A consideration...

It's impossible to know what to do sometimes. You sit there, you ponder, you even discuss ideas with loved ones, yet, ultimately, you feel like you are right back where you started. I often wonder about people who say that they have "revelations" or "epiphanies," although I myself may have made such a claim on occasion, but I wonder because if you have a revelation and you change your life, your focus, your "whatever," but then, eventually, you fall... back into the pattern, the lifestyle, the addiction, can you then really call it a revelatory experience? Is "revelation" momentary or is it just a word that means we know what we need to do, but whether we succeed or not? That remains to be seen. I'm back in therapy; it's evident from the opening paragraph of this monologue, is it not? And the more I go, the more I question... myself, others, life, but, not always in a healthy way. I don't see therapy as revelatory, rather, I see it as an opportunity to examine those thoughts in a non-linear type of way. I examine them as they come; I don't plan a course of action and for those of you who really know me, you can vouch for this statement. I go in to the office, I sit, I usually begin with some anecdote that has nothing to do with anything of importance and then, it spirals into something else. An hour of therapy is a true parallel for what happens in my daily life, regardless of whether I am the cause or something else is, some bigger force that I cannot understand. As the weeks pass, I am learning new ways to "set" my mind and approaches to understanding why what I have been doing in the past to try and cope just isn't working. It's interesting to be the subject of your own examination, kind of like taking all of your clothes off and scrutinizing every aspect of your body from head to toe. Who does that? We tend to look at some things: fine lines, cellulite, our best feature, but then, we zip the jacket, pull down the hat, dim the light and move on. To say that it's hard to self examine is an understatement; it requires a level of philosphical objectivity that I just don't have and so, the therapist... I haven't written in a couple of months although there have been many topics about which I would have liked to express my point of view. I just haven't been in the right frame of mine, no pun intended. And upon revealing that I do indeed have a diagnosis of ADD, I have delved into the world of self-help books and clinical material that is intended to help me work my way through the maze that is my brain. The more I read, in this particular case, the more I really am beginning to understand my entire personality and life thus far. So much is making sense now and, in addition to that, I have become hyper aware of others who suffer, and, I use that term with trepidation, because the condition creates a kind of havoc and chaos that you really have to have explained to you. That may be through literature, by a doctor or in the deep self examination that not many people really do in their lifetimes. Think about the naked mirror thing again. We tend to concentrate on the pieces and not the whole. Brain circuitry or an examination of, is the same. I'm not a neurologist, but when I choose to do something or when I do it not of my own volition, it creates a ripple effect in the lives of those around me. It's been hard; this last year especially has been very hard. I wish I could say that having ADD is a negative thing overall, but really, it's not. Yes, there are issues that will never go away and those issues create other issues with my relationships, with my job, with my life. I say things and do things and am a certain way that makes life exponentially more difficult for those who know me and, that makes me feel badly. I am trying to address that now. I am trying not to spiral or to cry as much or to think about what I'm not instead of what I am. I'm learning to "try" to see this as an opportunity for what makes me unique, not special, but unique in the way that no two stones are alike or stars or fingerprints. Many people will say that I should concentrate on the good; think good thoughts, be happy and everything will be okay. I think that's a crock of shit but if it works for some people then I can't really criticize, but that hasn't and won't work for me. Trying to focus on what makes me unique helps me to see that for every problem or conflict that I cause or am engaged in, there are equal amounts of good in what I try to do. People with ADD tend to be inherently creative, spontaneous, impulsive, excitable and fun. They also lose things a lot, criticize, feel irrationally angry or judgemental. I guess overall, concentrating on what makes you YOU is a good thing, in a very simple kind of way. But if that concentration requires objectivity, well, that's where my mind straps on its boots and heads for the nearest exit. What is objective to me, what makes perfect sense to me, makes no sense to those around me. And, it's hard to have to constantly try to explain yourself; it's exhausting. In Greek mythology, Sisyphus' punishment was to push a boulder up a steep incline, but when he reached the top, the boulder would roll back down and he would have to start again, for all eternity. That is exactly what it feels like to have ADD. It might be exercise or a load of laundry, grading a stack of papers, keeping the car clean, but, no matter what it is, the boulder rolls back down and often it does so mid push... Recently I've learned that untreated ADD can have debilitating effects on the brain over time. So, I am now considering medication. Let me pause for those of you who are smiling and saying, "Amen!Why didn't she think of that sooner?" But truly, there is a lot to consider. My therapist told me that it will not radically change anything, but if it improves my life by percentages, well then, that's something. He also told me that I chose well in a husband and in a profession. Really, with all of the things that I've fucked up in my life, something was bound to work out... I feel like a video game sometimes, lots of flashing lights, sounds and multiple levels but, the really sad part is, out of those times, there are so many where I can't let anyone in to help me maneuver around. I've lost friends, opportunities, days with my family because I couldn't get a grasp on what was happening in my brain and so I just shut it off. There are times when, after I drop the kids off at school, I just lay in bed, for 6 hours and watch the t.v. without really watching the t.v.; I turn into someone who I don't know. And for that reason alone, I'm back in therapy. It really is a paradox, when you yearn for simplicity but you create complexity. I just want primary colors without all of the other possibilities. That would make life easier most days. But then again, would I really want to live in a world without a blending of those shades? I don't know. I truly don't know. Do the right thing. Be kind. Open yourself up to the universe. I will try... but on the days when I don't, be patient for, "This too shall pass..." Happy Veteran's Day. Thank you to all who serve or have served. A thousand blessings to you and your families!