Discipline

What the hell does that kid think that he is doing? I mean seriously, does a 13 year old, think, even in the remotest corner of his slowly developing and linear mind that he stands a chance verbally sparring with me? And then,even less of a chance of changing the outcome? Strangely, ironically even, he does and he insists on testing my patience, of which I have very little with which to begin AND he tempers that testing with an irritating combination of guile and charm. I find my son ridiculously charming, but not to the point where, at the end of a tirade; mine usually, that I am going to suddenly say, "Okay Jake, you know what? You're right, you don't deserve that punishment. I'm so sorry for doleling out an unreasonable and completely unfair regiment of chores and restrictions." Like hell I am. Even when I know that I've been unusually harsh or insistent that my point of view is the only one, then, I do what any self respecting mother does; I squelch the urge to admit fault, I wait until the kid goes to bed and then I drink more than I should, or, if I feel really lonely I go on Facebook and visit all my "cyber" friends. Not really, except for the drinking and facebook. Truly, I do apologize when I am at fault, but the most difficult part of that is knowing when I truly am at fault. I need a better means of measuring the "wrongness" of a decision, based on more than I have that sinking feeling in my stomach or my son has tears welling up in his eyes.

The thing is, handing out "appropriate" discipline is as difficult as having to hear about the infringement in the first place. I can feel my eye begin to twitch as I listen to yet AGAIN why so and so did this or didn't do this or why he got the grade he did or the mumbling under his breath or the eye rolling or the shaking of the head. Insert deep breath here. The really difficult part is that it is extraordinarily painful to give an appropriate punishment when you are pissed off. Seems easy to do, but, really, it's almost impossible to match the consequence with the crime when your face is red and you are screaming at the top of your lungs at the very same child who, not so many years ago, you held in your arms and nursed back to sleep. I swear, sometimes I look at Jake and I simultaneously want to slap his face and hug him and then I think, how long until social services shows up? How long before my kid threatens to call them himself? And then I sigh and send him to his room so that I can cool off before I really go ballistic. The "you better get away from me right now" tactic is one that I engage in frequently these days.

Spanking, yelling, grounding, taking things away, chores, whatever you call it, I call it a necessary means for a parent to implement a strategy in the power struggle with offspring that mirrors the game of chess. He makes a move, then I do and ultimately, there's going to be a winner and, sadly, that means, a loser as well. But the play will determine if the players still have a relationship at the end of the game. And, I want a relationship with my son. He hasn't yet realized that he holds many of my pieces already and that he is only a few moves from taking them; in a few years, he will have the power to decide and our relationship will be based primarily on whether or not he wants me in his life. I have to act like that doesn't matter and that the power struggle doesn't exist, for his sake and for our family, but it does. It always will. See, I want a relationship with him when he leaves here and although I tell him that he might hate me in the end, that what I do, I do because I think it's the right thing, that I'm not being honest at all; with him, with Nick, with Ty or with myself. Everything that I do or say or don't do or don't say is like another move on the board. But will it all work out? Will I win and if I do, doesn't that, again, mean that he loses? It's a frightening thought really. Sure he will realize someday that what I take from him or deprive him of doing was "for his own good" or maybe he'll just simply forget about it or maybe he will never speak to me again.

But isn't that the chance that we all take as parents? I mean, I've had many coversations with friends about the truly fucked up way that we handle things with our children and how in every instance we feel "bad" for what happened, even if we know that we aren't to blame! Blame and guilt, two feelings that I would very much like to see drowned in the kiddie pool. Nonetheless, why must we compromise when it comes to disciplining our children and why must others feel compelled to offer their insight as to what is best in "that situation?" Just go to a bookstore, the sickening amount of self help parenting books filled with pop psychology fill at least 1/4 of the shelves and if you don't buy one or you claim you never have, but you really have, then you feel an inordinate amount of shame for having spent the money and never reading it, or, at the very least, not having implemented the very successful "7 steps to getting your child to harmonize with his siblings." Unless they are talking about forming some kind of quartet, I'd rather just see them beat the shit out of each other than "harmonize." But, I digress, as usual. Just trying to feel my way around where I should end up tomorrow...

And so, Jake is grounded until the weekend and his last comment to me tonight was, "I'll be in my room staring at the wall." Apropos, considering there is nothing in his room to do, but stare at the wall. Did I punish him inappropriately? Do I feel badly about how I handled the situation? Do I wish that I got a do-over? A redux... Nope, none of the above; it's a simple case of defy the mother, get your ass kicked. Parenting 101 here I come. And so, my disciples, heed this word of advice, "Don't let them make you feel badly about any of it and more importantly, do not make yourself feel badly..." Remember, there are moments of choice and even if you do make the occasional or, the "often" poor choice, keep in mind that your parents probably felt exactly the same way and, look, you turned out just fine... well, maybe that wasn't the best argument that I've come up with. Then again, I still blame my parents for everything that's wrong with me and... you're still listening to my advice? Go away now, I'm busy thinking up the next punishment that I can give out...