses to acknowledge that what he does hurts other people.  As much as I think he knows that I want him to be well, I also think that he needs someone to blame because it is often too much to take on that kind of accountability when the bottles are just down the street at the liquor store.  I almost called him today, just to see how he is because I miss him.  He is friend as much as he is my brother and I love him very much.  I had to make a choice to not hold it against him but I also had to choose to not call him or speak to him until he is ready, if he ever is ready. 

Choosing often implies sacrifice, even if in the most minuscule way.  You choose to act a certain way, to say something, to do something, to be something and regret appears when the choice is not well thought out, not always, but often.  Choose a college, choose a spouse, choose a job, choose a family - whether or not to have one, choose a church, choose a president... it never ends, and with each choice comes the knowledge, that knowledge that there was always another way to go.  Should have and could have become staples in the vocabulary of decision making or decision "not" making.

I gave up my class at Santa Monica College 9 weeks into a 17 week semester.  I chose to jeopardize my future at an institution that gave me a chance and then turned that chance into an opportunity and I did it with the knowledge that in all likelihood, I would not be invited back.  I understood what I was doing and what it might mean and while I felt that it was the best choice for me and I stand by that, I also feel a deep sense of disappointment in myself for not finishing what I started and for taking an opportunity and turning my back on it.  I have to live with that.

I read a lot.  Lately, I've been reading research articles on the brain and pieces of non-fiction that have to do with historical events and biographical subjects.  While I read, I am ever aware that what I am reading is a direct reflection of what is going on in my life at the time.  Sometimes I go through periods of fantasy and science fiction, other times it is romance and historical fiction and often, the material is work related.  Right now my reading choices reflect my need for truth.  I want to know "things" that are happening in the world, in my body, in societies that I can only imagine.  While technology offers me instant access to all subjects worldly, reading allows me to absorb the material at my leisure; it does not inundate me with information, rather it enables me to tread as broadly or as deeply as I choose.  I make the choice to read every day and, there are days when I would rather go straight to sleep, or watch television or hang out with the kids, but I know that the years of choosing to crack open that book or to scan an article will continue to enrich my life in a way that choosing something else won't, well, maybe except spending time with my kids...

I have lately been on Jake like flies on shit, about his grades, about his future and about his choices.  While I tell him that it is his life and I respect his opinions as a human being, which I do, I also expect him to acknowledge that the choices that he is making now, as a teenager will either afford him more choices as a young adult or they will limit his choices as a graduating 18 year old.  As his mother, I want him to have those choices.  It is his life and when he turns 18, I will no longer have the kind of hold on him that I do now, but, strangely, I think that the kind of relationship that has developed between us allows for a negotiation process that I never had with my parents.  Maybe it is generational or maybe it depends on the family, but I am enjoying the moments of "deliberation" because I can see that it makes Jake feel like he is being heard, and he is, when I give him the chance to explain his side of it.  I also think that a lesson self-taught is one that is more ingrained than one that is mother-taught, but don't quote me.  My son, who I absolutely adore, is going to be faced with some life-changing decisions in the next few years.  Having sex, choosing a college, using alcohol or drugs, getting a job, spending money, letting go of and/or making friends, playing soccer - all of these "issues" and more will be in the forefront of the process of his growth as an adolescent and as an adult.  The thing is; I choose to trust my son.  I tell him this often and I tell him that I will trust him until he gives me a reason not to, but even if that trust is broken, I will be here for him and I will always defend his choices because he is my son.  While that may be faulty circular reasoning, I know that it comes from a place of absolute love.  I hope that he is learning to choose based on solid reasoning and that in the challenging moments of his life, he will make solid decisions.  Scratch that, I don't hope he will, I know he will.

