Altruism

Maybe it's completely normal to feel this way and maybe it's supposed to come later in life; when you've learned to understand and accept what you think life is all about and how it is your time and your place to give something back to the world that has allowed you to be a part of it. All parts of it; good and bad. Maybe, as we age, we are given a more profound sense of how we fit into the scope of the big picture or if we even really fit in at all. I actually like to think that there are people who are "better" than all of us and they don't have to be the Mother Theresa's or the Gandhi's; they can simply be the people who walk by us and who continue to help others without any fanfare or rewards. They are the people who deserve the accolades, but who would prefer not to receive them. They are the people who I want in my life.

I know so many good, kind, generous human beings who give of themselves, selflessly; with their time and their money and even with their services. I know teachers who tutor students for free and I know physicians who travel and who give free medical assistance and advice. I know police officers who work with drug addicts on the weekends and I know a lawyer who mentors three, not one, but three at risk teenagers, on his weekends. I'd like to know more of these people and I'd like to have them tell me that it's okay to feel like you're not doing enough because I think that is the only time and the only thing that will motivate me and everyone else to get up off of their asses and do something that will make even the smallest difference in the lives of other people.

My brother and I were talking tonight and he said something that resonated with me because I've always thought the exact same thing about myself, "I've always been good at a lot of things, but never great at any one thing." So unbelievably true that it was like I had an epiphany right there at the gym. What would it feel like to be great at something? To have a natural talent and an ability that surpassed others in that field? I try to imagine what that would feel like and honestly, I can't because I don't have anything to compare it to. So, I settle for being good at things and the greatness will have to come from someone else. And, I'm okay with that. Being good at something is not the same as being mediocre; I like to think that it's a little bit more than that...

Somebody asked me today, "Why would you want to run a marathon?" and, the people who run with me, one in particular these days, would probably laugh and answer with me, "Because we can." It really is that simple. Put one foot in front of the other, set your mind, instill discipline and then, decide that you want to do it for something bigger than yourself; a cause that will move your feet for you, even when you don't want them to go anymore, even when you feel like you can't move your legs anymore. The cause will remind you why you are there and it will carry you across the finish. Running for charity; in particular, charities that are close to your heart, changes you forever. It has changed me forever and my perspective on life and on people and the further I run, the broader my perspective, my empathy and my desire to help people becomes. "Why would I run a marathon?" you ask? "Why wouldn't I?"

Two years ago this weekend, I began a marathon training program with AIDS Project Los Angeles; raise 1600.00 dollars and train for 8 months to run the LA marathon... I was 39 years old the beginning of that year and I was terrified. Mostly because I was forcing myself outside of my comfort zone but moreso because I knew that if I committed to it, I was going to have to do it. And so, the journey began. Biff, Arianna, Kevin and the other coaches and support staff told us that first day; 3 maintenance runs a week and a long run every Sunday. 4 times a week, that's it, guaranteed. And, of course, raise the money. Turns out, the training would be easier than raising the money, but no one said that it would be simple. In those eight months, there were many Sunday mornings that the alarm went off and I didn't want to go; I didn't want to drive all the way to Griffith Park and then subject myself to 18 miles or 20 miles or 23 miles, knowing full well that my back would hurt and I'd be exhausted for the rest of the day. There were nights when I was tired and busy and I didn't want to get on the treadmill or go to the track to do my "maintenance" runs. It would have been so much easier to sit my ass down on the couch and pretend that I'd done it. Easier, not a word that I like... So, I dragged myself into the car, or the gym or I threw on my shoes and off I went, reminding myself why I was doing it in the first place and telling myself, mostly when I wanted to quit, not to be such a fucking baby and to remember that there are millions of people suffering from a disease that, given the proper amount of funding and research, could be eradicated. And, I just kept running... all the way to the finish line... That first LA marathon; with Mark, Sarah, Ester, Tobie, Karen and Courtney was life affirming and ultimately, it changed my life and has every day since. I wish I could say that it gets easier to run, to set a goal and to accomplish it; that after that first marathon that anything seemed possible and it was, but frankly, that's just not the truth. The truth is, it's always hard, it's always a struggle, it's always a battle and it probably always will be.

So, as I prepare to go to New York and for a new marathon and for a new cause, I am trying once again to remind myself that I get to go and run, but I am doing it for a bigger reason than "Just because I can." This time, I set out by myself, to run my first 26.2 miler alone and I hope that there are more than a few moments during that race when I will remember why I signed up in the first place, why I flew 3,000 miles and why I think I can do it at all because there are many days when I think I can't. I let the doubt creep in and scare me into thinking that I won't finish, I won't reach the goal. That's human nature I guess, but not really something that the average person like me wants to be thinking about in a one shot situation like this one; when people are counting on you, believing in you to finish and to finish strong. So, I tell myself that I'm prepared and that every dollar raised is like a footstep in the direction of the finish line; I only need a couple thousand more to get there.

Maybe it isn't the proverbial finish line that motivates me; I mean, if I don't cross it, will I have failed? Or, is it really just the fact that I showed up, that I made the effort? I know what most people would tell me and I suppose that's reassuring. But ultimately, I need to know that the preparation was not in vain and that every time I stand in front of a class and preach about how it is "obtainable" and how they "can" succeed or every time I coach a game where I tell the players that it isn't about the score; it's about how well they worked together and how good the quality of the team play is that matters, that ultimately, I would be a hypocrite if I didn't recognize those things in myself and for myself when I set out to do something. Then again, maybe it just takes time to realize that.

I've had a lot of opportunity in my life. I feel like I've worked hard, but I've had support and people who love me and who believed in me and that carries you a long way in this life marathon. For those who haven't had that and for those who've had to live against insurmountable odds and with circumstances that at best could be defined as "minimal," all I can offer you is this; there are people who believe that change will come and who will strive to help acheive that change through donations and charitable work and that, someday, hopefully soon, there will be less disease and less heartbreak and less of the pain causing situations that take so much from people like you and me, who never deserve it, regardless of their circumstances. Maybe they just weren't fortunate enough to grow up in the United States or to have a parent or even, God forbid, to have enough food and water to get them through the day.

The next time someone asks you to donate to a cause that they support or that they believe in, consider doing it. There are reasons behind their asking you, in particular. And for as hard as you might think it is to find some extra cash, just think how hard it is for them to have to ask, on behalf of someone else. Tonight, before your head hits the pillow, ask yourself what you've done to better humanity in the past year? Ten years? Twenty? And then wake up tomorrow and sign up for a marathon... What have you got to lose, besides your fear and your apathy? See you at the finish line...