"What if?"

I try not to think about "What if's" because it makes me crazy to second guess myself.  I often get a feeling, a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I should have or I could have, but then, I realize that I can't change it and although it will still bother me, I try to let it go.  I try; I am not always successful in that effort, but I am now making the effort more.

At night, I usually lay in bed after reading and after everyone else is asleep and I analyze things; I often wish I didn't, but I can't help it.  Maybe, like some people tell me and, like so many self-help books reiterate, thinking about what you've done or haven't done can lead to a better understanding of how to "do it" better the next time.  It's not regret anymore, rather, it is a desire to "do" better, to be better.  I have come to realize that immediate gratification just doesn't work for me.  I used to think it did, but maybe that was the problem; I thought it did.  Too much thinking can get me into just as much trouble as not enough thinking.  That's probably true for most people.  This morning prompted me to think about (I know, think...) this whole concept of starting small, or, starting over.

There are many days when I wonder how Nick would do with a mother who is, well, who is, let's just say, more patient, more understanding and, it's hard for me to type this, kinder.  I cannot "blame" his Asperger's for my lack of the aforementioned things nor can I really attribute the shortness of them to this "condition."  I think of it more as a personality impasse.  Would he do better with someone who loved him as much as I do, but who was better equipped, personality wise to deal with the daily struggles and the continuous tug of war?  Then, I realize that it is pointless to think that way because we cannot change the situation.  I am his mother and no one will love him as much as I do, ever and we have much to teach each other.

I have many friends who are Atheists, I also have many friends who are Agnostics.   I have friends who are, well, I have friends who cover every aspect of the religion and non-religion spectrum that there is.  And, while I am not a preachy person and I do not try to convince others what they should believe, I do believe in God.  I believe in Jesus Christ and in his mother Mary, as a holy entity and I believe in the Holy Spirit.  While I was raised in the Catholic faith, I find that I do not soley identify with any "religion" per se.  I go to church on a semi regular basis and we are raising our children in the Catholic tradition, but not with the exclusionary standards that any religion often exercises.  After all, "Catholic" simply means "universal."  When you grow up in a faith, with its traditions, a huge part of who you are is grounded by those beliefs.  I do not let them define me, rather I let my belief and my faith guide me toward a better understanding of others.  I believe that we do not "end" and it is my faith that gives me comfort and hope in times of darkness and pain.  It is this faith that tells me that God blessed me with Nick for a reason.  Nick is mine because he is here to teach me to be more patient, more kind, more generous.  I recognize that; he is a gift, as all children are, but Nick has special needs and it is my intent to help him carve out a meaningful and good life.  I thought about this today when I was running; I thought about this and I thought about starting over.

I ran 4 miles today with my brother Steve.  I am starting my running journey over and it felt good to just begin again, to recognize that I could not just jump back in and run as many miles as I wanted to.  I suppose I could; I've done it before, but this time, I want to go through the process again and when I get to 26, then I will run my next marathon.  I will feel as though I put in the time and the effort and I made it happen through diligence and patience.  Another opportunity to learn patience.  That goes without saying, marathon training teaches us a great deal about ourselves and most of us understand that on marathon day, we've already run the race, we've already won.  The race simply symbolizes the prize, the "ride" to the finish.  The journey starts on mornings like this one where you throw on your shoes, you set a goal and you go out and do it.  You don't think, you don't analyze, you just "do."  So as we trotted along, I felt renewed, similar to how I feel when I am in church, surrounded by a common thread and a spiritual boundary.  I felt, as I often do when I run, that anything is possible and that continuing to look forward, even in the middle of my life, instead of looking back, is what will keep me growing and changing.  I only want to look back to think about the experiences, the memories; I don't want to look back and think "What if?" 

I guess the real dilemma, if that is even the right word, is knowing how to treat conditions like Nick's.  I don't liken his situation to a "disease."  Instead, I think of it as a lifelong condition, one which will provide challenging obstacles, but one which will also provide him with opportunities to learn about himself and to understand that life just is not the same for everyone and, that is perfectly okay.  If I could change it, if I could take the Asperger's away, would I?  I've actually been asked that question and while I may have thought about that in different ways when asked before, I would now reply, instantaneously, no.  Because to take an integral part of Nick away would be to change him and this is a battle that he will have all his life but it will not define him.  It will exist and it will be an ongoing conversation that he will have to have with himself every day for the rest of his life, but it will not define who he is.  Love defines us, hope, empathy, grief, sadness... but conditions do not define us. 

I wish, I don't second guess, I wish that everyone would get the chance to feel special in some way, to understand that starting over sometimes means just getting out of bed in the morning.  It really is that simple.  If asked, at the age that you are right now, what would you say are the three most important factors in your life or, how do you spend the majority of your time?  To whom do you give yourself completely?  To what do you give your effort?  Your talents?  Your money?  How will you have spent your life...

These are some of the things that envelop my nighttime thoughts now.  How can I do better, be better.  What do I need to do tomorrow that I didn't get to today?  I have much to work on, for Nick's sake, for my family, for my world.  Maybe the next time I throw on my running shoes I will simply consider the possibility that by being there, by running, I am working toward improving, in more ways than one.

And, just for the record, I HATE self help books...