I look around at my "teacher" friends, who, like me, now have all of their kids in school and they have held on to their tenure and to their jobs.  Early on, when Jake was 2 1/2 and Nick was born, I resigned my teaching position at a school that I loved, from a job that I loved, with colleagues who I loved in order to stay home with my boys.  I have not, for one day, regretted that choice.  Even now, teaching part time and not being able to step right back into a full time job, I don't regret that choice, I mean, how could I?  But there are moments when I think about what keeping that job would mean for my family now; the financial stability that would provide for them and I would be lying if I didn't say that every once in a while I wish that I could have done both.  I mean, my friends, the aforementioned ones, they did it; they are doing it.  I think early on I knew what it might mean, but I also know myself and I cannot give myself wholly to one thing without sacrificing something else.  Many people can juggle many things and do a wonderful job at all of them. Unfortunately, I can only do that in my mind.  And so I chose...

I am training now for my first "tri" activity, a 1/2 ironman that I will do in October of this year.  I woke up on Tuesday morning of this week and I chose.  I didn't want to; I wanted to sleep.  But, I dragged myself out of bed and I got in the car, drove to the pool and I chose to swim.  Last April, our T2 Ragnar team finished the race from Anaheim to Coronado.  I thought, at that time, having gotten into probably the best shape that I'd been in for quite some time, that it was the continuation of a lifelong commitment to training.  I had been feeling so great and running the strongest that I had in a long time.  I promised myself that when I got home, I would continue with that training.  I didn't and I allowed myself to sink back into that place of self indulgence and excuses.  I knew I was doing it; I chose it.  On some level, I didn't want to work that hard anymore, I just wanted to coast, like I did when my metabolism was at its kick-ass most efficient, but I soon learned that wasn't going to happen and a month turned into six turned into a year and 25 pounds later, I am starting over.  I look at myself in the mirror and while I don't feel as good as I did a year ago, I still like what I see.  I put my body through literal hell and it still works with me and not against me.  It wakes me up and pulls me through the pool and it lets me run alongside Ty at the park, it lets me dance with Nick in the kitchen and it allows me to train for events that I never imagined at 44 I would be able to do.  So now, I choose to give back to my body by eating better, by training harder and by being kinder to myself than ever before.  And when October comes, I will run into the water with a smile on my face knowing that I am saving lives and that I have reinvented mine once again.

I am fairly convinced that I could do another job, have another career, make more money doing something other than teaching, but I choose to continue to teach.  Every term, there are a couple of student who verbally thank me, or hug me, or write me a note that tells me that what I've said or done has made them a better reader, a better thinker or a better writer.  And while I don't anticipate these outpourings nor do I wait for them, I am always moved by them.  When I was young, I don't remember exactly how old, but when I was maybe an adolescent, I felt like I was supposed to do something meaningful with my life.  Maybe everybody feels like that, that's why we say it's a "calling," but that's not exactly what I mean here.  I felt like my life had specific purpose and because I am a God fearing person, I felt that I had some innate ability to do something special.  I didn't know what that was and maybe I still don't, but I feel as though God gave me a gift with people, a sensitivity to their needs and a desire to help them.  I feel such a strong need to give.  And while I will probably never have the money to do the kind of giving that I would like to, I realized that by choosing to use what skills and talents I have, that even an average kid from Torrance can make a real contribution to the global and even the local efforts of organizations that are changing the way that people live.  You don't have to have money or endless resources, you just have to make a choice to do what you can in whatever capacity that is.  I mean, I have a group of friends who constantly support my fundraising efforts because, financially, they can.  I have other friends who offer to train me, for free, who offer to get up with me in the morning, at the crack of dawn and I have yet others who support me emotionally by giving me a cyber pat on the back or a hug when they see more or by shooting me a message that often brings me to tears.  I choose to give because I know, deep in my heart, that I am supposed to and I am trying to pass that message along to my children.  I know I will succeed.

Lastly, well, my brain is shutting down now, so lastly for here, I choose to share these thoughts with you, not for your approval nor for your judgment, but, for your consideration.  If you are a part of my life, it's because I chose you and I want you to know that was a choice that I will always defend.  Don't worry about choosing wisely my friends, just make a choice and stand behind it...