Identity

Maybe I'm mistaken, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that you really aren't born with an identity; you create one as you go along. Somebody gives you a name and a childhood, but whatever that thing is, that indescribable thing is that makes you different from the other 6 billion people on the planet, isn't taught; it's made, nurtured, fostered. I like to think that a person's identity is so inherent that even if they wanted to, they couldn't change it. So many people try; they fight against who they want to be or even against who they are, but, they end up being unhappy because of it and they end up in a place where there is no self acceptance. And, let's face it, if you can't accept and love yourself, then who else is going to?

Why do we define people by so many categorical assumptions? Why do we put her into this column or him into that group? Where is the definitive line between accepting someone for who they are and just not caring at all? Because that seems to often be the case; people who cannot understand where a person is coming from, just don't want to see that person at all. They want to label them and categorize them and, in the end, judge them. And for what? So that they can feel superior or right... Let me tell you something, the next time I hear someone make a remark about the way that someone else lives, short of being a pedophile, I'm going to punch them in the jaw as hard as I can. I'm tired of hearing how wrong or immoral or evil someone or something is when the person who is usually making the ridiculous comments is so far removed from reality that he wouldn't know the truth if it walked up and introduced itself. Truth, not really a concept for racist, sexist, homophobics anyway.

Fear is a strong motivation that usually leads to some kind of violence or behavior that shows ignorance and intolerance. What we fear motivates us to cower and not always away from the fear causing agent but, instead, away from anything and everything that makes people feel uncomfortable. It isn't the thing that you are afraid of; it's how fear motivates you to act and how it makes you want to judge other people. When someone is scared, they do the strangest things and in that regard, they confine themselves into this tiny space with no real way of thinking. A life without acceptance is rather hopeless because you never see beyond what frightens you; you never think outside the box. And this is what scares me; people like that frighten me. People with that limited way of thinking make me want to cower sometimes because I am ashamed to call myself a member of the same race.

I suppose that if you live with something long enough, regardless of what it is that it will shape you with or without your consent and the things that are out of your control will do the same. Abuse, neglect, lonliness, greed; a seemingly endless list of things that will take much more than they will ever give back. It really is a miracle that children especially can find their way out of situations that are so horrifying that it's difficult to even read about them in the paper or in a book let alone live them. It's unthinkable that people can survive the most horrific conditions and yet, there are others who cannot live with the day to day knowledge that they are somehow different than everyone else. What is it that makes us feel that way?

It's ironic too because even after we finish school and after we've grown and become successful and we are living our lives, there is still often that part of us that longs for acceptance and for a moment when we could go back and maybe change that one thing that made us stand out, maybe not for the better that time. Really, your past never leaves you, we know that. But instead of trying to iron out the wrinkles, why don't we instead, just shake out the shirt and try to wear it in a new way, with a sweater or in a knot or tied around our waist. Why don't we embrace what it is about us that is here and now and let the past be something that got us to this point, but that no longer guides us anywhere. It's the old Mapquest. The new GPS will take us further and faster and in directions that we never thought possible. Moving forward instead of harboring resentments and the pain of the past. I'm not saying forget it entirely, who could do that? No, I'm saying, there has to come a point in your life when you say, you know what? I'm going to live the way I'm going to live and fuck everyone who cannot accept that; I don't want to know them anyway. Easier said than done I guess, but still, maybe everyone would be different if no one cared; of course they would.

I'm actually a gay man trapped inside of a middle aged woman's body with the mind of a 13 year old with ADD who moves like a 30 year old who considers herself lucky every single day of her pathetic and often misguided life. A veritable Jackson Pollack of characters on my canvas. Let's dispense with the labels shall we? And let's remind ourselves that our identities not only shape our own lives, but the other lives that they touch as well. Maybe a little more kindness, a little more acceptance; maybe a little more... let's just start there... Goodnight J.