Virgin blog

It's official. With this post, I have lost my blogger virginity and you know, it was hardly as painful as losing my actual virginity although it's been so long now that I can hardly remember all of the details associated with that monumental and poignant memory. Speaking of virginity, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who told me that the average age that a boy lost "it" in 2009 was 13 1/2. Let me pause and let that sink in although some of you jackasses are saying to yourselves right now, "Duh, really, I thought it was 12. 13 1/2 is much better." If that happens to be you, I don't like stupid people and you are officially uninvited from this site as of right now. If you continue to read on, your head will explode and I will personally deliver your eulogy and let me assure you, it will not be flattering. So, back to 13 1/2, my eldest son will be 13 in less than a month and the mere thought of him and his "special" body parts up next to a girl that is not made of celluloid or blow up plastic, to me, is horrifying. Whoreifying! That's not a misspelling. By the way, digressions are abound here so just go with me on this. When I taught middle school many years ago (well, 11), girls were accused and one was even suspended for giving blow jobs (well, she apparantly only gave 1 but who knows?) in the restroom at school. I wonder if it was the girl's restroom or the boy's? Anyway, this girl was in seventh grade at the time, a mere 12 years old and, like so many other "sexually mature and responsible" seventh graders she admitted that it wasn't like "real sex" and that she was still a virgin. Now, anatomy lesson aside and many of you have not only read this argument before but you've seen clips or videos or discussions on Oprah in which the topic of "oral" sex is discussed. Really the only thing that I can add to this notion is that, from having friends and discussing sex with friends, most of my friends lost "it" before they gave head for the first time. Now, when prompted about this subject, most of them brashly replied, "Not my favorite activity" or "Way more personal than intercourse" or "I only do THAT if I really like a guy" guess that means that you can just kinda like him and still bone him. Whatever, my point and I suppose I have one here is that when I look at my son and he's watching Dirty Jobs or he's reading his little brother a story or he's sleeping and I'm peeking at him, yes, this is common practice, I think to myself in the kindest way possible; he better not be getting blowjobs in the bathroom at school. But then, the last part of that equation is, well, what are you going to do if he is or if he does or when he does or what if it's happening in your house or in your car or, god forbid, in your bed when you and Tim are on vacation somewhere? What are you going to do then?

What are we going to do? Let me know if you figure it out? Until then, lock the doors, screen the facebook page, check the texts and lock up the peni. Let them enjoy their virginity as long as they can because soon enough, they'll be fucking anything that will let them and you won't have a say anymore who or when or how or what. All you'll be able to do is remind yourself that you were there once too and that maybe it wasn't quite as horrible as you remember. Aside from the David Bowie playing in the background and the sounds of the party in the next room that wasn't supposed to be happening and the smell of his teenage boy room. Maybe it was U2 in the background...